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Because only the priest can touch me there

Via Feministing I found this sad/hilarious site that teaches young, credulous people that it is shameful to masturbate. It’s sad because, I mean come on, masturbation is nearly the greatest possible way you can spend ten minutes, right after (INSERT JOKE HERE).

It’s hilarious because they are selling t-shirts that say “EX-Masturbator,” which has only encouraged me to sell t-shirts that say similar, yet slightly different things. Like this:

Because only the priest can touch me there

I am currently accepting alternative slogans, and have one shirt that just says “Masturbator” if you prefer simplicity:


Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor. Twitter @rebeccawatson Mastodon Instagram @actuallyrebeccawatson TikTok @actuallyrebeccawatson YouTube @rebeccawatson BlueSky

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  1. Ex Masturbator: Therein lies the rub . . . or not

    Ex Masturbator: Not for Jesus but because I’m finally getting laid

    Ex Masturbator: Because I’m tired of shaving my palms

  2. I… they… um…

    They expect people, unironically, to wear a shirt which says “Ex-Masturbator”? In public? Of their own free will?

    Dagnabbit, my mind is too fragile for this level of stupidity!

  3. I think my shirt is quite simple.

    Ex-Maturbator: [and in small letters underneath] (in public)

  4. EX-Masturbator:
    Because now my idle hands do the devils work.

    Because I jerked it off.

    Due to a horrible industrial accident.

    Because god is a pervert and keeps watching me

  5. I’d like to see: Ex-asperated, Ex-cellent, Ex-centric, Ex-citable, Ex-foliated, Ex-hausted, Ex-hibitionist, Ex-istential, Ex-peditious, Ex-perimental, Ex-pletive, Ex-plicable, Ex-plicit, Ex-plorer, Ex-pressionist, Ex-quisite, Ex-terminate, Ex-traordinary, Ex-uberant.

    Reverse Dictionary is a wonderful thing.

  6. EX-Masticator:

    On a liquid diet for Jesus


    I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.


    I could totally see EX-Rebel becoming the new hipster trend…

  7. It would be pretty sad if someone wore an Ex-Masturbator shirt and got suspended from school or kicked out a church club for wearing a shirt with offensive content on it.

    Ex-Rebel: Jesus totally sold out when Christianity went mainstream.

    When Jesus finally returns the 12 apostles will be like the guys at the back of the club bragging about how they were into Jesus long before it was cool.

  8. @Expatria: I’ll masturbate ANYONE’S ex, at a reasonable price.

    BRILLIANT. However, you might want to use a… sliding… scale to calculate the rates based on attractiveness of the ex in question…

  9. I can’t pass up any chance to be a smartass, so here’s some contributions even though I don’t think any of them are as good as the priest joke.

    Ex-Masturbator – just because we’ve broken up doesn’t mean we can’t have a little fun

    Ex-Masturbator – It doesn’t count if my hand is numb

    Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.

    @Blake Stacey: Not quite, I’m still quite proud an essay I wrote on that for a film class was used by the prof for a demonstration of an excellent paper for future classes.

  10. @Merkuto: “Masturbator – Have fun figuring out which hand to shake.” That assumes you only use one hand, and don’t ask me how I’m typing this.

  11. @Malkavian2008: I’m getting a weird revised version of the poison in the goblet scene from The Princess Bride in my head. It’s a little disturbing… I kinda like it.

  12. How sad that people think pleasure is sinful. I never bought into the idea that masturbation is sin. Wait. Maybe that’s why I backslid and became an atheist. All that sinful masturbation!

  13. This thread is making me laugh so hard I came. No, wait, that was all the masturbating. The thread just made me laugh.

    How about one for reformed internet trolls?


  14. Ex-Masturbator
    Due to rapidly deteriorating eyesight

    Atheist Ex-Masturbator
    Because it’s no longer kinky if Jesus isn’t watching

  15. Ex-Masturbator: Because I am tired of explaining to the police why my pants are around my ankles due to the fact that I was looking for a tissue and turned my steering wheel to the right which made me swerve into a house. (Maybe that is to long for a T-Shirt)

  16. Two thoughts…

    First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?

    Better would be the text with the universal symbol for NOT (the red circle slash) over the word “Ex”

  17. Ex-masturbator
    I really am happy to see you.

    Tshirt: Ex-masturbator
    Belt Buckle: My eyes are the other direction

  18. @Rebecca:

    And when they finish with THAT, they NEED to Photoshop the Masturbating Bear from Conan wearing ANY of these shirts.


  19. @Rebecca:

    @Calladus: “First, instead of the text, how about an image of Captain Hook wearing the shirt?”

    Someone has to photoshop this RIGHT NAO!

    As soon as you put this in the Skepchick store, I will order 3!

  20. @Augustus:
    DAMN YOU!!

    Mine was going to be “Ex-Masturbator: [my roomba does it for me]” but you stole my thunder.

    Ex-Masturbator: [it’s not the same since the operation]

    Ex-Masturbator: [I finally met your mother]

    Ex-Masturbator: [please help]

    Ex-Masturbator: [with a wide stance]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Larry Craig Style]

    Ex-Masturbator: [Want to join me in the Men’s room?]

  21. Ex-Masturbator: [Now I get off on God]
    And by God, I mean your mother.
    And by God, I mean my Cat
    And by God, I mean your Girlfriend
    Pretty soon I’m going to need a new bible
    I call it E-please-eastes
    I keep him in my basement

  22. Ex-Masturbator: the “ex” stands for EXCELLENT!

    Ex-Masturbator: Now I choke real chickens

    Ex-Masturbator: ’cause that’s just how I roll. (that’s an ecstasy joke)

    X-Masturbator: I pull stunts and the pud

  23. The one hundredth Ex-masturbator joke is mine, ahem,
    Ex-masturbator: every sperm is sacred, and I’m saving it for sanctity of your face.

  24. Ex-Masturbator: Double Jointed.

    I might get an ex-masturbator shirt for my friend who lost both thumbs.

  25. I wasn’t masturbating, I was just cleaning it and it went off. (Umm, I begrudgingly have to give that credit to Blink 182)

  26. “Imagination is my girlfriend.”

    Seriously though, how amoral are these people if stomping out the dread scourge of masturbation is more important than feeding the hungry?

  27. Did anyone else notice the pastor’s name? (Click on FAQ.)

    Pastor Justin Cox

    That’s just too perfect. *giggles*

  28. with credits to cgmasson:

    “Ex – Masturbator’s: Don’t touch your cock – instead join our flock.”

    There is an MC Hammer parody video in here somewhere.


  29. Perhaps you could go for the extreme sports market?


    Possibly a christmas theme?

    “X-mas-turbator” with accompanying picture of Mrs clause, possibly with candy-cane.
    Now I can’t get a phrase out of my head. “Jesus is the reason for my pleasin'”. Is that just wrong?

  30. Masturbator: If God didn’t want me to he should have made my arms shorter.

    I’m sure there is a T-Rex joke here somewhere.

  31. I desperately want one of these shirts to wear ironically (or sadly literally for ex-fornicator…it’s a rough patch), but i would have to fund the people that make them.

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