Because only the priest can touch me there

Via Feministing I found this sad/hilarious site that teaches young, credulous people that it is shameful to masturbate. It’s sad because, I mean come on, masturbation is nearly the greatest possible way you can spend ten minutes, right after (INSERT JOKE HERE).

It’s hilarious because they are selling t-shirts that say “EX-Masturbator,” which has only encouraged me to sell t-shirts that say similar, yet slightly different things. Like this:

Because only the priest can touch me there

I am currently accepting alternative slogans, and have one shirt that just says “Masturbator” if you prefer simplicity:


Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at and appears on the weekly Skeptics' Guide to the Universe podcast. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.


  1. Right after what? Inquiring minds really want to know!!

  2. Those T-shirts make me so sad…

    A masturbator T-shirt would be amazing, though.

  3. @Blake Stacey: Ha ha, that was poor timing. Firefox started freaking out and I hit submit before I had time to come up with a joke. I’ve edited now.

  4. Oh please, oh please! I want a “Wanker” t-shirt. Bonus points if it looks like either a venue “Security” t-shirt or a band shirt.

  5. I’d like to tell you how many ways that is just so wrong, but I lost count.

  6. These people really aren’t about reducing teen pregnancy rates or abortion rates.

  7. There’s something about the “ex-hypocrite” one that seems self-contradictory.

  8. @autotroph: I’d be really surprised if someone hasn’t done one in the style of a Winger t-shirt.

  9. Ex Masturbator: Therein lies the rub . . . or not

    Ex Masturbator: Not for Jesus but because I’m finally getting laid

    Ex Masturbator: Because I’m tired of shaving my palms

  10. That Ex-Rebel shirt is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen, yet I kind of want one.

  11. @Sam Ogden:

    Ex-Masturbator: helping Jesus come instead.

  12. I… they… um…

    They expect people, unironically, to wear a shirt which says “Ex-Masturbator”? In public? Of their own free will?

    Dagnabbit, my mind is too fragile for this level of stupidity!

  13. I think my shirt is quite simple.

    Ex-Maturbator: [and in small letters underneath] (in public)

  14. @Imrryr: “Yeah, I used to be a rebel, but then I got bored of it all and sold out instead.”

  15. @GreyDuck

    stop reading my mind!

  16. Ex-Masturbator: Found out Mrs Palm was an adultress.

  17. Ex-Masterbator: Because I’m not uptight enough.

  18. @Malkavian2008: I’m not reading it. I’m skimming. Later, if I get bored, I’ll try indexing and cross-referencing…

  19. @Malkavian2008: “in public”


  20. I’m so getting Ex-fornicator for my husband and me.

  21. Ex-Masterbator: Because I still do it, I just call it something else now.

  22. I want an ex-homosexual shirt!

  23. @Joshua:

    “I didn’t sell out. I bought in.”

    What, am I the only person here who’s seen SLC Punk?

  24. Ex- Masterbator. But give me ten minutes.

  25. I just thought of a new one.

    Ex-Masturbator: co-workers complained.

  26. EX-Masturbator:
    Because now my idle hands do the devils work.

    Because I jerked it off.

    Due to a horrible industrial accident.

    Because god is a pervert and keeps watching me

  27. I’d like to see: Ex-asperated, Ex-cellent, Ex-centric, Ex-citable, Ex-foliated, Ex-hausted, Ex-hibitionist, Ex-istential, Ex-peditious, Ex-perimental, Ex-pletive, Ex-plicable, Ex-plicit, Ex-plorer, Ex-pressionist, Ex-quisite, Ex-terminate, Ex-traordinary, Ex-uberant.

    Reverse Dictionary is a wonderful thing.

  28. Masterbator:

    Jizz for Jesus

  29. EX-Masticator:

    On a liquid diet for Jesus


    I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.


    I could totally see EX-Rebel becoming the new hipster trend…

  30. So, if I only masturbate to saddlebacking videos, do I still qualify as an Ex-Masturbator?

  31. Masterbator

    Or would you prefer I date your daughter?

  32. The “Ex-terminate” one would of course be accompanied by an image of a face-off between a Dalek and a T-800.

  33. It would be pretty sad if someone wore an Ex-Masturbator shirt and got suspended from school or kicked out a church club for wearing a shirt with offensive content on it.

    Ex-Rebel: Jesus totally sold out when Christianity went mainstream.

    When Jesus finally returns the 12 apostles will be like the guys at the back of the club bragging about how they were into Jesus long before it was cool.

  34. And I can’t spell. :-( Apologies

  35. EX-parrot

  36. @Expatria: I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.

    BRILLIANT. However, you might want to use a… sliding… scale to calculate the rates based on attractiveness of the ex in question…

  37. EX-patria:

    What? That’s my handle! :-P


    Move. No, seriously. I’VE GOT TO GO!

  38. I can’t pass up any chance to be a smartass, so here’s some contributions even though I don’t think any of them are as good as the priest joke.

    Ex-Masturbator – just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun

    Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb

    Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.

    @Blake Stacey: Not quite, I’m still quite proud an essay I wrote on that for a film class was used by the prof for a demonstration of an excellent paper for future classes.

  39. @Merkuto: “Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb” made me laugh way too loudly.

  40. @Rebecca: And knowing that has made my day. And it’s hard typing with a numb hand.

  41. @Merkuto: “Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.” That assumes you only use one hand, and don’t ask me how I’m typing this.

  42. You’re all sick. I love each and every one of you…in that way.

  43. @Malkavian2008: I’m getting a weird revised version of the poison in the goblet scene from The Princess Bride in my head. It’s a little disturbing… I kinda like it.

  44. Ooooooooo I just thought of a new one.

    Born Again Masturbator

  45. “…10 minutes and counting!”
    “…what, TMI?”

  46. Ex-Masturbator: Because only my robot hooker will do

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I call it “prostate maintainance”

  47. “10 minutes”?!

  48. How sad that people think pleasure is sinful. I never bought into the idea that masturbation is sin. Wait. Maybe that’s why I backslid and became an atheist. All that sinful masturbation!

  49. COTW has got to come from this thread….

  50. Ex Masturbator: Cuz there not a chance of snowballing in heaven.

  51. This thread is making me laugh so hard I came. No, wait, that was all the masturbating. The thread just made me laugh.

    How about one for reformed internet trolls?


  52. @Malkavian2008: You mean ‘Come Again Masturbator’ :D

  53. How about an Ex-Heterosexual t-shirt?

  54. @tkingdoll: Master Baiter is back on the poop deck with Seaman Richard.

  55. This will make it a lot easier to know who to avoid at parties.

  56. “Ex-masturbator: I have 7 little sisters and no door lock. Sigh.”

  57. @D-Notice: Wait, is the 10-minute objection that it’s too short or too long? Because I have no idea but I suspect that’s maybe what I average?

  58. How about Ex-Intellectual (now I swallow what I’m told)

  59. Ex-masturbator
    Now I’m all about the saddleback

  60. Ex-Masturbator
    I never look at the internet anymore

  61. @Augustus: Ex-Masturbator: Now I call it “prostate maintainance”


    @writerdd: Your wish is my command*.

    *Wish fulfillment guarantee excludes any masturbatory exercises.

  62. Masturbation: its what gets you expelled.

  63. Ex-Masturbator
    Due to rapidly deteriorating eyesight

    Atheist Ex-Masturbator
    Because it’s no longer kinky if Jesus isn’t watching

  64. Ex-Masturbator
    I’m just checking for testicular cancer, honest

  65. Ex-masturbator
    I ran out of lotion

  66. Ex-masturbator
    I ran out of batteries

  67. @James Fox: Expelled and exposed.

  68. @James Fox: Still no intelligence allowed?

  69. Ex-Masturbator: Because I am tired of explaining to the police why my pants are around my ankles due to the fact that I was looking for a tissue and turned my steering wheel to the right which made me swerve into a house. (Maybe that is to long for a T-Shirt)

  70. Coffee mug:

    Ex-Masturbator-It’s milk in my coffee. I swear.

  71. Ex-Masturbator: Don’t Turn Around!

  72. Ex-maturbator
    Now I’m an ordained priest, who wants to be my alter boy?

  73. Two thoughts…

    First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?

    Better would be the text with the universal symbol for NOT (the red circle slash) over the word “Ex”

  74. Ex-masturbator
    I really am happy to see you.

    Tshirt: Ex-masturbator
    Belt Buckle: My eyes are the other direction

  75. @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

  76. @Rebecca:

    And when they finish with THAT, they NEED to Photoshop the Masturbating Bear from Conan wearing ANY of these shirts.


  77. @Calladus:

    Or Edward Scissorhands.

  78. @Sam Ogden:
    Or Christopher Reeve…

  79. @Rebecca: You must have stronger wrists than me… ;-)

  80. @Pretty Much All Of You:
    Or Jesus…

  81. @Expatria: Or Paedobear from /b/.

  82. Ex-Masturbator: I pulled a muscle

  83. Ex-Masturbator: as of 5 minutes ago


    Ex-Masturbator: take me to your Ex

  84. @Rebecca:

    @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

    As soon as you put this in the Skepchick store, I will order 3!

  85. Ex-Masturbator
    Do you know the name of a good massage parlor?

  86. Ex:

    Angry, stressed out, twitchy and awkwardly hiding a boner.

  87. @Augustus:
    DAMN YOU!!

    Mine was going to be “Ex-Masturbator: [my roomba does it for me]” but you stole my thunder.

    Ex-Masturbator: [it's not the same since the operation]

    Ex-Masturbator: [I finally met your mother]

    Ex-Masturbator: [please help]

    Ex-Masturbator: [with a wide stance]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Larry Craig Style]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Want to join me in the Men's room?]

  88. Ex-Masturbator: [Now I get off on God]
    And by God, I mean your mother.
    And by God, I mean my Cat
    And by God, I mean your Girlfriend
    Pretty soon I’m going to need a new bible
    I call it E-please-eastes
    I keep him in my basement

  89. Ex Masturbator: It’s only a big adventure if you’re Peewee.

  90. Ex-Masturbator from Nantucket
    (on back) Living the Dream

  91. Ex-Masturbator: Ten Years of Yoga Finally Paid Off

    Okay. I must stop now.

  92. Ex-Masturbator

    Since June 2008
    August 2008
    October 2008
    Lunch break

  93. Ex-Masturbator (with.. uh… white stains all over the front)

  94. Ex-Masturbator.
    I just punch out koalas now.

  95. “Ex-Masturbator
    3 days since last incident”

    Make it look like a sign in a factory

    [my dog]

  97. Ex-Masturbator: Now I just fling poo.

  98. Ex-Masturbator: the “ex” stands for EXCELLENT!

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I choke real chickens

    Ex-Masturbator: ’cause that’s just how I roll. (that’s an ecstasy joke)

    X-Masturbator: I pull stunts and the pud

  99. X-Masturbator: because two people won’t fit on a skateboard


    Dear god. I can’t stop.

  100. X-Masturbator: for a given value of x

    Ex-Masturbator: I took up where Monica left off

    Ex-Masturbator: Although the CEO calls me his “assistant”

  101. The one hundredth Ex-masturbator joke is mine, ahem,
    Ex-masturbator: every sperm is sacred, and I’m saving it for sanctity of your face.

  102. @skepticalhippie: DAMN YOU!!

  103. Now I have that damn, Every sperm is sacred, song stuck in my head.

  104. Ex-Masturbator: Double Jointed.

    I might get an ex-masturbator shirt for my friend who lost both thumbs.

  105. Umm… Comment 102 to was for @sethmanapio: , not for me, turns out I’m retarded.

  106. I wasn’t masturbating, I was just cleaning it and it went off. (Umm, I begrudgingly have to give that credit to Blink 182)

  107. Ex-Masturbator: the judge makes me take depo provera

    Ex-Masturbator: I discovered Anal Sex

  108. @davew: An add-on from your quote

    Ex-Masturbator: ever since I started dating your daughter.

  109. Ex-Masurbator: Because size does matter

  110. Have we had:

    Ex-Masturbator – his new wife is livid

  111. @sethmanapio:
    COTW. Self-felatio tops robot hookers any day.

  112. “Imagination is my girlfriend.”

    Seriously though, how amoral are these people if stomping out the dread scourge of masturbation is more important than feeding the hungry?

  113. Ex Maturbator: Spare the rod, spoil the….nevermind.

  114. Did anyone else notice the pastor’s name? (Click on FAQ.)

    Pastor Justin Cox

    That’s just too perfect. *giggles*

  115. ex-masturbator: now I minister a flock

  116. @Blake Stacey: No, I just didn’t get in early enough.

  117. Ex-Ex-Masturbater in 3..2..AAAAAAHHHH!

  118. How does one get through adolescence without masturbating?

  119. “Ex-Masturbator – Until I Get Home”

  120. Ex – Masturbator’s: Join Us. Our MEMBERShip ranks ARE SWELLING rapidly.

  121. with credits to cgmasson:

    “Ex – Masturbator’s: Don’t touch your cock – instead join our flock.”

    There is an MC Hammer parody video in here somewhere.


  122. I have always been fond of saying i am a “Member of the Royal Order of the Knights of St. Onan”

    If you get THAT, you’re OK in my book.

  123. Perhaps you could go for the extreme sports market?


    Possibly a christmas theme?

    “X-mas-turbator” with accompanying picture of Mrs clause, possibly with candy-cane.
    Now I can’t get a phrase out of my head. “Jesus is the reason for my pleasin’”. Is that just wrong?

  124. I am loling so hard right now, guys.

  125. Ex-Masturbor

    In small print underneeth:

    Ex is short for Extreme.

  126. @Rottenmac: If you’re spillin, gods a killin!

  127. Ex-Masturbator: I quit cold turkey… several times in an afternoon.

  128. These shirts are such a turn-on.

  129. Masturbator: If God didn’t want me to he should have made my arms shorter.

    I’m sure there is a T-Rex joke here somewhere.

  130. I desperately want one of these shirts to wear ironically (or sadly literally for ex-fornicator…it’s a rough patch), but i would have to fund the people that make them.

  131. Ex-Masturbator: …but I can wash it as fast as I want to.

  132. I had to sign up, cause you clearly missed one:
    Ex-Masturbator: because Ex’s need love too.

  133. Ex-Masturbator: 5 minutes and counting…

  134. Ex-Masturbator … Touch wood

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