Edited. Because humor is art and art is a work in progress. Or something.
She’s growing up too fast. What happened to the innocent Hannah Montana we all loved?
You terrify the small children in your life by threatening to confine them in enclosed spaces so they won’t grow up.
Leave poor Miley alone.
You live in a bubble that is, whether you know it or not, simultaneously the bane and the envy of your friends.
I thought it was hot, just like Hannah Montana was.
You are a washed-up local stand-up “comedian” open-mike-night regular who still thinks that “too old” is a funny joke.
ZOMG, ew, she was twerking onto some gross old guy’s junk!
You like to pretend that you don’t know who Robin Thicke is even though your hate-watching is why the Blurred Lines video has over 150 million views.
Stop slut-shaming Miley! She can dance however she wants to! Girl power!
In conversations about sexual objectification, you pointedly talk about how Playboy’s advent meant “sexual liberation for both genders.”
What’s a Miley Cyrus?
You like to tell people about your ignorance of pop culture so that they can confirm that you have good taste.
I don’t know who Miley Cyrus is but based on the way you all are reacting, she must’ve eaten a baby on stage last night, right?
You like to tell people about your ignorance of pop culture so that they can confirm that you have better taste than they do.
[noticeable radio silence on the entire matter]
You actually don’t know and/or don’t care who Miley Cyrus is. That, or you were too afraid to react because you were afraid you’d do it wrong and be subjected to the social justice wrath of your friends.
How come so many of you are talking about Miley Cyrus?! For shame!
You’re into giving humiliation but don’t want to get your arse down to your local dungeon.
How can you care about some washed-up child star when Irrelevant Issue continues to be A Thing?
Everyone, including you, will be much happier that inevitable day when your only remaining friends are people who care about the one thing you care about. Continue to hasten it, my hedgehog friend.
Since when does softcore porn set the standard for TV performances?
You’d never admit it aloud, but you think that women should cover up more. Not burqa-level, mind you, but could they leave something to the imagination?
Wait, MTV still plays music videos? I thought it was all trashy “reality” shows now?
You have strong opinions on how overpriced and overhyped something like, say, Monster cables, are.
I liked this better when it was called Britney Spears.
You feel jaded most of the time.
What’s the big deal? The VMAs are all about pushing the envelope. Madonna, amirite?
You are jaded.
*yawn* She isn’t even that racy. Just look at Jay-Z and Rihanna’s reactions. We’re only upset because she used to be Hannah Montana.
You both feel jaded and are aware there’s some racial component to all of this.
She’s just trolling. Stop paying attention to her and she’ll go away.
You think #SolidarityIsForWhiteWomen is mean-spirited and divisive.
That was supposed to be twerking? LOL. She’s not even that good at twerking.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus’s heart is pretty achy-breaky right now.
Arrested Development is your favorite show but not for the reasons that almost everyone else likes it.
The most offensive part of this is that both Thicke and Cyrus are famous only because they have famous parents.
You went apoplectic with rage when people cared about the Royal Wedding and the Royal Baby.
Eh, she’s been appropriating for a while now.
You’re well aware of the racial component to all this and are jaded.
Remember when black folks twerked and it was censored and white people had a National Outrage over it?
You’re well aware of the racial component to all this and aren’t that jaded (yet).
Stop slut-shaming her! There’s plenty of other things she did that were problematic.
You self-identify as a feminist but are, as an intersectional one, well-informed about the legit reasons why someone might reject the label.
[insert joke that somehow manages to talk about both Miley Cyrus and the Batflek]
You still think Girltalk is a brilliant, original innovator.
[insert meta-commentary about people’s reactions in lieu of a genuine reaction here]
You’re a smug asshole.