Today in Iowa gay people are flipping off God and committing an act of terrorism against America’s core values by getting married.
Marriage used to be an institution that was sacred. It was resereved for one man and one woman at a time. It was so glorious that many of America’s elite, like Larry King and J-Lo, chose to celebrate it many times over. But now, America’s most sacred institution is being defiled. And your marriage (whether or not you’re married) is at risk!
Today, tell me how gay marriage is threatening your matrimonial bonds. Does the thought of having to accept people different than you make you so angry you forced to beat your wife for not having a hot dinner on the table? Are you unable to afford an interior designer to help you compete with the boys next door? Are lesbians creating long waits at your barber so they can get their “bridal buzz cuts” in time for the wedding? How is gay marriage hurting you, personally, right now?
Feel free to be as ridiculously sanctimonious as necessary. We won’t judge.