Because only the priest can touch me there

Via Feministing I found this sad/hilarious site that teaches young, credulous people that it is shameful to masturbate. It’s sad because, I mean come on, masturbation is nearly the greatest possible way you can spend ten minutes, right after (INSERT JOKE HERE).

It’s hilarious because they are selling t-shirts that say “EX-Masturbator,” which has only encouraged me to sell t-shirts that say similar, yet slightly different things. Like this:

Because only the priest can touch me there

I am currently accepting alternative slogans, and have one shirt that just says “Masturbator” if you prefer simplicity:


Avatar of Rebecca Watson
Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at and appears on the weekly Skeptics' Guide to the Universe podcast. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.


  1. Avatar of Blake Stacey

    Right after what? Inquiring minds really want to know!!

  2. Avatar of Lizzi

    Those T-shirts make me so sad…

    A masturbator T-shirt would be amazing, though.

  3. Avatar of Rebecca Watson

    @Blake Stacey: Ha ha, that was poor timing. Firefox started freaking out and I hit submit before I had time to come up with a joke. I’ve edited now.

  4. Avatar of autotroph

    Oh please, oh please! I want a “Wanker” t-shirt. Bonus points if it looks like either a venue “Security” t-shirt or a band shirt.

  5. Avatar of infinitemonkey

    I’d like to tell you how many ways that is just so wrong, but I lost count.

  6. Avatar of marilove

    These people really aren’t about reducing teen pregnancy rates or abortion rates.

  7. Avatar of Steve D

    There’s something about the “ex-hypocrite” one that seems self-contradictory.

  8. Avatar of Steve D

    @autotroph: I’d be really surprised if someone hasn’t done one in the style of a Winger t-shirt.

  9. Avatar of Sam Ogden

    Ex Masturbator: Therein lies the rub . . . or not

    Ex Masturbator: Not for Jesus but because I’m finally getting laid

    Ex Masturbator: Because I’m tired of shaving my palms

  10. Avatar of Imrryr

    That Ex-Rebel shirt is the lamest thing I’ve ever seen, yet I kind of want one.

  11. Avatar of autotroph

    @Sam Ogden:

    Ex-Masturbator: helping Jesus come instead.

  12. Avatar of GreyDuck

    I… they… um…

    They expect people, unironically, to wear a shirt which says “Ex-Masturbator”? In public? Of their own free will?

    Dagnabbit, my mind is too fragile for this level of stupidity!

  13. Avatar of Malkavian2008

    I think my shirt is quite simple.

    Ex-Maturbator: [and in small letters underneath] (in public)

  14. Avatar of Joshua

    @Imrryr: “Yeah, I used to be a rebel, but then I got bored of it all and sold out instead.”

  15. Avatar of Malkavian2008


    stop reading my mind!

  16. Avatar of thad

    Ex-Masturbator: Found out Mrs Palm was an adultress.

  17. Avatar of Epicurious

    Ex-Masterbator: Because I’m not uptight enough.

  18. Avatar of GreyDuck

    @Malkavian2008: I’m not reading it. I’m skimming. Later, if I get bored, I’ll try indexing and cross-referencing…

  19. Avatar of Rebecca Watson

    @Malkavian2008: “in public”


  20. Avatar of Elyse

    I’m so getting Ex-fornicator for my husband and me.

  21. Avatar of Vengeful Harridan (Elexina)

    Ex-Masterbator: Because I still do it, I just call it something else now.

  22. Avatar of LOLkate

    I want an ex-homosexual shirt!

  23. Avatar of Blake Stacey


    “I didn’t sell out. I bought in.”

    What, am I the only person here who’s seen SLC Punk?

  24. Avatar of PrimevilKneivel

    Ex- Masterbator. But give me ten minutes.

  25. Avatar of Malkavian2008

    I just thought of a new one.

    Ex-Masturbator: co-workers complained.

  26. Avatar of Pinkbunny

    Because now my idle hands do the devils work.

    Because I jerked it off.

    Due to a horrible industrial accident.

    Because god is a pervert and keeps watching me

  27. Avatar of Steve D

    I’d like to see: Ex-asperated, Ex-cellent, Ex-centric, Ex-citable, Ex-foliated, Ex-hausted, Ex-hibitionist, Ex-istential, Ex-peditious, Ex-perimental, Ex-pletive, Ex-plicable, Ex-plicit, Ex-plorer, Ex-pressionist, Ex-quisite, Ex-terminate, Ex-traordinary, Ex-uberant.

    Reverse Dictionary is a wonderful thing.

  28. Avatar of davew


    Jizz for Jesus

  29. Avatar of Expatria


    On a liquid diet for Jesus


    I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.


    I could totally see EX-Rebel becoming the new hipster trend…

  30. Avatar of ThickMcRunfast

    So, if I only masturbate to saddlebacking videos, do I still qualify as an Ex-Masturbator?

  31. Avatar of davew


    Or would you prefer I date your daughter?

  32. Avatar of Steve D

    The “Ex-terminate” one would of course be accompanied by an image of a face-off between a Dalek and a T-800.

  33. Avatar of Imrryr

    It would be pretty sad if someone wore an Ex-Masturbator shirt and got suspended from school or kicked out a church club for wearing a shirt with offensive content on it.

    Ex-Rebel: Jesus totally sold out when Christianity went mainstream.

    When Jesus finally returns the 12 apostles will be like the guys at the back of the club bragging about how they were into Jesus long before it was cool.

  34. Avatar of davew

    And I can’t spell. :-( Apologies

  35. Avatar of wet_bread


  36. Avatar of GreyDuck

    @Expatria: I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.

    BRILLIANT. However, you might want to use a… sliding… scale to calculate the rates based on attractiveness of the ex in question…

  37. Avatar of Expatria


    What? That’s my handle! :-P


    Move. No, seriously. I’VE GOT TO GO!

  38. Avatar of Merkuto

    I can’t pass up any chance to be a smartass, so here’s some contributions even though I don’t think any of them are as good as the priest joke.

    Ex-Masturbator – just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun

    Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb

    Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.

    @Blake Stacey: Not quite, I’m still quite proud an essay I wrote on that for a film class was used by the prof for a demonstration of an excellent paper for future classes.

  39. Avatar of Rebecca Watson

    @Merkuto: “Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb” made me laugh way too loudly.

  40. Avatar of Merkuto

    @Rebecca: And knowing that has made my day. And it’s hard typing with a numb hand.

  41. Avatar of Malkavian2008

    @Merkuto: “Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.” That assumes you only use one hand, and don’t ask me how I’m typing this.

  42. Avatar of KingMerv00

    You’re all sick. I love each and every one of you…in that way.

  43. Avatar of Merkuto

    @Malkavian2008: I’m getting a weird revised version of the poison in the goblet scene from The Princess Bride in my head. It’s a little disturbing… I kinda like it.

  44. Avatar of Malkavian2008

    Ooooooooo I just thought of a new one.

    Born Again Masturbator

  45. Avatar of Steve D

    “…10 minutes and counting!”
    “…what, TMI?”

  46. Avatar of Augustus

    Ex-Masturbator: Because only my robot hooker will do

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I call it “prostate maintainance”

  47. Avatar of D-Notice

    “10 minutes”?!

  48. Avatar of writerdd

    How sad that people think pleasure is sinful. I never bought into the idea that masturbation is sin. Wait. Maybe that’s why I backslid and became an atheist. All that sinful masturbation!

  49. Avatar of writerdd

    COTW has got to come from this thread….

  50. Avatar of James Fox

    Ex Masturbator: Cuz there not a chance of snowballing in heaven.

  51. Avatar of Tracy King

    This thread is making me laugh so hard I came. No, wait, that was all the masturbating. The thread just made me laugh.

    How about one for reformed internet trolls?


  52. Avatar of Tracy King

    @Malkavian2008: You mean ‘Come Again Masturbator’ :D

  53. Avatar of thad

    How about an Ex-Heterosexual t-shirt?

  54. Avatar of James Fox

    @tkingdoll: Master Baiter is back on the poop deck with Seaman Richard.

  55. Avatar of JC

    This will make it a lot easier to know who to avoid at parties.

  56. Avatar of Kimbo Jones

    “Ex-masturbator: I have 7 little sisters and no door lock. Sigh.”

  57. Avatar of Rebecca Watson

    @D-Notice: Wait, is the 10-minute objection that it’s too short or too long? Because I have no idea but I suspect that’s maybe what I average?

  58. Avatar of Marsh

    How about Ex-Intellectual (now I swallow what I’m told)

  59. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    Now I’m all about the saddleback

  60. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    I never look at the internet anymore

  61. Avatar of durnett

    @Augustus: Ex-Masturbator: Now I call it “prostate maintainance”


    @writerdd: Your wish is my command*.

    *Wish fulfillment guarantee excludes any masturbatory exercises.

  62. Avatar of James Fox

    Masturbation: its what gets you expelled.

  63. Avatar of Donald Sinclair

    Due to rapidly deteriorating eyesight

    Atheist Ex-Masturbator
    Because it’s no longer kinky if Jesus isn’t watching

  64. Avatar of Donald Sinclair

    I’m just checking for testicular cancer, honest

  65. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    I ran out of lotion

  66. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    I ran out of batteries

  67. Avatar of durnett

    @James Fox: Expelled and exposed.

  68. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    @James Fox: Still no intelligence allowed?

  69. Avatar of Malkavian2008

    Ex-Masturbator: Because I am tired of explaining to the police why my pants are around my ankles due to the fact that I was looking for a tissue and turned my steering wheel to the right which made me swerve into a house. (Maybe that is to long for a T-Shirt)

  70. Avatar of durnett

    Coffee mug:

    Ex-Masturbator-It’s milk in my coffee. I swear.

  71. Avatar of Malkavian2008

    Ex-Masturbator: Don’t Turn Around!

  72. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    Now I’m an ordained priest, who wants to be my alter boy?

  73. Avatar of Calladus

    Two thoughts…

    First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?

    Better would be the text with the universal symbol for NOT (the red circle slash) over the word “Ex”

  74. Avatar of davew

    I really am happy to see you.

    Tshirt: Ex-masturbator
    Belt Buckle: My eyes are the other direction

  75. Avatar of Rebecca Watson

    @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

  76. Avatar of Expatria


    And when they finish with THAT, they NEED to Photoshop the Masturbating Bear from Conan wearing ANY of these shirts.


  77. Avatar of Sam Ogden


    Or Edward Scissorhands.

  78. Avatar of Pinkbunny

    @Sam Ogden:
    Or Christopher Reeve…

  79. Avatar of D-Notice

    @Rebecca: You must have stronger wrists than me… ;-)

  80. Avatar of Marsh

    @Pretty Much All Of You:
    Or Jesus…

  81. Avatar of Joshua

    @Expatria: Or Paedobear from /b/.

  82. Avatar of Augustus

    Ex-Masturbator: I pulled a muscle

  83. Avatar of Marsh

    Ex-Masturbator: as of 5 minutes ago


    Ex-Masturbator: take me to your Ex

  84. Avatar of durnett


    @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

    As soon as you put this in the Skepchick store, I will order 3!

  85. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley

    Do you know the name of a good massage parlor?

  86. Avatar of Gabrielbrawley


    Angry, stressed out, twitchy and awkwardly hiding a boner.

  87. Avatar of sethmanapio

    DAMN YOU!!

    Mine was going to be “Ex-Masturbator: [my roomba does it for me]” but you stole my thunder.

    Ex-Masturbator: [it's not the same since the operation]

    Ex-Masturbator: [I finally met your mother]

    Ex-Masturbator: [please help]

    Ex-Masturbator: [with a wide stance]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Larry Craig Style]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Want to join me in the Men's room?]

  88. Avatar of sethmanapio

    Ex-Masturbator: [Now I get off on God]
    And by God, I mean your mother.
    And by God, I mean my Cat
    And by God, I mean your Girlfriend
    Pretty soon I’m going to need a new bible
    I call it E-please-eastes
    I keep him in my basement

  89. Avatar of James Fox

    Ex Masturbator: It’s only a big adventure if you’re Peewee.

  90. Avatar of sethmanapio

    Ex-Masturbator from Nantucket
    (on back) Living the Dream

  91. Avatar of sethmanapio

    Ex-Masturbator: Ten Years of Yoga Finally Paid Off

    Okay. I must stop now.

  92. Avatar of Infophile


    Since June 2008
    August 2008
    October 2008
    Lunch break

  93. Avatar of Chew

    Ex-Masturbator (with.. uh… white stains all over the front)

  94. Avatar of JennY.

    I just punch out koalas now.

  95. Avatar of Calladus

    3 days since last incident”

    Make it look like a sign in a factory

  96. Avatar of sethmanapio

    [my dog]

  97. Avatar of sethmanapio

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I just fling poo.

  98. Avatar of sethmanapio

    Ex-Masturbator: the “ex” stands for EXCELLENT!

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I choke real chickens

    Ex-Masturbator: ’cause that’s just how I roll. (that’s an ecstasy joke)

    X-Masturbator: I pull stunts and the pud

  99. Avatar of sethmanapio

    X-Masturbator: because two people won’t fit on a skateboard


    Dear god. I can’t stop.

  100. Avatar of sethmanapio

    X-Masturbator: for a given value of x

    Ex-Masturbator: I took up where Monica left off

    Ex-Masturbator: Although the CEO calls me his “assistant”

  101. Avatar of skepticalhippie

    The one hundredth Ex-masturbator joke is mine, ahem,
    Ex-masturbator: every sperm is sacred, and I’m saving it for sanctity of your face.

  102. Avatar of skepticalhippie

    @skepticalhippie: DAMN YOU!!

  103. Avatar of skepticalhippie

    Now I have that damn, Every sperm is sacred, song stuck in my head.

  104. Avatar of Geekoid

    Ex-Masturbator: Double Jointed.

    I might get an ex-masturbator shirt for my friend who lost both thumbs.

  105. Avatar of skepticalhippie

    Umm… Comment 102 to was for @sethmanapio: , not for me, turns out I’m retarded.

  106. Avatar of skepticalhippie

    I wasn’t masturbating, I was just cleaning it and it went off. (Umm, I begrudgingly have to give that credit to Blink 182)

  107. Avatar of sethmanapio

    Ex-Masturbator: the judge makes me take depo provera

    Ex-Masturbator: I discovered Anal Sex

  108. Avatar of skepticalhippie

    @davew: An add-on from your quote

    Ex-Masturbator: ever since I started dating your daughter.

  109. Avatar of l8rgods

    Ex-Masurbator: Because size does matter

  110. Avatar of Tracy King

    Have we had:

    Ex-Masturbator – his new wife is livid

  111. Avatar of Augustus

    COTW. Self-felatio tops robot hookers any day.

  112. Avatar of acephalist

    “Imagination is my girlfriend.”

    Seriously though, how amoral are these people if stomping out the dread scourge of masturbation is more important than feeding the hungry?

  113. Avatar of Jimmy

    Ex Maturbator: Spare the rod, spoil the….nevermind.

  114. Avatar of jenigray

    Did anyone else notice the pastor’s name? (Click on FAQ.)

    Pastor Justin Cox

    That’s just too perfect. *giggles*

  115. Avatar of cgmasson

    ex-masturbator: now I minister a flock

  116. Avatar of killyosaur42

    @Blake Stacey: No, I just didn’t get in early enough.

  117. Avatar of killyosaur42

    Ex-Ex-Masturbater in 3..2..AAAAAAHHHH!

  118. Avatar of girl du jour

    How does one get through adolescence without masturbating?

  119. Avatar of csrster

    “Ex-Masturbator – Until I Get Home”

  120. Avatar of Billy Clyde Tuggle

    Ex – Masturbator’s: Join Us. Our MEMBERShip ranks ARE SWELLING rapidly.

  121. Avatar of Billy Clyde Tuggle

    with credits to cgmasson:

    “Ex – Masturbator’s: Don’t touch your cock – instead join our flock.”

    There is an MC Hammer parody video in here somewhere.


  122. Avatar of Rottenmac

    I have always been fond of saying i am a “Member of the Royal Order of the Knights of St. Onan”

    If you get THAT, you’re OK in my book.

  123. Avatar of neverclear5

    Perhaps you could go for the extreme sports market?


    Possibly a christmas theme?

    “X-mas-turbator” with accompanying picture of Mrs clause, possibly with candy-cane.
    Now I can’t get a phrase out of my head. “Jesus is the reason for my pleasin’”. Is that just wrong?

  124. Avatar of marilove

    I am loling so hard right now, guys.

  125. Avatar of Hittman


    In small print underneeth:

    Ex is short for Extreme.

  126. Avatar of James Fox

    @Rottenmac: If you’re spillin, gods a killin!

  127. Avatar of iBREAKMIRRORS13

    Ex-Masturbator: I quit cold turkey… several times in an afternoon.

  128. Avatar of Dark Matter Effect

    These shirts are such a turn-on.

  129. Avatar of sinphree

    Masturbator: If God didn’t want me to he should have made my arms shorter.

    I’m sure there is a T-Rex joke here somewhere.

  130. Avatar of Teeter

    I desperately want one of these shirts to wear ironically (or sadly literally for ex-fornicator…it’s a rough patch), but i would have to fund the people that make them.

  131. Avatar of BigHeathenMike

    Ex-Masturbator: …but I can wash it as fast as I want to.

  132. Avatar of SASnSA

    I had to sign up, cause you clearly missed one:
    Ex-Masturbator: because Ex’s need love too.

  133. Avatar of tkmorgan

    Ex-Masturbator: 5 minutes and counting…

  134. Avatar of sinphree

    Ex-Masturbator … Touch wood

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