Afternoon Inquisition

Afternoon Inquisition 4.27.09

Today in Iowa gay people are flipping off God and committing an act of terrorism against America’s core values by getting married.

Marriage used to be an institution that was sacred. It was resereved for one man and one woman at a time. It was so glorious that many of America’s elite, like Larry King and J-Lo, chose to celebrate it many times over. But now, America’s most sacred institution is being defiled. And your marriage (whether or not you’re married) is at risk!

Today, tell me how gay marriage is threatening your matrimonial bonds. Does the thought of having to accept people different than you make you so angry you forced to beat your wife for not having a hot dinner on the table? Are you unable to afford an interior designer to help you compete with the boys next door? Are lesbians creating long waits at your barber so they can get their “bridal buzz cuts” in time for the wedding? How is gay marriage hurting you, personally, right now?

Feel free to be as ridiculously sanctimonious as necessary. We won’t judge.


Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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  1. It’s liek horribly wrong n’ stuff. Allowing gays to be married violates my right to live in a country where gays can’t be married. The government is taking away my freedoms!

    Hmm… that might actually be funny if it wasn’t for the fact that I’ve seen that exact “argument” being used as a real excuse to ban gay marriage. Argh, I really fucking hate people sometimes…

  2. My ex and I broke up three years ago. I have to assume that it was caused retroactively by all this gay marriage stuff. I live in NC, which is unlikely to legalize gay marriage any time soon. So, my theory is that some time in the far-flung future, same-sex couples will travel back in time to break up my marriage. That’s right, people, they have time machines! And probably some kind of marriage break-up ray guns. I bet the ray guns are pink too.

  3. Well. Clearly the economic boost provided by all those uppity gay marriage parties will help the President’s TARP plan to succeed.

    And we know we can’t have THAT. What would we do with all the left over tea(bagging)?

  4. I really wanted to order some Iowa corn this morning but when I called the handy 1-800 number I learned that in fact all Iowa corn farmers are lesbians and they were all down at the courthouse getting married!

    But seriously, congrats to all the couple in Iowa who are finally able to exercise the equal treatment under the law that they have always deserved. Here’s hoping the rest of the dominos begin to topple.

  5. Gay marriage is what’s causing me to remain painfully single.

    Before gay marriage, it would take a date or two with me for a girl to realize that she really needs to stop datin’ dudes and get with other ladies. Now that homosexuality is all “acceptable”, they find out without my help and I’m left all alone, ugly and weeping.


  6. I KNOW gay marriage is wrong, because God has blessed me with the Rod of Judgment. Whenever I see something TRULY shameful in the eyes of the Lord, he reaches down and points at the sinful exhibition with my 3 inches of Divine Wrath. When an unmarried couple are gettin’ hot and steamy, in preperation for their eternity in hell, my angry trouser-trouper in God’s eternal army points them out. When two ho-mo-sexuals are witnessed in socket-on-socket action, or joining up their extension cords, the Lord makes his anger known with my MIGHTY, MIGHTY Erection of Engorged Righteousness! Basking in the Lords love, witnessing these sins, I’m ready for the Eternal Lord and Father to take me right now, RIGHT NOW, up in heaven. I will fear no evil, for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Take me Jesus! Take me! I will eat of your flesh and drink your bodily fluids until the end of time, only place it upon my tongue, and I will be saved.

  7. To be honest gay marriage would probably improve my life considerably. Allow me to explain:

    1) As we all know when you get married you stop having regular, earth shattering, getting the cops called on you for disturbing the peace, sex. Instead your lucky if you sleep in the same bed and get what I lovingly refer to as a “pity injection” once a week or so.*

    2) The walls in my apartment complex are very thin.

    3) I share a bedroom wall with the couple next door.

    With all that in mind I convinced that if gays where gays allowed to marry I might actually be able to get some fucking sleep.

    * I don’t get married to often so I’m basing most of this on prime time sitcoms I’ve scene over the years and my ability to get a full nights sleep while living with my parents as a child.

  8. Gay marriage does not affect my marriage or make it any less valid or meaningful. It’s minute-long celebrity marriages and reality shows for finding love and people who trap each other into marriage or get married with stupid expectations and a misunderstanding of their partner that threatens marriage and undervalues mine.
    Consent adults committing to a responsible and loving relationship in the eyes of the law affects neither my life nor my marriage.

  9. I thought the prevalent problem in marriages today was trying to live up to porn standards, which could make any marriage difficult,gay or straight.

    @colddayinapril: If only my kids would hurry up and move out so my wife would stop worrying about the the thE THE NOISE!!

  10. One of the favorite talking points of the anti gay marriage crowd is that marriage is about children and since homosexual marriages don’t produce children they go against all that is holly and will bring about the end of the world as we know it. So I guess that means that my hetero marriage of 30 years is meaningless because we have not added to the overpopulating problem by producing a bunch of kids. This while the sanctimonious gay bashers are overrunning the planet with their spawn.
    As a side note, the most loved, best cared for, and most well adjusted child I know is the product of a lesbian couple. Go figure…

  11. @James Fox: Thank you oh so much for the mental image of my parents fucking like it’s going out of style the second I got two blocks away.

    THAT should be added to the list of “how not to get pregnant”.

    … i certainly wont be able to impregnate anyone now for quite some time.

  12. >>>>>>>Does the thought of having to accept people different than you make you so angry you forced to beat your wife for not having a hot dinner on the table?<<<<<>>Are you unable to afford an interior designer to help you compete with the boys next door? <<>>Are lesbians creating long waits at your barber so they can get their “bridal buzz cuts” in time for the wedding? <<>>How is gay marriage hurting you, personally, right now?<<<<<<<

    Hurting me? Heck just makin it easy for God to sort them out with thar sacrilage. There will be the time when the second coming is on us when they all be seen in the light.

    {Authors note: I feel uncomfortable just pretending to be so primitive..eeh.}

  13. I don’t know why gay people want to break up my marriage. I just know that they do.

    After my dearly beloved pastor Fred Phelps finally pronounced those words, ” I now pronounce you man and wife,” I took my new bride home to my marital bed, so I could skip the foreplay and make two minutes of passionate love to her (missionary position, of course).

    Right in the middle of my orgasm (she didn’t actually get to have one), there came a tapping on my window. I looked up to see well-manicured hipster with a tie-dye shirt peering in at me.

    “Stop doing that,” he said in a stereotypical lisp. I was already finished, so I did.

    Long story short, I’m now a crusader for traditional marriage, while behind the scenes I go around engaging in public restroom rendezvous with men named T-Bone.

    That’s what gays did to me. Those heartless Sodomites and their Madonna LPs. Their wistful… mischeivous… wonderful Madonna LPs.

  14. Why, back in my day, us gays had to get married to people of the opposite sex, raise kids, live a lie, and still find time and money to have gay hookers on the side.

    All these damn-fool gay-marrying kids have it too easy, I tells ya.

  15. Marriage is like ice cream. Remember how ice cream was only eaten by the wealthy elite back in the day because it was so difficult and time-consuming to make? Ice cream was precious and valuable. Sacred, even. But then this German guy invented the continuous-process freezer, which allowed some Nazi-loving businessman, probably a godless liberal socialist, to start mass producing and commercially distributing ice cream to EVERYONE, thus ruining ice cream forever.

  16. Well my marriage is in real trouble now. I have always found the gay lifestyle very appealing except for one big thing. The gay sex. But now that I can be gay married I know I would never have to have the gay sex. After all what is the surest way to promote abstinence? Marriage.

  17. …the silence of deep space…

    To paraphrase that heathen traitor Thomas Jefferson, “It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg…”

  18. Obviously you haven’t seen the ad campaign. If you allow same sex marriage I will have to marry another man and leave my wife. Next you are going to be asking for special privileges for people of color. If gay people are allowed to marry I will have to partake in gay sex and my wife will be ravaged by some lesbian. The only option is to fight the oppression of married heterosexuals and reinforce biblical rules like not speaking in church, for women that is, men are different, I’m sure I can find a passage from the bible to prove it. I think it’s important to remember that Gay people can marry just like anyone else as long as it’s a member of the opposite sex, who would want to marry someone of the same sex, I certainly don’t so how could you???

  19. Coincidentally, I’m celebrating my 6th wedding anniversary to my lovely wife today. I should have realized that whatever troubles we’ve had along the way were caused by gay marriage…
    probably from all the gay marriages we’re in close proximity to. Most likely from all the flaunting of their stable and healthy relationships, those heathens!
    It’s that insidious gay agenda again!

  20. Damn right it makes me angry! This will open the door to polygamy! And then people will want to marry dogs! And then dogs will want to marry cats! And then where will we be, huh? Where? Wh…*sniffle* I’m sorry. I…I just love my country. And I fear for it.

  21. Look you are impinging my constitutionally guaranteed right to discriminate against other people. How can I possibly worship my god if someone has the right to do something I disagree with? The very fact that someone is allowed to eat shrimp, lobster or crab is just disgusting. And don’t get me started on cheeseburgers. They are an abomination before the lord. And to think of all the people who engage in these disgusting behaviors, these evil sins without reprecussion from the government. Makes me so angry I want to drag someone out of their car on Saturday and beat them for driving on the sabath.

  22. Allowing gay people to marry personally wounds me because I don’t think it’s fair to have to share my privilege with others. I mean, if I couldn’t exclude others from participating in, and benefitting fully from, the society to which I belong, I couldn’t feel smugly superior to other people due to accidents of birth such as race, ability, or sexual orientation.

    I also resent others’ ability to enjoy sex: as a straight woman, I am required to subject myself to my husband’s primal urges so that I may hopefully bear children, and thus fulfill my sole purpose as uterus-vessel. Homosexual sex is definitely not for procreation, which means that people are enjoying sex, which is wrong. Especially between lesbians, because female sexuality, when not for the consumption of men, is evil. In addition, I simply resent that gay people can’t be punished for non-marital sex with unwanted pregnancies. Think: how would we ensure that Bristol Palin was suffering justly for teen sex if she had been a lesbian, and her partner couldn’t get her pregnant?

    And finally, I am personally aggrieved by the effect that gay marriage has had on how our society thinks of marriage in general. Our society has been redefining marriage to be a bond between two people out of love, respect, and the desire to share a life, and not simply patriarchal ownership of women and heir creation. If gay people get married, there is no way to figure out who is the dominant partner by checking genitalia, and equality in marriage makes god cry.

  23. Actually, I’ve just read through all the other comments on this topic and all I can sya is, you people are all SICK!

    (Explanation: “SICK” is the new “BAD” over here in the UK…(fawn fawn))

    ” He’s just nested two sets of parentheses, is that legal?”

    “I don’t know, but it sure is SICK!”

    “Bwa ha HA HA HA HA…..

  24. @SaraDee:
    Personally I find it refreshing that you don’t enjoy sex either. As a woman it is good that you know your place and are in the process of making babies. I don’t know if we could handle true equality between partners in a marriage, how would you know who washes dishes and who lives a life of leisure?? Humans were created Man and Woman for a reason and “equality and justice are abomination in the eyes of the lord”. (Random misquoted out of context bible passage)

    Don’t let the order that has stood for 6000 years be upset by abomination like equality!!!

  25. “How is gay marriage hurting you, personally, right now?”

    I know that you guys will be surprised to hear this, but to be honest, the issue of “gay marriage” actually IS hurting me personally these days — you can hardly turn around without encountering some nauseating religious bonehead fulminating against it. Like the wise person said, “The stupid, it burns!”

    As for “gay marriage” itself, minus the twits who oppose it, I’m 100% for it.

  26. As a skeptic gay man who can’t even get a date, much less get gay-married, I say “Feh!” to all this and wonder instead about when I can legally claim my cute little 13 year old dog Miss Taffy as a dependent on my annual tax return and be able to deduct her medical expenses. It’s the real next frontier in the redefinition of the legally-recognized family unit.

  27. What you have all neglected to point out is the terrible effect that gay marriage has on the children. The children!

    Do we really want a generation of children tainted by the gay?


  28. As we all know gay marriage leads to marrying dogs and cats and other animals.

    Gay marriage made my wife and I divorce today so that I may marry all the dogs, cats, and animals I can. A beastial polygamist marriage…

    and we’ll live on a giant ass boat… I think I’ll call it an ark…

    oh, and I get to be their spiritual leader.

    on another note… not quite marriage related. Lesbian marriage is ruining porn. Now all the lesbian porn looks like it could be a respectable married couple. This makes it not at all dirty or unseemly… and what fun is that?!

  29. Gay marriage hurts me by legitimising my once sinful and evil lifestyle. *sigh* I guess I’ll go learn about freebase cocaine or spit on some old people or something.

  30. Gay marriage sucks. I was planning to date Miss California but, thanks to gay marriage, I have come to know that she’s brainless, so I’ve had to give up the most wonderful girl EVER. As a result, no marriage and no children, resulting in a net 5,133,054 unborn children’s loss, all of which have gone directly to Heaven’s unemployment lists. Gay marriage is as much of a disaster as failing to bail out General Motors.

    BTW, there’s no way I am marrying Perez Hilton. Screw civil rights. As Miss California said, it’s not about being “biblically correct”.

    The kind of “biblical correction” whereby you try to win a Miss USA contest :-D

  31. teh gayz strike again! as I was searching for bus change, I just found a slew of American change in my jar – change which will not fit in the coin slot thereby rendering it useless to me! I blame this inconvenience on gay marriage. Since gay marriage is legal in Canada, gay people have been coming in droves to my city to marry, and this has caused an influx of American money which has sullied my change jar, and most likely causing me to be unable to buy candy or bus fare, thus eventually killing me.

  32. If I’ve learned anything from modern-day philosphers and statesmen Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell, I know that gays exert considerable control over the weather and natural disasters. Won’t allowing them to marry concentrate their populations more and completely throw off what little protection we have now? We need to find the proper distribution of gays for use as a firewall against these (appropriately termed) acts of God, and letting them pair up does nothing towards this end.

  33. 10 Reasons Why Gay Marriage Is “Wrong”

    1) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

    2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

    3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

    4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn’t changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can’t marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

    5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears’ 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

    6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn’t be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren’t full yet, and the world needs more children.

    7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

    8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country. That’s why we have only one religion in America.

    9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That’s why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

    10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven’t adapted to cars, the service-sector economy, or longer life spans.

    Author Unknown

  34. @jenea: Love your avatar. Is it E. coli?

    No one has kept the sanctity of marriage like Britney Spears. Where were all the fundies when she got married for only a few hours? Doesn’t that mock marriage more than 2 people who are in love and are committed and want to live their lives together?

  35. Gay marriage affects me because New Orleans has almost no economic activity that doesn’t involve tourism. One of the few things we could “produce” was a few blocks of “gay safe ” space and a few rockin’ gay or gay friendly festivals (Southern Decadence, Mardi Gras, Halloween in the French Quarter). If people get all acceptance-y in Iowa, why travel to NOLA?

  36. As we all know, this is a democracy. And in a democracy, majority rules. Since the gays are the minority (for now, at least, God willing) they are circumventing our natural rights, as given to us by our founding fathers. Liberals are always trying to do stuff like that.

  37. @Tressa:

    2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.

    Well that explains why I’m up to my armpits in short people. You all are trying to steal my height.

  38. “They let ’em vote. Let ’em run around in pants, then what? Ya got a DEMOCRAT for President!”

    — The “Old Man” in “Faster Pussycat Kill, Kill”

    I think we can all see that letting “them” vote and wear pants is what started this whole mess.

    Now they want to legally start smacking up on each other in the bonds of holy matrimony.

    Well…I’ve had ENOUGH.

    I’m moving to a country that fits MY christian moral standards about women and gays. Like Iraq, Afghanistan, Berserkistan, or BallKlampia (Inner AND Outer)…


  39. Well, yesterday I went to a wedding conducted by a lesbian minister. I was obligated to wear dress shoes that pinch my toes and give me blisters. So gay marriage makes my feet hurt.

  40. Gay marriage means that gay couples will pay less in state income taxes (and maybe someday federal). This will mean that the government will have to tax us straight couples more to make up the difference.

  41. “How is gay marriage hurting you, personally, right now?”

    How is gay marriage hurting me? How can you even ask such a question? I mean… really… GAYS!

    Don’t you know anything? Gays are accursed by GOD and all good men! Their very existence is a blight upon the world and a testament to the power of Satan to try and influence our lives. Why, gays practically ARE SIN. With the butt stuff and the handbags.

    How can you not know this?

    And for GAYS to get MARRIED! No. It’s just not right. It’s like a pot-bellied pig and an elephant trying to have sex to make a pot-bellied elephant.

    Gay marriage makes God cry.

  42. thundergod:

    Obviously you haven’t seen the ad campaign. If you allow same sex marriage I will have to marry another man and leave my wife.

    Another man? Hoe’d you get married to the first man? Was it a secret, illegal wedding? And does your wife know?

  43. Gay marriage hurts my brain. I’m certain all the “gay marriage”, “gay marriage”, “gay marriage” talk will lead someone to shorten it go “garriage”. This will again lead to a sort of post-facto spoonerism fad with “May garriages”. Not only will it be impossible to get married in May (and I mean get married, not garried), but eventually I won’t be able to go get my car without thinking about cocks.

  44. Canada has gay marriage, the US may become more like Canada. After a few years, it will be realized to be such a non issue it may not even come up at elections.

  45. “How is gay marriage hurting you, personally, right now?” 7 words: I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry. (Btw, gay marriage = gay divorce, and no one wants that.)

  46. Of course gay marriage will destroy heterosexual marriage. The institution of marriage is there to help suppress those terrible urges that everyone, everywhere has when they see attractive people of the same sex. The devil put those urges into us all to tempt us to sin, but being locked into a marriage helps us to avoid committing awful acts of gayness, no matter how much fun it looks. The devil is tricky!

    I am absolutely certain that these sorts of thoughts and urges are absolutely universal to all people, and that “gay people” are just people who were weak-willed enough to convince themselves that they’ve got a different, inborn proclivity. If they would only get married to an opposite-sex partner, they’d see how happy and fulfilled they would be.

    But now with gay marriage, there’s no way to hold back the inevitable flood of devil-urges. Mark my words: within 10 years, everyone in America will be gay married.


  47. I surrender. What’s COTW? C*ck Of The W#lk? Clam Of The Week? Corpse On The Backporch?
    A little help, people? Wikipedia’s choices seem a little out there, like the Call of The Wild and Composer Of The Weak, though Coalition Of The Willing is a little more like it.

  48. @GimmeAClue:

    Comment of the Week

    If you see a comment you like, click the arrow next to the comment number and type “COTW”

    The winner each week gets to ask the Afternoon Inquisition question on the following Wednesday!

  49. “If gay people get married, there is no way to figure out who is the dominant partner by checking genitalia, and equality in marriage makes god cry.”- SaraDee


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