Hey, ladies. Maybe you’ve heard that “scientists” want you to stop wearing a bra.
And by “scientists,” I mean this guy.
Apparently, wearing a bra gives you breast cancer, according to breaking news from an intrepid reporter. And by breaking news, I mean studies that don’t actually show this, some that are 20 years old, and by intrepid reporter, I mean ^ that guy.
It all started with a 1991 study, “Breast size, handedness and breast cancer risk,” in the European Journal of Cancer and Clinical Oncology, which found (in part) lower breast cancer risk in premenopausal women who did not wear bras. The researchers suggested that women who do not wear bras probably have smaller breasts and therefore less tissue in which cancer could develop.
But medical anthropologists and husband and wife bra-fighting duo Sydney Ross Singer (see above) and Soma Grismaijer concluded that it was the bra-wearing itself that caused cancer. They then set out to prove this theory through case study research, finding that indeed, women who wear bras are more likely to develop breast cancer. They surmised that this was because the bras, especially the underwires, restrict lymph node circulation so toxins therefore cancer.
So they wrote a book about it, with the nonalarmist title Dressed to Kill: The Link Between Breast Cancer and Bras, found a welcome audience in the ALL CAPS email forwarding community but criticism from the scientific community, which pointed out that women with more breast tissue are more likely to develop cancer and need to wear bras and that lymph nodes circulate up, not down toward the underwire. Also what toxins and how cancer and, well, the theory just never really passed the biological plausibility test.
So the authors went on to write and self-publish such titles as
- Get It Up! Revealing The Simple Surprising Lifestyle That CAUSES . . . Migraines, Alzheimer’s, Glaucoma, Sleep Apnea, Stroke, Impotence & More . . .
- Get it Out! Eliminating the Cause of Diverticulitis, Kidney Stones, Bladder Infections, Prostate Enlargement, Menopausal Discomfort, Cervical Dysplasia, PMS, and More
- Get It Off! Understanding the Cause of Breast Pain, Cysts, and Cancer, Illustrated with A Little Breast Play!
And other books that solve all unrelated medical ills with no doubt an abundance of tasteful and not at all inappropriate and disturbing illustrations.
So now that they have single-handedly cured everything by blaming sick people for their lifestyles, why are they dredging up the whole bra topic again?
Perhaps they are downsizing and no longer have room for all the books in their garage. Perhaps the $3,000 cultural deprogramming they offer isn’t getting enough takers.
Or maybe, just maybe, THEY WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG.
In his article for the Hawaii Reporter, Syd lists more studies that PROVE bras cause breast cancer. One, in Chinese, apparently shows a link between sleeping in your bra and getting cancer, and this just can’t be explained away by women having bigger breasts being more likely to sleep in their bras because you can’t prove it’s not the bra and since no studies are proving this, then clearly big cancer organizations are hiding something.
The other study is in Spanish and said something about whales in your bra causing lesions, so I asked Daniela, the managing editor of Escéptica, to check it for me in case there was something to do with breast cancer and I was just missing it. Apparently, the study shows that women going in for breast cancer screening who also wore bras were more likely to have lesions from the bras.
And lesions from tight-fitting clothing = cancer, I guess? Which I think means I have knee-sock cancer, foot cancer, and ring-finger cancer related to pregnancy swelling. Add that to the cancer I probably have from my cell phone and GMOs, and I probably barely have time to create this chart to demonstrate the relative lethality of bra types, based on the measurements I made of constriction and toxins during a tantric underwater visualization session.