I travel for work a fair bit, but because England is small I can usually get home again at the end of the day. However, I am in London, about 130 miles from home, more and more frequently, and if I have meetings spread over a couple of days then Iâ€™ll get a hotel. I am alone in a hotel room right now, in fact, which is the inspiration for this post. The furthest Iâ€™ve travelled alone was London to Vegas for a meeting (and back again two days later, ick), and on the whole I enjoy being a lone female traveller. Over the years, though, Iâ€™ve made a few observations:
I look like a hooker.
Whenever I check into a fancy hotel alone, I immediately assume the receptionists, bellhops, waiting staff and other guests think Iâ€™m a hooker. This is because I read that high-class hookers dress like businesswomen when going about their business (makes sense) in fancy hotels. There I am in my black stiletto heels, immaculate Paul Smith suit, and perfectly-pressed Thomas Pink shirt, striding through the lobby, paranoid that the staff think my vanity case is full of lychee-flavoured condoms and lube. Itâ€™s not. Well, not always.
Room service is wretched.
Eating alone is fine, especially if itâ€™s something really naughty like a massive pizza (mushrooms a must). Settled down in front of a comedy, a 200g block of Cadburyâ€™s in the fridge for later, Iâ€™m happy to eat alone. But hotels donâ€™t allow for this level of piggery, instead they try and emulate the restaurant experience in your room. Iâ€™m looking at the room service menu right now and itâ€™s offering me a â€œbraised lamb shank served on a bed of thyme butternut squash with a rich Burgundy jusâ€. Thatâ€™s restaurant food. Itâ€™s not â€œpig out on your bed with an episode of Arrested Developmentâ€ food. Stop pointing out that Iâ€™m eating alone in my room by serving me food no-one would normally eat alone in their room.
Other people have no taste in movies.
Yay Pay-Per-View movies! Waitâ€¦what? Die Hard 4, I Am Legend, Ghost Rider, Happy Feet, and Night at the Museum. Which has Robin Williams in it. I swear these are the movie choices I have in front of me. Kill me now. Ooh, havenâ€™t checked out the porn. We have Boys Who Like Boys (GAY)â€¦OK I have to stop there. I swear it says GAY in brackets just like I typed it but itâ€™s too funny and I canâ€™t type any more. Give me a second to recover.
Back now. We also have Drink My Cum (GAY), Dirty Dykes (LESBIAN), Juicy Boys (GAY), Lateeno Spunk Gobblers (GAY), Rubbing the Muff 2, Wendy vs. Donna, and something called Girls on Girls which oddly doesnâ€™t have (LESBIAN) after it, so perhaps is a typo for Girls on Grills. You know, for barbeque fetishists.
Ghost Rider it is, then.
There are up-sides to single-occupancy though. A long hot bubble bath and an entire king-size bed (that I didnâ€™t make) to myselfâ€¦minibar with a small Toblerone for midnightâ€¦Lateeno Spunk Gobblers whenever the fancy takes me. I think Iâ€™ll dial out for that pizza, though.