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Because only the priest can touch me there

Via Feministing I found this sad/hilarious site that teaches young, credulous people that it is shameful to masturbate. It’s sad because, I mean come on, masturbation is nearly the greatest possible way you can spend ten minutes, right after (INSERT JOKE HERE).

It’s hilarious because they are selling t-shirts that say “EX-Masturbator,” which has only encouraged me to sell t-shirts that say similar, yet slightly different things. Like this:

Because only the priest can touch me there

I am currently accepting alternative slogans, and have one shirt that just says “Masturbator” if you prefer simplicity:

Masturbator

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

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134 Comments

  1. February 4, 2009 at 1:54 pm —

    Right after what? Inquiring minds really want to know!!

  2. February 4, 2009 at 1:54 pm —

    Those T-shirts make me so sad…

    A masturbator T-shirt would be amazing, though.

  3. February 4, 2009 at 2:00 pm —

    @Blake Stacey: Ha ha, that was poor timing. Firefox started freaking out and I hit submit before I had time to come up with a joke. I’ve edited now.

  4. February 4, 2009 at 2:06 pm —

    Oh please, oh please! I want a “Wanker” t-shirt. Bonus points if it looks like either a venue “Security” t-shirt or a band shirt.

  5. February 4, 2009 at 2:07 pm —

    I’d like to tell you how many ways that is just so wrong, but I lost count.

  6. February 4, 2009 at 2:10 pm —

    These people really aren’t about reducing teen pregnancy rates or abortion rates.

  7. February 4, 2009 at 2:14 pm —

    There’s something about the “ex-hypocrite” one that seems self-contradictory.

  8. February 4, 2009 at 2:16 pm —

    @autotroph: I’d be really surprised if someone hasn’t done one in the style of a Winger t-shirt.

  9. February 4, 2009 at 2:17 pm —

    Ex Masturbator: Therein lies the rub . . . or not

    Ex Masturbator: Not for Jesus but because I’m finally getting laid

    Ex Masturbator: Because I’m tired of shaving my palms

  10. February 4, 2009 at 2:24 pm —

    That Ex-Rebel shirt is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen, yet I kind of want one.

  11. February 4, 2009 at 2:29 pm —

    @Sam Ogden:

    Ex-Masturbator: helping Jesus come instead.

  12. February 4, 2009 at 2:31 pm —

    I… they… um…

    They expect people, unironically, to wear a shirt which says “Ex-Masturbator”? In public? Of their own free will?

    Dagnabbit, my mind is too fragile for this level of stupidity!

  13. February 4, 2009 at 2:31 pm —

    I think my shirt is quite simple.

    Ex-Maturbator: [and in small letters underneath] (in public)

  14. February 4, 2009 at 2:32 pm —

    @Imrryr: “Yeah, I used to be a rebel, but then I got bored of it all and sold out instead.”

  15. February 4, 2009 at 2:32 pm —

    @GreyDuck

    stop reading my mind!

  16. February 4, 2009 at 2:35 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Found out Mrs Palm was an adultress.

  17. February 4, 2009 at 2:35 pm —

    Ex-Masterbator: Because I’m not uptight enough.

  18. February 4, 2009 at 2:37 pm —

    @Malkavian2008: I’m not reading it. I’m skimming. Later, if I get bored, I’ll try indexing and cross-referencing…

  19. February 4, 2009 at 2:37 pm —

    @Malkavian2008: “in public”

    LOVE!

  20. February 4, 2009 at 2:37 pm —

    I’m so getting Ex-fornicator for my husband and me.

  21. February 4, 2009 at 2:38 pm —

    Ex-Masterbator: Because I still do it, I just call it something else now.

  22. February 4, 2009 at 2:39 pm —

    I want an ex-homosexual shirt!

  23. February 4, 2009 at 2:40 pm —

    @Joshua:

    “I didn’t sell out. I bought in.”

    What, am I the only person here who’s seen SLC Punk?

  24. February 4, 2009 at 2:42 pm —

    Ex- Masterbator. But give me ten minutes.

  25. February 4, 2009 at 2:44 pm —

    I just thought of a new one.

    Ex-Masturbator: co-workers complained.

  26. February 4, 2009 at 2:47 pm —

    EX-Masturbator:
    Because now my idle hands do the devils work.

    EX-Masturbator:
    Because I jerked it off.

    EX-Masturbator:
    Due to a horrible industrial accident.

    EX-Masturbator:
    Because god is a pervert and keeps watching me

  27. February 4, 2009 at 2:49 pm —

    I’d like to see: Ex-asperated, Ex-cellent, Ex-centric, Ex-citable, Ex-foliated, Ex-hausted, Ex-hibitionist, Ex-istential, Ex-peditious, Ex-perimental, Ex-pletive, Ex-plicable, Ex-plicit, Ex-plorer, Ex-pressionist, Ex-quisite, Ex-terminate, Ex-traordinary, Ex-uberant.

    Reverse Dictionary is a wonderful thing.

  28. February 4, 2009 at 2:51 pm —

    Masterbator:

    Jizz for Jesus

  29. February 4, 2009 at 2:53 pm —

    EX-Masticator:

    On a liquid diet for Jesus

    EX-Masturbator:

    I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.

    @Imrryr:

    I could totally see EX-Rebel becoming the new hipster trend…

  30. February 4, 2009 at 2:54 pm —

    So, if I only masturbate to saddlebacking videos, do I still qualify as an Ex-Masturbator?

  31. February 4, 2009 at 2:54 pm —

    Masterbator

    Or would you prefer I date your daughter?

  32. February 4, 2009 at 2:54 pm —

    The “Ex-terminate” one would of course be accompanied by an image of a face-off between a Dalek and a T-800.

  33. February 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm —

    It would be pretty sad if someone wore an Ex-Masturbator shirt and got suspended from school or kicked out a church club for wearing a shirt with offensive content on it.

    Ex-Rebel: Jesus totally sold out when Christianity went mainstream.

    When Jesus finally returns the 12 apostles will be like the guys at the back of the club bragging about how they were into Jesus long before it was cool.

  34. February 4, 2009 at 2:55 pm —

    And I can’t spell. :-( Apologies

  35. February 4, 2009 at 2:56 pm —

    EX-parrot

  36. February 4, 2009 at 2:56 pm —

    @Expatria: I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.

    BRILLIANT. However, you might want to use a… sliding… scale to calculate the rates based on attractiveness of the ex in question…

  37. February 4, 2009 at 2:58 pm —

    EX-patria:

    What? That’s my handle! :-P

    EX-Lax

    Move. No, seriously. I’VE GOT TO GO!

  38. February 4, 2009 at 2:58 pm —

    I can’t pass up any chance to be a smartass, so here’s some contributions even though I don’t think any of them are as good as the priest joke.

    Ex-Masturbator – just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun

    Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb

    Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.

    @Blake Stacey: Not quite, I’m still quite proud an essay I wrote on that for a film class was used by the prof for a demonstration of an excellent paper for future classes.

  39. February 4, 2009 at 3:11 pm —

    @Merkuto: “Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb” made me laugh way too loudly.

  40. February 4, 2009 at 3:13 pm —

    @Rebecca: And knowing that has made my day. And it’s hard typing with a numb hand.

  41. February 4, 2009 at 3:16 pm —

    @Merkuto: “Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.” That assumes you only use one hand, and don’t ask me how I’m typing this.

  42. February 4, 2009 at 3:17 pm —

    You’re all sick. I love each and every one of you…in that way.

  43. February 4, 2009 at 3:20 pm —

    @Malkavian2008: I’m getting a weird revised version of the poison in the goblet scene from The Princess Bride in my head. It’s a little disturbing… I kinda like it.

  44. February 4, 2009 at 3:21 pm —

    Ooooooooo I just thought of a new one.

    Born Again Masturbator

  45. February 4, 2009 at 3:28 pm —

    “…10 minutes and counting!”
    “…what, TMI?”

  46. February 4, 2009 at 3:54 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Because only my robot hooker will do

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I call it “prostate maintainance”

  47. February 4, 2009 at 3:59 pm —

    “10 minutes”?!

  48. February 4, 2009 at 4:00 pm —

    How sad that people think pleasure is sinful. I never bought into the idea that masturbation is sin. Wait. Maybe that’s why I backslid and became an atheist. All that sinful masturbation!

  49. February 4, 2009 at 4:00 pm —

    COTW has got to come from this thread….

  50. February 4, 2009 at 4:01 pm —

    Ex Masturbator: Cuz there not a chance of snowballing in heaven.

  51. February 4, 2009 at 4:02 pm —

    This thread is making me laugh so hard I came. No, wait, that was all the masturbating. The thread just made me laugh.

    How about one for reformed internet trolls?

    EX-MASTER BAITER

  52. February 4, 2009 at 4:02 pm —

    @Malkavian2008: You mean ‘Come Again Masturbator’ :D

  53. February 4, 2009 at 4:08 pm —

    How about an Ex-Heterosexual t-shirt?

  54. February 4, 2009 at 4:08 pm —

    @tkingdoll: Master Baiter is back on the poop deck with Seaman Richard.

  55. February 4, 2009 at 4:16 pm —

    This will make it a lot easier to know who to avoid at parties.

  56. February 4, 2009 at 4:19 pm —

    “Ex-masturbator: I have 7 little sisters and no door lock. Sigh.”

  57. February 4, 2009 at 4:24 pm —

    @D-Notice: Wait, is the 10-minute objection that it’s too short or too long? Because I have no idea but I suspect that’s maybe what I average?

  58. February 4, 2009 at 4:25 pm —

    How about Ex-Intellectual (now I swallow what I’m told)

  59. February 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm —

    Ex-masturbator
    Now I’m all about the saddleback

  60. February 4, 2009 at 4:26 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator
    I never look at the internet anymore

  61. February 4, 2009 at 4:31 pm —

    @Augustus: Ex-Masturbator: Now I call it “prostate maintainance”

    COTW!

    @writerdd: Your wish is my command*.

    *Wish fulfillment guarantee excludes any masturbatory exercises.

  62. February 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm —

    Masturbation: its what gets you expelled.

  63. February 4, 2009 at 4:36 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator
    Due to rapidly deteriorating eyesight

    Atheist Ex-Masturbator
    Because it’s no longer kinky if Jesus isn’t watching

  64. February 4, 2009 at 4:37 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator
    I’m just checking for testicular cancer, honest

  65. February 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm —

    Ex-masturbator
    I ran out of lotion

  66. February 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm —

    Ex-masturbator
    I ran out of batteries

  67. February 4, 2009 at 4:38 pm —

    @James Fox: Expelled and exposed.

  68. February 4, 2009 at 4:39 pm —

    @James Fox: Still no intelligence allowed?

  69. February 4, 2009 at 4:49 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Because I am tired of explaining to the police why my pants are around my ankles due to the fact that I was looking for a tissue and turned my steering wheel to the right which made me swerve into a house. (Maybe that is to long for a T-Shirt)

  70. February 4, 2009 at 4:51 pm —

    Coffee mug:

    Ex-Masturbator-It’s milk in my coffee. I swear.

  71. February 4, 2009 at 4:53 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Don’t Turn Around!

  72. February 4, 2009 at 5:04 pm —

    Ex-maturbator
    Now I’m an ordained priest, who wants to be my alter boy?

  73. February 4, 2009 at 5:20 pm —

    Two thoughts…

    First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?

    Better would be the text with the universal symbol for NOT (the red circle slash) over the word “Ex”

  74. February 4, 2009 at 5:24 pm —

    Ex-masturbator
    I really am happy to see you.

    Tshirt: Ex-masturbator
    Belt Buckle: My eyes are the other direction

  75. February 4, 2009 at 5:25 pm —

    @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

  76. February 4, 2009 at 5:28 pm —

    @Rebecca:

    And when they finish with THAT, they NEED to Photoshop the Masturbating Bear from Conan wearing ANY of these shirts.

    IT IS REQUIRED FOR THE BETTERMENT OF ALL MANKIND :)

  77. February 4, 2009 at 5:32 pm —

    @Calladus:

    Or Edward Scissorhands.

  78. February 4, 2009 at 5:42 pm —

    @Sam Ogden:
    Or Christopher Reeve…

  79. February 4, 2009 at 5:45 pm —

    @Rebecca: You must have stronger wrists than me… ;-)

  80. February 4, 2009 at 5:45 pm —

    @Pretty Much All Of You:
    Or Jesus…

  81. February 4, 2009 at 5:49 pm —

    @Expatria: Or Paedobear from /b/.

  82. February 4, 2009 at 6:00 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: I pulled a muscle

  83. February 4, 2009 at 6:02 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: as of 5 minutes ago

    or

    Ex-Masturbator: take me to your Ex

  84. February 4, 2009 at 6:10 pm —

    @Rebecca:

    @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

    As soon as you put this in the Skepchick store, I will order 3!

  85. February 4, 2009 at 6:11 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator
    Do you know the name of a good massage parlor?

  86. February 4, 2009 at 6:12 pm —

    Ex:
    Masturbator

    Currently:
    Angry, stressed out, twitchy and awkwardly hiding a boner.

  87. February 4, 2009 at 6:58 pm —

    @Augustus:
    ———————-
    DAMN YOU!!

    Mine was going to be “Ex-Masturbator: [my roomba does it for me]” but you stole my thunder.

    Ex-Masturbator: [it’s not the same since the operation]

    Ex-Masturbator: [I finally met your mother]

    Ex-Masturbator: [please help]

    Ex-Masturbator: [with a wide stance]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Larry Craig Style]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Want to join me in the Men’s room?]

  88. February 4, 2009 at 7:05 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: [Now I get off on God]
    {backs}
    And by God, I mean your mother.
    And by God, I mean my Cat
    And by God, I mean your Girlfriend
    Pretty soon I’m going to need a new bible
    I call it E-please-eastes
    I keep him in my basement

  89. February 4, 2009 at 7:10 pm —

    Ex Masturbator: It’s only a big adventure if you’re Peewee.

  90. February 4, 2009 at 7:22 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator from Nantucket
    (on back) Living the Dream

  91. February 4, 2009 at 7:24 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Ten Years of Yoga Finally Paid Off

    Okay. I must stop now.

  92. February 4, 2009 at 7:33 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator

    Since June 2008
    August 2008
    October 2008
    Tuesday
    Lunch break

  93. February 4, 2009 at 7:36 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator (with.. uh… white stains all over the front)

  94. February 4, 2009 at 7:40 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator.
    I just punch out koalas now.

  95. February 4, 2009 at 8:05 pm —

    “Ex-Masturbator
    3 days since last incident”

    Make it look like a sign in a factory

  96. February 4, 2009 at 8:16 pm —

    “I QUIT MASTURBATING”
    [my dog]

  97. February 4, 2009 at 8:16 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I just fling poo.

  98. February 4, 2009 at 8:21 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: the “ex” stands for EXCELLENT!

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I choke real chickens

    Ex-Masturbator: ’cause that’s just how I roll. (that’s an ecstasy joke)

    X-Masturbator: I pull stunts and the pud

  99. February 4, 2009 at 8:22 pm —

    X-Masturbator: because two people won’t fit on a skateboard

    Ex-Masturbator:

    Dear god. I can’t stop.

  100. February 4, 2009 at 8:25 pm —

    X-Masturbator: for a given value of x

    Ex-Masturbator: I took up where Monica left off

    Ex-Masturbator: Although the CEO calls me his “assistant”

  101. February 4, 2009 at 8:28 pm —

    The one hundredth Ex-masturbator joke is mine, ahem,
    Ex-masturbator: every sperm is sacred, and I’m saving it for sanctity of your face.

  102. February 4, 2009 at 8:28 pm —

    @skepticalhippie: DAMN YOU!!

  103. February 4, 2009 at 8:29 pm —

    Now I have that damn, Every sperm is sacred, song stuck in my head.

  104. February 4, 2009 at 8:30 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: Double Jointed.

    I might get an ex-masturbator shirt for my friend who lost both thumbs.

  105. February 4, 2009 at 8:30 pm —

    Umm… Comment 102 to was for @sethmanapio: , not for me, turns out I’m retarded.

  106. February 4, 2009 at 8:33 pm —

    I wasn’t masturbating, I was just cleaning it and it went off. (Umm, I begrudgingly have to give that credit to Blink 182)

  107. February 4, 2009 at 8:35 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: the judge makes me take depo provera

    Ex-Masturbator: I discovered Anal Sex

  108. February 4, 2009 at 8:46 pm —

    @davew: An add-on from your quote

    Ex-Masturbator: ever since I started dating your daughter.

  109. February 4, 2009 at 9:03 pm —

    Ex-Masurbator: Because size does matter

  110. February 4, 2009 at 9:05 pm —

    Have we had:

    Ex-Masturbator – his new wife is livid

  111. February 4, 2009 at 9:19 pm —

    @sethmanapio:
    COTW. Self-felatio tops robot hookers any day.

  112. February 4, 2009 at 9:30 pm —

    “Imagination is my girlfriend.”

    Seriously though, how amoral are these people if stomping out the dread scourge of masturbation is more important than feeding the hungry?

  113. February 4, 2009 at 9:46 pm —

    Ex Maturbator: Spare the rod, spoil the….nevermind.

  114. February 4, 2009 at 9:58 pm —

    Did anyone else notice the pastor’s name? (Click on FAQ.)

    Pastor Justin Cox

    That’s just too perfect. *giggles*

  115. February 4, 2009 at 10:55 pm —

    ex-masturbator: now I minister a flock

  116. February 4, 2009 at 11:48 pm —

    @Blake Stacey: No, I just didn’t get in early enough.

  117. February 4, 2009 at 11:49 pm —

    Ex-Ex-Masturbater in 3..2..AAAAAAHHHH!

  118. February 5, 2009 at 12:03 am —

    How does one get through adolescence without masturbating?

  119. February 5, 2009 at 2:56 am —

    “Ex-Masturbator – Until I Get Home”

  120. February 5, 2009 at 3:08 am —

    Ex – Masturbator’s: Join Us. Our MEMBERShip ranks ARE SWELLING rapidly.

  121. February 5, 2009 at 3:13 am —

    with credits to cgmasson:

    “Ex – Masturbator’s: Don’t touch your cock – instead join our flock.”

    There is an MC Hammer parody video in here somewhere.

    BCT……

  122. February 5, 2009 at 5:18 am —

    I have always been fond of saying i am a “Member of the Royal Order of the Knights of St. Onan”

    If you get THAT, you’re OK in my book.

  123. February 5, 2009 at 7:08 am —

    Perhaps you could go for the extreme sports market?

    “Masturbator-X!”

    Possibly a christmas theme?

    “X-mas-turbator” with accompanying picture of Mrs clause, possibly with candy-cane.
    Now I can’t get a phrase out of my head. “Jesus is the reason for my pleasin'”. Is that just wrong?

  124. February 5, 2009 at 10:05 am —

    I am loling so hard right now, guys.

  125. February 5, 2009 at 11:02 am —

    Ex-Masturbor

    In small print underneeth:

    Ex is short for Extreme.

  126. February 5, 2009 at 11:07 am —

    @Rottenmac: If you’re spillin, gods a killin!

  127. February 5, 2009 at 11:25 am —

    Ex-Masturbator: I quit cold turkey… several times in an afternoon.

  128. February 5, 2009 at 3:18 pm —

    These shirts are such a turn-on.

  129. February 5, 2009 at 5:35 pm —

    Masturbator: If God didn’t want me to he should have made my arms shorter.

    I’m sure there is a T-Rex joke here somewhere.

  130. February 5, 2009 at 6:02 pm —

    I desperately want one of these shirts to wear ironically (or sadly literally for ex-fornicator…it’s a rough patch), but i would have to fund the people that make them.

  131. February 5, 2009 at 9:59 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: …but I can wash it as fast as I want to.

  132. February 6, 2009 at 5:42 pm —

    I had to sign up, cause you clearly missed one:
    Ex-Masturbator: because Ex’s need love too.

  133. February 11, 2009 at 4:26 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator: 5 minutes and counting…

  134. February 27, 2009 at 6:57 pm —

    Ex-Masturbator … Touch wood

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