AI: Sex. Just sex. Really. Sex.
This is my last AI of the year, and while we all begged Rebecca to give us the week off so we could start drinking early, she said no, hiccuped and said, “Scheptichism ish moooor impotent hahahaha I shaid impotent. And scheptishizm izzzz mooor impOOOOOORRRRRtant tan drinshing.” Then Sid said something about Rebecca needing a nap and that they’d both like to wish us a happy new year. So… I guess I’m supposed to post this today. But I’m totally phoning it in.
Sex. Yeah sex. For some reason it’s one of those subjects that everyone thinks they’re an expert on, but few people actually are. And misinformation abounds. From the G-spot to hairy palms to DIY birth control, lies are possibly more commonplace than truths.
Facts: Women don’t actually feign headaches to routinely get out of sex. Women don’t actually hate sex. You’re not going to be ruined and unlovable if you have sex before you’re married. Your marriage isn’t going to be happier if you wait. Having an abortion won’t ruin your life. Condoms can and do fit over every penis, regardless of size. Sex elves are really Icelandic hobos. Making out with Skepchicks will make you smarter and better looking.
What information do you wish you had about sex back in the day? What information do you wish you had about sex now? What is your favorite/pet peeve lie about the deed? What do you wish everyone else knew?
The Afternoon Inquisition (or AI) is a question posed to you, the Skepchick community. Look for it to appear daily at 3pm ET.
How does one go about causing said making out to happen?
On condoms: One size doesn’t fit all, apparently.
The issue is serious because about one in every five times a condom is used in India it either falls off or tears, an extremely high failure rate.
I wish everyone could have access to clear, scientifically authoritative information about extremely common and extremely contagious viruses like Herpes Simplex B and the Human Papiloma Virus. Growing up and even into my sexually active years all I ever got, even from teachers, was myth, rumor and head-scratching. There’s a LOT of contradictory information being spread around.
Also knowing where one could get tested for what and for how much money.
My favorite lie about sex? But there are oh so many! That anal sex fans will become incontinent as a result is a big one. Condoms increasing the likelihood of HIV infection is double-speak on an Orwellian level.
But the biggest and baddest of them all is the source from whence most sex lies spring: that enjoying sex is a moral failing, that wanting sex is a poor reflection on character, and being honest about sex is in bad taste.
I wish skeptics used logic and forthrightness in sexual matters as much as they try to in other areas.
There are still prejudices against alt sexualities within the skeptic movement, but I am also aware that the movement is simply made up of people.
But still, what possible logical reason could one have against homosexuality, anal sex, polyamory, BDSM, and all of the good stuff? Fine if you are not into it, but how is being catty and judgmental about others logical?
Also, there seems to be a strong double standard about sexual activities of men versus women in the movement.
@heidiho: Sing it, sister! All that good stuff! It’s what makes life worth living! :-)
@MacarthurSoup: Awesome and eloquent!’
“But the biggest and baddest of them all is the source from whence most sex lies spring: that enjoying sex is a moral failing, that wanting sex is a poor reflection on character, and being honest about sex is in bad taste.”
Before continuing reading this comment, go back and read @MacarthurSoup. That’s some brilliant right there.
I think the thing I wish I’d known at a much younger age is how the sex part of relationships is the easy part. In high school and college I spent so much time thinking about that side that I really failed to develop a lot of the whole rest of the relationship skill set until my mid 20’s. As a society we’re so uptight about sex that people obsess over it yet paradoxically know so little about it.
1. Girls enjoy sex just as much as guys. I was taught just the opposite as a teen and it warped my fragile little mind for years. Face-palms all around.
2. I wish I knew how to get more of it (without paying, of course).
3. “Its okay, that happens to a lot of guys.”
4. You are not responsible for your partner’s orgasm.
@MacarthurSoup: Last paragraph, pure genius.
Elyse: Love the drunk Rebecca quotes. Awesome.
I will leave you with this: â€œSex is like eating ribs, itâ€™s only dirty when youâ€™re doing it right!â€
@Garrison22: 4. You are not responsible for your partnerâ€™s orgasm.
Well, that will speed things up considerably!
My big moment of clarity regarding sex was that I never had to have it again. I always viewed sex as an obligation (f’d up much?) even when I was a teenager and was supposed to be horny. I never really got the point. Now that I’ve freed myself of the obligation, I’ve never been happier!
Props to MacarthurSoup.
I guess the thing that I would go back and change / want others to know is if you have a partner who thinks you are too liberal, eager, interested, fearless, innovative, twisted? or (insert other judgments here), RUN!!!!!
Sexuality mismatches, especially ones that reveal themselves early in a relationship never self repair. Much better and less painful to recognize it as a core incompatibility early, and move along.
I wasted DECADES learning this lesson.
Where to start? If I had a time machine I’d go to my younger self and smack him on the head and tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself. Then, I’d point out that he/me needs to be the one to make the first move and don’t take rejection so damn personally. Knowing myself, this is the only way I would’ve been convinced back then.
Some things I’ve learned about myself in these past few years include the fact that I had a number of friends who would’ve given me a chance if I just acted on it.
Also, I’d recommend non-latex condoms. Allergic reactions and sex don’t mix.
Things I wish I’d learned earlier? That a running leap into the bed while yelling YAHOO! is not appreciated.
You get a COTW just for making me giggle at that…
@MacarthurSoup: COTW. Can’t think of much to add except the lie/notion that people married for a long time can not possibly still be having a fun ongoing sexual relationship.
@davew: Well played, sir. Well played. I was, however, being serious. A bit.
IMHO, the best blog on sex and sexuality:
I wish I could go back to my 19-year-old self to tell her that, no, just because he wants it, it doesn’t mean I have to do it. I had an abusive asshole ex that used to say, “You should do ~insert something kinky that I REALLY do not feel comfortable doing~ to make me happy! I do ~insert something mundane like oral sex~ to make you happy! I won’t go down on you any longer if you don’t do ~insert this thing I really don’t want to do~.” He used to make me feel guilty in other ways too.
Hey, 19 year old self! If youâ€™re being made to feel guilty for not doing something that makes you uncomfortable, itâ€™s an abusive relationship. GO! RUN! NOW!
I supsect I’m not the only woman/teen girl to experience this, and I’m sure some younger men/boys have too. This whole ~You must do this or I’ll make you feel guilty~ thing. Ugh.
Thank you Elyse for this post. I was one of the fortunate – my Mom was single from the time I was 18 months old and sex was just always a conversation in our home, and nothing was off-limits. And guess what guys – some women LOVE sex! And another thing guys need to get over – if a girl likes to play with sex toys – it doesn’t mean you’re not good enough or she doesn’t like your penis – we just like different things sometimes and if you participate, it makes it even more fun!!
Oh and if you’re uncomfortable with your partner having a large number of sex partners – then don’t ask the question!
Oh, and one more thing, wives may be much more interested in having sex if they’re not carrying the burden of all the cleaning and child caring in the house. You’d be surprised to see how sexy she can be when she’s come home to find that you have done laundry and cleaned a bit!!
That all men always want sex. Because this leads to the corollary that if you are a woman with a man who happens to not want sex at any given moment then you as a woman are a failure. I still can’t get my brain past this one sometimes.
“Girls can get laid anytime they want but guys have to work at it.”
As a formerly single ugly-person-in-Los-Angeles (meaning non-model with real boobs and not a size 0) who didn’t enjoy shrieking like a howler monkey every time some douchebag in a bar flashed his Porsche keys, and therefore tended to go home alone, I’d like to say “fuck you” to every male who ever said that to me.
Two words: Frenulum Breve.
Let me paint you a picture.
You’re a thousand miles from home, in a strange city, in your new girlfriend’s parents’s house. It is in the middle of the night, the first night there.
Blood is gushing out from your penis.
Protip: being eager sometimes hurts, especially if you have Frenulum Breve.
I registered just to say that.
I assumed that was a typo or you misstated yourself.
Now I need to know… what? huh? The world is not full of people under some delusion that they are responsible for their partner’s orgasm. And you know, that’s a damn shame.
Oh… but see, now you admit that it’s true. You just chose to be picky! ;)
@Elyse: Even if I were into that type of activity, the size 0 siliconed howler monkeys were always out in force. Not a tribe with which I could compete.
(Again, just talking about the “girls can get laid whenever they want” stereotype. Not saying I wasn’t able to meet good guys, or eventually marry the best of them.)
It is a very bad idea to go browsing in a sex shop with your younger sister. Then hearing her ask the clerk about a cock ring with clitoral stimulation. My little sister! She used to sleep on Strawberry Shortcake sheets! Yeah, now she’s married, but still. My little sister! It’s much more fun to go with SO.
Oh, and one myth that I would like to see dispelled is that all women hate porn and find it degrading. Some is awful and degrading, but some is fun (the companies run by women tend to be a bit more female-friendly). Some of us like to view it with our partners once in a while too, and not just the “romance” story line stuff.
Some women even think the story lines are annoying and distracting! It’s true!
That religion has for centuries cast such a pall over sex that it is often seen as a taboo topic even by the non-religious.
I wish I’d learned earlier how to be more relaxed around women I like. Then I might have had a love life in college.
if you just want it “fast and dirty” it’s ok. Romances and roses and candlelight is alright, but you know…sometimes a girls gotta have what a girls gotta have. Men understand this, women worry men will think they are unnatural if they just want a “quicky” every now and again.
That girls don’t break. Not even the small ones.
Yes they can, but comfortably? That’s a big consideration when it comes to SEX.
My own admittedly biased and personal answer is that all condoms do not fit me comfortably.
According to Science Daily, I’m not alone on this: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/09/070914191108.htm
Points? Counterpoints? I’m curious about where you got that fact.
A condom can stretch at least two feet and fit over a person’s head. If your penis is bigger than that, I agree, comfort is a major issue… but it’s not yours I’m concerned about.
Here’s something that bothers me, the idea that the sex in question was pointless unless both partners orgasmed. There have been times when I haven’t orgasmed or when my partner hasn’t, but it was still an enjoyable experience. Not to mention that when you truly care for your partner, his or her pleasure can be all the reason you need.
@elyse I tend to do exactly that demonstration for friends who complain condoms don’t fit them. I literally put one on like a hat. It usually shuts them up.
As a transgender guy there’s an ENORMOUS amount of misinformation about transexualas and gender identity in the culture. The very phrase “sex change surgery” is fraught with misunderstandings (transition is NOT simply a surgery).
In the BDSM/fetish world there’s a whole host of nonsense beliefs that I find I just have to ignore most of the time. Those who are in the scene will know some of what I mean.
I wish somehow tell that teenager I once was that enthusiasm and confidence matter so much more in a partner than body shape and shiny hair.
@Elyse: No, I realize that, but personally the process of stretching a normal sized condom to fit can be less than enjoyable. To the point where it can cause….I’ll be discrete and say difficulties.
However, if in fact I am in some way putting myself and my partner at greater risk by using a slightly larger condom, I would like to know.
Just from me and my point of view. Sex is best when it is fun, I had the best sex when I have had it with someone who is having as much fun as me and likes to talk about it while we are engaged in sex. A woman who is asking me if I like whatever it is that we are doing and telling me what she would like to do next or asking what I want to do next. Lights on, both of us naked or mostly so, both of us happy to be there, happy to be with each other, happy to be having sex. The pure joyous fullfilment that sex can be. I love to see my cock sliding in and out of a wet pussy, an eager mouth or a willing ass, I love to hear a woman groan when I am licking her. I love it when I make my partner happy. I love it when they orgasm. I feel so happy when we are having fun together.
I would go back and tell younger me to find some new sports and stuff when I finished high school so I wouldn’t rapidly double in weight leaving me with poor (deservedly so) self image leading to poor self confidence which when combined with my already meagre poor social skills leave me with no chance of finding companionship which in turn would prevent me from still being sexless
I just wish I had a whole lot more. I wish I’d just made out alot more, too.
Oh shit! Why bemoan lack of information without spreading some good around!
Ken Dahl’s Monster http://www.iknowjoekimpel.com/Ken-Dahl.php
is a fantastic comic about his learning to cope with having Herpes (and spreading it to others, unwittingly and wittingly). It’s full of facts and is a great transformation story. Autobiographical comics with a purpose are the good ones.
I wish I had known that behind closed doors most people are total sex pervs. Having been raised Catholic and Methodist I was under the impression that anyone who was open about sex was a deviant misfit. Turns out that the deviant misfits are all repressed Catholics and Methodists :-) :-). I would have been a whole lot less self-conscious about being a total sex perv had a figured this out sooner. Having arrived at middle age (mid 40’s), I only have a few years to whore around like I should have been in my 20’s before my poor little dick goes limp on me. Hugh Hefner – you are my hero (a recovered Methodist, btw).
I wish I had known that with good hygiene and a modest clothes budget I am (or was then) actually fairly good looking.
CanadaLes: I once found myself wandering through a sex-shop in Amsterdam with:
both my older sisters
my mother, and
my mother’s elderly female travelling companion.
Frankly, with those memories in my head it’s a wonder I’ve ever been able to maintain an erection since.
@revmatty: Your comment pretty much sums up what I wanted to say. I’ll just add that I was reading about sex from the time I was 9 (big brother’s library which included sex-ed stuff as well as alternative literature), so I pretty much got answers to any questions I had about the mechanics. But I was scared to death of girls and never talked to any more than briefly until college.
I’ll just chime in to agree with those clarifying that penises come in many different sizes . . . the important thing to note is that companies now make condoms in just as many sizes, so there’s no longer any excuse for anyone to claim that a condom doesn’t fit them.
I’ll also note that many companies make safe featherweight condoms that may not feel like “nothing” but should feel good enough to stop any whining. Sex with a thin condom > no sex at all, I should think.
“That religion has for centuries cast such a pall over sex that it is often seen as a taboo topic even by the non-religious.”
One of the things I like so much about the western series “Deadwood” is how brutally honest they portray everything (or at least it appears to be realistic), including sex. Perhaps there were some puritan uber-religious settlers among them who spent more time in church than in their own homes, but there’s no way people only started caring about sex this much until the 60’s.
“I wish Iâ€™d learned earlier how to be more relaxed around women I like. Then I might have had a love life in college.”
I agree completely. And I’m still learning …
“A condom can stretch at least two feet and fit over a personâ€™s head. If your penis is bigger than that, I agree, comfort is a major issueâ€¦ but itâ€™s not yours Iâ€™m concerned about.”
Well hey, your vagina can fit around a baby’s head too, so clearly, a larger penis isn’t going to be uncomfortable. Or even hurt. At all. right?
There really are sizes to condoms. Many condom mishaps occur precisely because of the mistaken belief that when it comes to condoms, one size fits all.
Too large, and you may end up fishing it out of your lady’s cooch.
Too tight, and you spoil the mood while you’re trying in vain to unroll it properly (or worse, just leave it rolled half way down). Assuming you don’t tear or damage it in the process.
I’ve encountered both problems in the past.
Although I think the former is the more likely problem to occur.
Of course, the average condom is going to fit the average male penis without issue. And most guys are within the range of the average so as not to have a problem.
If a guy with a penis the size of an adult head wants to try, he’s going to have to give me 9 months of foreplay for my pelvis to widen and my cervix to dilate to help open things up for him… but really, I think I’d rather have sex with that guy via c-section.
This is true. But the fact that both of you have had a good time is not an excuse for leaving your partner high and dry. If a partner cannot orgasm, it’s certainly not a reason to not have sex at all, but if your partner can, you both should be making a reasonable attempt to keep the numbers pretty even.
I wish I would have known… that not all trans women are glamorous entertainers, showgirls, slim and svelte, and always attracted to men
That a teenage “boy” can be thickset, nerdy, asexual, and still be a transsexual/intersexed girl. That doing the “boy act” for 40 years was not necessary, that there was an alternative to pretending to be male just because I looked that way. Mostly.
And I wish today that we knew more about the kind of Intersex conditions that can lead someone to be diagnosed as a case of “undervirilised fertile male syndrome (PAIS-1)” at age 27, and a “severely androgenised non-pregnant woman” after she finally gets a long-delayed puberty 20 years later.
My pet peeve? Um….. That I don’t have the time.
What I wish everyone knew? That Intersex conditions exist, some quite spectacular. And that some can cause an apparent natural sex change (usually via 5ARD or 17BHDD).
I wish I could learn to get sex! Curse all you people and your girlfriends / boyfriends / wives / husbands!
*seriously needs to find some hot atheist chick*
@Elyse: What I was getting at, and it wasn’t a typo, was the impression that many men have (especially young men) that they are responsible for their partner achieving an orgasm. Men are often taught early on that if they don’t do a “perfect” job in the bedroom and their partner is not screaming and hanging from the light fixtures after sex then we are failures. Or at least that’s how I read it when I was younger. For women, I would speculate, there is a similar assumption that if you cannot make a guy cum in less than 5 minutes you are somhow unworthy. I cry shenanigans.
I say, you are NOT responsible for your partner achieving an orgasm. What I mean by that is not that you shouldn’t give it your best shot, but that you shouldn’t think of yourself as a failure because the earth didn’t move for her/him. For example, if I have sex with a woman and she doesn’t achieve orgasm, but I do, I shouldn’t feel like a failure if she decides to “work it out” herself in some way (tho I’m more than willing to help). Heck, I’d even settle for mutual masturbation. Don’t knock it till you try it.
Of course, I could just be talking out of my ass. It wouldn’t be the first time.
@kd9280: You and me both, my friend. Not the learning part, but finding a hot atheist chick part.
@Garrison22: There are a lot of men who don’t even know HOW to help a woman a long to orgasm. Trust me, I’ve been with them. They think about themselves and only themselves. Most men who think that a woman must be screaming and hanging from the light fixtures probably have no idea how to bring a woman to orgasm. None.
You did get close with this, though. Essentially, there should be mutual enjoyment. That doesn’t *always* have to result in an orgasm, but if a woman wants to have one, she should, and the man shouldn’t have one, then go, “Okay now, I’m done!!” which is what many men do.
A woman should be able to, erm, help herself along, or know how to ask for oral sex, and the man should be more than willing to help her along too if she wants it, with his hands or oral sex, or even mutal masturbation as you said. And toys!
Does this make sense? I haven’t had my coffee yet. And of course this is just heterosexual sex I’m talking about.
@marilove: Makes sense. I am adding it to the ‘stuff I should know before cessation of virginity’ subfolder in my brain.
“[…] the man shouldnâ€™t have one, then go, â€œOkay now, Iâ€™m done!!â€ which is what many men do.”
Funniest thing is finding out you’re both trying really hard not to come yet as you’re both waiting for each other to orgasm. Makes for a great finish though …
And of course, a girl needs to be able to have an orgasm if she’s ever going to have multiple orgasms.
@exarch: It’s a huge myth that all women can have multiple orgasms, especially considering how many women haven’t ever even had one. Some women can, sure, but not all women can.
I love sex and I’m awesome at it, but I can’t usually have multiple orgasms, because that second orgasm isn’t *nearly* as easy as the first and not always worth the effort. But of course it does depend. And every women is different.
For me, orgasm isn’t always easy to attain. And sometimes that’s fine. And I know how to finish the job if needed. Thankfully my current boy has some mad oral sex skills. This always helps. :P
@marilove: Okay, I was a bit hyperbolic with the light fixture thing, but I think you got my drift.
Yes, many men are clueless about how a woman achieves orgasm, but is it necessarily always the fault of the men?
You have to admit, it’s relatively easy to get a man off, so to speak, tho good technique is always appreciated. But, when it comes to women, we men are often grasping at straws (although it is pretty cool when you find out). Then there is the whole “faking it” thing. Can’t say I’ve ever done that.
What I’m getting at is that for a man the first time with a woman can be difficult, because he doesn’t know what will get her off. It’s not always him being selfish.
Like you said, communication is the key. Let us know what you like and don’t like. Whenever a woman has communicated these things to me it’s been a much more pleasurable experience for both of us.
Yes, @marilove is correct. Most women (who have had an orgasm in the first place) have a refractory period just like a man. Many times it’s far too sensitive down there to usually even attempt a second.
That guys think about sex all the time. They don’t. They think about sports and making money and cars and many other things.
That two people in love will always have great sex. Wrong! No matter how much you love them, that doesn’t make them a great lover. That takes time, practice, and a willingness to learn. And even then, you may end up being totally incompatible.
It’s always best to roll down the backseat car window so you don’t risk kicking it out.
@Garrison22: Ah, but see, many women don’t know how to talk about sex, and it’s no fault of theirs: They are taught from an early age that they shouldn’t. It’s very, very difficult for many women to talk about sex. Unlike most men, women are taught that they shouldn’t enjoy sex, that if they enjoy sex they are a slut, etc. It’s normal for men to enjoy sex. For many women, it’s not seen as normal. And many men don’t help with this, either: They also assume women don’t like sex, or don’t like it as much. WRONG!
Just as she should communicate, so should he. He should ask, “What feels good to you? What will help?” Not just shrug and wait for her to ask. Because many women don’t know how to bring it up. Break the ice, ask her, then it’ll be easier. Don’t just assume — like MANY men do — that she’ll bring it up if she wants to.
IDK, I’ve had a lot of sex, and thankfully I’m pretty vocal about what I like and want, but many, many, many men just have no idea, and don’t make any effort to learn or ask.
And it is selfish: “I’m going to get myself off but then not even consider the woman by asking her if things are going well for her.”
DO NOT assume that your partner is going to bring something up (and this goes for everyone). Ask!
Re: sex shops in Amsterdam with assorted family–you win! I think a sex shop in Edmonton isn’t quite in the same league!
Re: “plot lines” in porn are quite irritating in most cases. The acting can be quite hilarious though, if you’re in a laughing mood. Oh, a related myth is that all guys like porn. I married one that doesn’t (really). That was honestly a big surprise.
However, we both like toys, and fantasy, and lots of other stuff, and real sex is much better than video sex any day of the week! We are also a lucky combination in that neither of us has a refractory period where we are unable to do it and orgasm immediately a second time (and rarely third). Yay!
@marilove: Good point. I’m a big proponent of asking questions in the bedroom. For both parties.
I was kinda playing devil’s advocate here to draw out a woman’s opinion. Thanks! :-)
You didn’t think at Skepchick you were going to get off that easy, did you?
(PS thanks to everyone who let this thread get to 60+ comments before throwing in a juvenile pun)
“Itâ€™s a huge myth that all women can have multiple orgasms, especially considering how many women havenâ€™t ever even had one. Some women can, sure, but not all women can.”
I know that. I didn’t feel like I had to spell that out any more. But since we’re talking about sex myths, I suppose it’s a good one.
Although I know of no woman who’s ever had multiple orgasms without having had one orgasm fisrst, ’cause, you know, basic mathematics states that 2 is 1 + 1, and 3 is 1 + 1 + 1, and so on …
Now reread what I wrote with that knowledge in mind.
(Sam’s right, if you need to explain the joke, it doesn’t go in the act)
@CanadaLes: This is why I only really watch Gonzo porn. It’s basically the dirty-dirty and doesn’t even bother with plot lines (which ruin it for me because I spend the entire time LOLing).
@Garrison22: I just think that many (but not all, of course) men think that getting off is just as easy it is for women as it is for men, but it generally isn’t. Also, worse, they will assume that women just aren’t as interested in getting off as men are. So they just fuck, cum, and then they are done, and think it’s hunky-dorey.
Why do you think some women fake it?? It’s not a personal attack against the man, though most men assume it is: It’s likely because the man isn’t really making much of an effort with the woman, and isn’t asking what the woman likes or wants, and the woman probably has no idea how to bring it up either. Also, of course, is the fact that many women, when they can’t finish, don’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, and since they don’t feel comfortable bringing up, they just fake it.
If you suspect a woman is faking it, then ask her what she likes and what you can do. Don’t take it personally. She’s probably just uncomfortable and trying not to hurt your feelings.
A good myth that’s seeped in racism: All black men have huge penises. All Asian men are small and have little penises.
Having slept with a rainbow of men, this is not true. I have slept with small-penised black men, and an old friend-with-benefits of mine is Chinese, and has a rather large penis. He was also nearly 6 feet tall. And â€œmade in Taiwan!â€ (He was born in Taiwan, and it always cracked me up when he said that.)
Weirdly, many small skinny guys have big penises.
My friend noticed this, too. I… I mean she… wonders if this is an optical illusion based on scale?
@Elyse: I think they just tend to have big penises! I actually tend to be attracted to bigger guys*, but weirdly have dated mostly smaller, skinny men, and it’s the skinny men that have huge penises, and I don’t think it’s just an optical illusion. I’ve had plenty of experience, so I think I can safely say that small, skinny men do tend to have large penises. What would be a good sample size? Because I’ve probably surpassed it lol.
Though I do wonder how big Shaq’s penis is…I bet it’s huge!
*Think Angel on Dexter (I heart him), or Jason Segel. Big and cuddly. Also, Hugh Jackman when he’s all beefed up, with a furry chest. RaWr.
I wish I had known about asexuality. It would have saved me a lot of confusion during my teenage years. I wish I had known about diverse sexual identities. I just assumed I was straight and I assumed that everything would “kick in” at some point.
When all my friends starting going boy crazy, I was just getting increasingly bewildered. I assumed that since I wasn’t like them, I must by default like girls. But that didn’t work either.
I was in my mid 20s when I found out that asexuality exists and that other perfectly normal and content people aren’t attracted to anyone. It was an amazing feeling, to realize that I wasn’t alone. I just wish that I had figured it out earlier.
@Elyse: Spank you. Spank you very much! ;-)
@marilove: I would say this is related to porn
Asian porn tends to select undersized stars, probably to provide a confidence boost to the viewer
I assume somehow related to americas past black stars a generally chosen for their size, and this has propagated from the self created stereotype
@murdats: It’s probably part of it! Also of course is the racist myth that black men are sexual monsters, which is part of the big-penis myth as well.
*is learning a lot – now needs to find a way to put the knowledge into practice*
i kinda wish i had known….
grrls like it as much as guyz! took almost 50 years for me to learn that.
(no comment on size)
@marilove: I am intrigued by this “Gonzo” porn. Where do you find this? Specifically, where do you find it for free? What does the genre include?
@OneHandClapping: It’s actually likely the most common porn right now on the internet. It can include any genre, from normal hetero, to lesbian, to BSDM. It’s basically just the sex with very little to no plot.
Most of the free clips you see online are probably gonzo, especially the “amateur” stuff.
Indeed, I ordered some stuff from adamandeve.com and included were some free porn DVDs, and at least one had an actual plot… I was confused, because I hadn’t seen porn with a plot in a long time, since most of my porn I get free online, lol.
Twilightsex.com is the only thing that I can recall right off hand (Iâ€™m at work so I canâ€™t really investigate), but nearly all of their porn clips are gonzo.
Also, Kink.com is a BDSM site (not my bag, but one of the girls that is a regular there is hawt, soooo — she’s a redhead and I wish I could remember her name), and Iâ€™d consider that gonzo (BSDM gonzo).
Oooh, and to simplify: Gonzo porn is hardcore, generally full of closeups, and likely doesn’t have a plot.
Also um, yeah, I watch a lot of porn. We had the internet when I was 14 (and before that, I BBSed), and of course there was always IRC. What can I say? Porn is awesome!
@marilove: Agreed. And thank you for the info/sites. When you get home and find some more linkies, if you find the time, I’d be obliged if you would share them. It’s so hard to find good porn, and even harder to find good porn sites!
I wish there were a reliable, repeatable technique for discovering whether I am sexually compatible with someone without involving a long-term sexual realtionship with them.
Communication? No, because if there’s one thing people lie about, it’s sex. If one or both are virgins, it’s a discussion based in ignorance, which has little value.
Sexual incompatibility is, IMHO, part of the cause of the current divorce rate. Getting along well with someone outside of the bedroom is no guarantee that you will get along in the bedroom, especially in the long term. This is especially true as a couple changes over time, physically, emotionally, philosophically, etc.
What say you?
I have a moral question to pose to the group. My wife is disabled with severe mental health problems, can’t work, and seldom leaves the house. She is germa-phobic (OCD) which along with other factors puts a real damper on our sex life. Instead of having a husband-wife relationship it has degenerated into more of a caretaker type relationship. She is a good friend in a lot of ways, but can’t seem to handle any stress, so I avoid the subject of my disatisfaction with our sex life altogether.
Would it be wrong to seek out a mistress with whom I am more sexually compatible? I was told be a female therapist that she rarely recommends it, but given the unusual circumstance that in my case it would be okay. I am curious what people think about that (especially the women here)?
BTW, full disclosure, maybe it is because I am so self-conscious, but I am one of those guys who actually worries about whether or not my sexual partner is satisfied. A women getting off is so sexy. And besides the moral wisdom of this is right there in the “Golden Rule” – DO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO YOU!!
Marilove – you are my hero. I am putting you in my Hall of Fame for the Sexually Liberated alongside Hugh Hefner.
BCT (recovering Methodist)
@marilove: The black man as sex monster was part of the white supremacist bag of tricks going back to at least the 19th century, so that KKK guy could be seen as protecting the honor of good white women when they did nasty things like murder and arson.
@Billy Clyde Tuggle: Depends on what the rules are in your relationship and what value you place on the relationship. Seems a completely circumstantial situation to me, so if your wife is fine with you having an extramarital affair I say go for it, if she isnâ€™t then be prepared for any and all possibly outcomes, costs, guilt, conflicts loss of friends, and lawyers.
@Billy Clyde Tuggle: This is a touchy, touchy situation, and something only you and her can decide. I do know someone who is in a relationship very similar to yours. She chose not to disclose her outside relationships, because her live-in partner is really too far gone to understand.
That said, this is something only you can decide. I do think it’s important that you talk to her, and she what she says. There HAS to be some resources online that you can look for, and perhaps share with her as well — I seriously doubt that you are the only one to have ever gone through this. Try some google sluething in regards to husband-gone-caretaker and whatnot. You might also want to get some information on open and poly relationships to share with her. And of course always make sure to let her know how much you care for her during this process. It’s not going to be easy on her (or you).
But yes, as James Fox says, be prepared: It’s not going to easy, especially if you decide to do it on the sly. Indeed, I think if you do decide to do it on the sly, it’ll be really, really hard on you (not to mention her if she finds out).
Also, I wouldn’t call it an “extramarital affair” if she’s okay with it. That implies sneaking around. MANY open and poly relationships work very well.
Oh, and PS! It might also help to get a therapist involved, either the one you currently have or another one, who has some knowledge on this. An outside, unbiased person to help the both of you.
@James Fox: Yep! that’s what I was referring to in not so many terms.
It seems REALLY prevalent in porn — lots of interracial porn that is highly racist.
If you say no to communication, you’ll never know if you are sexually compatible with someone. There is no other way and there never will be.
Communication is key! Itâ€™s also a good idea to listen and pay attention to your partner â€“ does she make a sigh when you do that, or bite her lip when you do this? Probably a good indication that she likes it. If you notice that, ask! â€œDo you like this? Do you want me to do something different?â€
I also donâ€™t think it’s so much â€œlying about sexâ€ as it is just being embarrassed, or unsure, or just not knowing. This is especially true of women.
That’s why you need to couple communication with exploring, and trial and error.
Ask questions. Get books or go online and look stuff up. Watch your partner. Tell her what you like. Etc.
I also think the biggest thing we need to do as a society is shatter all the myths about sex, and to get rid of the stigma and shame of sex, especially when it comes to female sexuality. Communication would be SO MUCH EASIER if there were no stigma and shame!
Oh and hey, I have a great toy gift idea that’s affordable and awesome. I ended up getting this for myself because I was curious and the price was right.
It is seriously the best toy I have ever owned in my entire life.
It is amazing.
I can’t link to it ‘cuz I’m at work, but you should be able to find it at Adamandeve.com and probably for cheaper on Amazon:
Adam and Eve CyberGlass Four-Way
Or some such.
Anyway I am not big on toys, but this thing is amazing. And $16 on amazon!
First thing I would’ve liked to have known before I embarked on a sexual career was “She is still married.” That little datum would’ve saved me a chase through Mobile, Alabama.
@ Marilove and James Fox:
Thanks for your inputs. I think you both have reinforced what I already suspected in terms of making this decision. On open arrangement would be best (I don’t like deceit in a relationship), but I don’t know how should would handle that. It is a real conundrum and as you point out, Marilove, nobody can decide this for me as that would be an abdication of responsibility.
Thanks again for your candor.
@ Marilove and James Fox:
On the black vs. white penis thing, I seem to recall reading somewhere that part of this myth about size difference may be due to the fact men of African descent are larger in the flaccid state versus caucasian when who shrink more in the flaccid state (to minimize heat loss in the colder northern latitudes). If this is true it would tend to give men of African descent an edge in the locker room which would reinforce in the minds of their smaller flaccid caucasian counterparts that they were larger when erect. I have no idea if this is true or not. It would be interesting to see the raw statistical data (flaccid mean, erect mean, flaccid standard deviation, erect standard deviation). No doubt the porn industry is recruiting guys in the 90th percentile and up.
@Billy Clyde Tuggle: If this is true it would tend to give men of African descent an edge in the locker room which would reinforce in the minds of their smaller flaccid caucasian counterparts that they were larger when erect.
This is why I always maintain an erection in locker rooms. I’m competitive by nature.
@davew: Oooooooohh, total COTW material right there. OMG that was 100% win.
LOL. You have my vote for COTW.
Of course that strategy could lead to an “arms race” of sorts which when taken to the extreme could send the wrong message to the unititiated (i.e. a locker room full of naked guys with woodies).
@davew: Holy crap, that is COTW! Assist to @Billy Clyde Tuggle: for the imagery. Ack! I just spit milk out my nose! “Arms race”, indeed.
@Billy Clyde Tuggle Dan Savage talks a lot about situations like yours, and I recommend his podcast and written column as you are making your decision about this. In short I suspect he’d tell you to discuss it with your wife if you can, and to remember that she does not “have the right to take your sexuality hostage” (his words).
@davew COTW for sure!
“Sexual incompatibility is, IMHO, part of the cause of the current divorce rate. Getting along well with someone outside of the bedroom is no guarantee that you will get along in the bedroom, especially in the long term.”
I also hate it when the opposite happens.
Finding a girl who’s great, who you get along with fabulously in the bedroom, but who you can’t see a long term relationship working out with.
At least it’s better than bad sex with a girl you don’t see a future with. Although in that case you don’t miss the sex that much …
What I wish I’d known: a) where to put my feet; b) how to get someone’s elbows off my then-long hair without killing the mood. [Hey, I was young, and the Victorian porn I read was all full of spending rather than positional advice.]
I credit Victorian porn, BTW, in counteracting my mother’s rather Puritan view towards sex; she was of the “close your eyes and think of the Empire” school of thought. All those people in The Pearl and other books were having so much damn fun, for Pete’s sake.
Somewhere in my youth, it was suggested that one try everything once, then try it again, to make sure one had done it correctly. This adage applies, IMX, to sex – tho’ I’d tweak it a bit and add “try it with someone else, in order to make sure it had been done correctly”.
Things I have learnt about sex: Generally, 19 year old boys have vigour, but no technique. Technique is better. If one decides to have a one-off with someone gorgeous-but-dim, do it at his/her house, so that one can leave when there’s nothing to talk about after. Even at the height of the “sexual revolution”, too many boys were labouring under the madonna/whore dichotomy; “slut” is still not the female equivalent of “stud”.
Modernly, all too many parents still aren’t teaching their children about sex/reproduction. The Offspring used to come home from middle school with questions posed by his friends that he wanted answers to; he was the Dan Savage of the 8th grade. [He also took a large bag of condoms to his senior prom and passed them out to attendees of both sexes.]
Also: IMX, identical twins are interesting in their similarities and differences. Even more amusing is sitting around with three other women who have boffed both of them and comparing notes. Who says geek grrls can’t have fun?
@Billy Clyde Tuggle: If your wife is suffering from a mental illness that includes periods of depression, I would suggest that talking to her about this issue may be counter-productive. Causing her to worry about an extra-marital partner alienating your affections would be both unkind and possibly send her into a downward spiral, You, obviously, know her psychological state, but I’d suggest discussing this with her therapist [may I assume she has one?] before bringing it up to her. If that isn’t possible, don’t hit her with Dan’s hostage sexuality guilt trip; he was addressing a situation in which neither party was mentally ill.
Another caveat: It is possible to enter into a rational, adult relationship with someone that one does not intend to have blossom into anything beyond friendly sexuality. However, emotions are not subject to logic. The Biophysicist & I, as “mature and rational adults”, fully intended to be each other’s occasional bit on the side. The result? A divorce [his], a liver transplant [hers], three disrupted kids [both of ours], a break-up [mine], and a 2057 mile move [his] . That was 17 years ago, and we don’t regret doing it, but we could have handled it better. Much better.
I just need to be smarter and better looking
I know it’s cliched, and sexist… but my observations are:
1. There is a direct connection from vagina to heart, for want of a better term.
2. To a first approximation, guys think about sex all the time.
I’m still getting used to the idea that I have a, if not normal exactly, close to it body now. And that having something like a normal love life is no longer an impossible dream, but a real possibility.
Hormonally, and emotionally, I’m closer to 16 than 51. I’ve just started being “sexually active” as my GP puts it.
It’s addictive, isn’t it? I can now understand, viscerally as well as intellectually, why so many women take insane risks with their lives just to make love with a partner they bond with.
Part of me would like to find “Mr Right”, however unlikely that might be. But I just don’t have time for it, it would wreck what little stability there is in my already Chaotic life.
Having had all sorts of glands removed, I now have some conscious control over my hormones. The monthly cycle I get from my peculiar adrenals is easy to overwhelm with a combination of implants, and oral medications taken when I feel the need.
I still have problems when a really sweet guy is within a metre though, and I can smell his fresh, male sweat. If he’s intelligent, and funny, and kind…. and with firm, muscular arms, chest hair (YUMMY!) and a boyish twinkle in his gaze… well, you know how I feel, if you’re over 13.
I’m still learning control, so a first kiss doesn’t soon become something rather more, er, involved. Any advice? Now the genitalia and everything else is right, my body knows what to do now, and it’s really difficult over-riding instincts that were dormant before.
How do other girls manage to deal with puberty in their teens? I’m having enough on in my early 50’s!
Huh… do women actually look for chest hair? Cause if so, I’m screwed. Damn Native American genetics giving me… well, practically nothing!
I seriously loled for real. I am still loling omg.
Having hooked up with a hot 19 year old on my 28th birthday (lol), I can say that that’s not always true! He had vigor (boy did he) AND technique! Also I think the chemistry was just right on, and some people are just naturally great at sex.
So that was a great birthday present, I must say. My ego was pumped for weeks after that one. He’s an army boy so no strings, woo.
Depends on the woman. Many women like it, but many more hate it. I know a lot of women who prefer smooth men. I for one, looove a good hairy chest. RaWr. That said, it doesn’t really matter. I mean, if you don’t have a harry chest I’m likely to just not notice, and you can still be hot without a hairy chest. But if you do have one, Rawwrrr, I shall notice!
I don’t mind back hair either. I mean it’s not a turn on, but it’s not a turn off. I never got the “EWW HAAAIR” thing. It’s just hair. I find it odd when women (and men) are turned *off* by *hair*.
Not for everyone.
Sex to me doesn’t equal love. I’ve had a lot of sex that had nothing to do with love. Being good in bed is not going to necessarily gain my love. you best be awesome outside of the sack, otherwise we’re destined to be fuck buddies and nothing more.
Of course, if you suck in bed, I’m likely to also not fall for you, even if I liked you before. I like sex. A lot.
2. I think about sex. A lot. Not all men do. I know men who really, really don’t think about sex all that often and who aren’t all that into it.
I know a man who won’t let his wife give him a blow job, because he finds it degrading.
Yeah, I don’t agree with that, but hey, it’s not my penis and I’m not dating him, so. :P
@marilove: Well, good. Then I have a chance. Although the fact remains that at 25 I still look like a twiggy 18-year old whiteboy who’s trying too hard to look older with a beard and moustache.
I got awesome genes in my family, my grandmothers both are in their 80s and could easily pass for 60. Mother and father both 50, look no more than 30. Unfortunately that also means that I don’t look as old as I am and regularly get passed over as a ‘kid.’ Even to people younger than I am.
“Itâ€™s addictive, isnâ€™t it? I can now understand, viscerally as well as intellectually, why so many women take insane risks with their lives just to make love with a partner they bond with.”
I am pretty sure that was hyperbole on your part, but I just felt the need as someone who has worked with domestic violence victims for 15 years to point out that “awesome sex” has rarely, if ever, been the cause of why women have stayed with abusers in my experience.
In fact, most of the victims I work with have reported bad to horrible sexual experiences with their partner.
Women stay for security, optimism, children, lack of other options, or fear of being hunted down and killed (or loved ones being killed).
Now if you were talking about sexually transmitted diseases as the risk, then yes, sexual attraction can cause us to make stupid decisions.
That is why I always assumed I was going to fuck the person, worked under that paradigm, and made plans.
If you are interested in reading more about my view on sex, and really, who isn’t, you can go here!
@heidiho: I suspect that Zoe Brain is referring to pick-ups, rather than DV. Ever seen Looking for Mr Goodbar? Modernly, it’s online-to-RL hookups that can be risky. But sometimes a grrl’s gotta have it. I survived my insane youth on luck alone.
Hell, every one of my flatmates was mugged at one time or another; I’d sashay home to 4AM unbothered. I credit the tough Finnish boots [think Doc Marten’s before they were popular]. As my friend David once commented, I looked like a demented pixie [think Abby on NCIS, but blonde] and that look was just scary back in the dark ages.
@kd9280: Don’t worry, there are freakishly young looking women out there who are sympathetic to your plight. My partner looked 18 when he was 25, too. And the jokes about me looking like a 12 year old may never stop.
They’ll stop when you start looking 13.
@ heidiho – And a romantic, happy ending too. Or happy beginning.
You’re a gal after my own heart, by the way. It’s the kind of thing I would have done, except my parents were English Middle Class, one of the few groups on the planet more uptight about sex than Southern Baptists. No kissing before marriage, for example… not on the mouth, anyway. “Making Out” was deemed the same as Intercourse…. though it wasn’t considered quite as bad if you were engaged, no worse than, say, bank robbery.
My attitude was more Heinleinesque – though I still reached 21 without ever having been kissed. Mainly because I was asexual, and by then had had various bits removed from my abdomen…. being Intersexed can really put a cramp on your social life as a teen.
I get fed up with having to talk about it though, I wish my silly medical issues didn’t keep on intruding into my life now.
Anyway, thanks for that link – I always was a sucker for a happy ending like that.
“And the jokes about me looking like a 12 year old may never stop.”
What you suggest is pretty much what my therapist has said. She felt it would be cruel to tell my wife about such matters given her fragile state. She also warned about possible affections that might develop unexpectedly should I pursue an outside partner. I like your idea about talking to her therapist. I have a good repoire with her psychiatrist (my wife granted permission for us to discuss her case).
Thanks for your input.
Mr. Billy Clyde Tuggle, I would just like to say that I cannot even imagine what challenges you are going through. I consider myself a pretty empathetic person (depsite my near terminal case of ass-hattery online) but I can’t fathom the struggles you face. I wish you luck, sir, if there is such a thing.
@marilove: Sent you a FB request…
@reximus: “Sexuality mismatches, especially ones that reveal themselves early in a relationship never self repair. Much better and less painful to recognize it as a core incompatibility early, and move along.”
And if they gradually reveal themselves over many years and one person in the relationship is so inhibited that conversation is impossible…Then what?
@OneHandClapping: Thanks for your supportive words. It is impressive to me how open, honest, and accepting people are here on Skepchick (so much for the theists argument that morality isn’t possible without moral absolutes handed down by a deity).
Anyway, I was instrumental in digging the hole I am in. I chose to ignore the red flags and forge ahead even though that little voice in my head was yelling “Danger Danger, Will Robinson”.
You must log in to post a comment.