Dear Surly Amy,
I want to get married eventually, but I do NOT understand how people are able to commit to just making out with/bonking one person for the rest of their life. I mean, I like this idea in theory, but I worry about whether I could ever do it. You’re married. Explain!
Dear Tubular Taint,
I hear from a lot of people that they have this desire to eternally play the field and they insist upon perpetuating the idea that no one should be monogamous. Some claim itâ€™s a false construct created by religion or some other societal entity and that we would all be much happier with multiple partners. I hear a lot about poly-this and swinger-that. It’s a popular topic in the skeptical community. And while itâ€™s not for me and while the above argument often annoys the crap out of me, I can at least understand how a multiple partner relationship or remaining single might totally work for other people. I even considered giving a long explanation as to why monogamy works and why I think it is oh-so-much-better than playing the field but after I stopped and thought about it and after I talked with some of the other Skepchicks it just sounded trite and elitist. I have strong opinions on the topic but even I have to admit that what works for me may not work for others and vice versa.
So why does monogamy works for me, in my situation?
It just does.
My life is better and Iâ€™m truly the happiest I have ever been with just one sexual partner in my life.
When I was in my teens and 20â€™s the rest of my life seemed like for-fucking-ever. Not only did the rest of my life seem like an eternity but what I wanted or thought I wanted seemed to change as often as my punk-rock hairstyles.
I didnâ€™t know what I wanted and I hadn’t found what would work so I ran wild for a good long time. I sampled off the buffet table of life. I tried everything I could think of.
No really. Everything. Just nothing with animals. That shit is gross.
The point is I had some really great sexual experiences with a wide variety of people when I was young. I also had some totally mediocre sex with some sorta lame people too. No regrets. I learned what worked and what didnâ€™t work for me.
Then in my mid 30â€™s I found someone who I could really relate to. Someone who got me. We clicked and suddenly everything made sense. I found a best pal. I found a happy place. I gave up my wild ways and happily settled down and nested.
Dude. Check out that hair cut! What? I’m an artist.
At each stage in my life I have done what I had hoped would work best for me. Sometimes I made the right decisions sometimes I didnâ€™t. When I didn’t, I learned from those mistakes. Right now my marriage and monogamy is what works. 10 years ago I might have felt differently just as you might feel differently in your life 10 years from now.
Try to find what makes you happy. If you canâ€™t relate to a monogamous relationship then maybe itâ€™s not right for you at this point in your life and thatâ€™s ok.
In my situation and at this stage I am happier knowing that I have someone to grow old with, someone I can depend on. Sex with someone new or having multiple partners just seems to pale in comparison to having someone special like my husband to share a life with. I would never want to jeopardize what we have built together. Besides, I am a pretty selfish girl. I donâ€™t like to share and I think loyalty is a very positive and important trait. Maybe I’m just the settling down type. Iâ€™m also very busy making art and running a business. I am happy that my love life is warm and fuzzy and dependable. I like it that way. I donâ€™t like a lot of drama. I appreciate reliability and I like knowing that someone loves me more than anyone or anything else on the planet. It makes me feel really great and it leaves me a stronger person who is free to pursue art and to travel and to promote skepticism. I couldnâ€™t do all I do without my partner in life. We are a badass team.
You need to find what works for you.
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