I wanted to thank you all for the great fun. Today is my last day posting at Skepchick. It’s not that writing here hasn’t been fulfilling; indeed it has. And it’s not that I don’t love you guys immensely; indeed I do. And it’s not that what I feel for my fellow Skepchicks is less than true adoration and love; indeed it’s more.
My work here is finished because I have bigger and better things to move on to. My plans don’t take me on travels through Southwest Asia, Iceland, and London (unlike some of us). They take me somewhere far better. I have the audition of my lifetime today… it’s the biggest audition anyone’s had in the last 6,000 years, actually… well, maybe 2,000.
You see, today is the Rapture, and Christ will be choosing his bride. While I’m quite content in my current marriage, since today is the end of life as we know it, I thought I’d trade up. So I’m going for it! Don’t get me wrong, Brian is a great guy, and he makes really cute kids (one anyway)… but he works in advertising. He claims to perform miracles every day, but really, though we all think the Progressive chick is pretty hot, we don’t need to hear her say “tricked out nametag” 100 more times. Jesus, on the other hand… there’s like an entire book (or at least half of a book… or maybe like a third of a book) written about his miracles. And today, he’s the universe’s most eligible bachelor!
He has a kingdom you know… in the sky! For serious! The fucking sky!
I’m sorry that the rest of you probably won’t be invited to the wedding… while Jesus “loves” you and all, we’re only going to invite his closest, most dedicated friends. And you guys… well, you all upset him with all your doubting. Why you gotta be hatin’ on the King of the Jews, yo? (Really though, unless you really like fish, you’re not missing much.)[HECKLER IN THE BACK: The rapture is bullshit!]
Oh, right… yeah, I’m just kidding. I’m not leaving Skepchick to go marry Jesus today. This was just a piece of performance art… to teach you a lesson. Today is still the rapture and stuff.
No, it’s not even that.
Today is the day that some dude, claiming to have prophetic powers, concluded is the Rapture. And really, his logic is flawless (and by flawless I mean so riddled with flaws it’s hard to tell which ones belong to each other and which are new flaws… it’s like logic flaw meat slurry). He even uses math!
…if you use exactly 49 Jewish (360-day, prophetic) years from the day Israel captured the Temple Mount on June 7, 1967, you get 49 X 360 = 17640 days, which amazingly takes one exactly to September 23, 2015, The Day of Atonement 2015 and is the start of a new Jubilee year!
So the end of the world is 7 years before the Day of Atonement… which means the end of the world is September 23, 2008 which is… oh no! A year ago! Wait! We’re still here! WTF?
Oh, he can explain:
When the Mark Blitz released his information last spring, everyone thought that this was easy!Â If you subtract 7 years from 2015 that meant that the rapture would be on September 29th to 31st 2008 (Rosh Hashanah – The Feast of Trumpets) and the 7-year tribulation would start around Yum Kippur October 9, 2008. We were all dismayed when those dates came and went.Â However, if you look at the bible, the time period of the antichrist is the only time where an exact 7-Jewish Period of 2520 (7 x 360) days is given.Â For we read:
Daniel 9:27… And he shall confirm the covenant with many for one week: and in the midst of the week he shall cause the sacrifice and the oblation to cease, and for the overspreading of abominations he shall make [it] desolate, even until the consummation, and that determined shall be poured upon the desolate.
If we subtract 2520 days from September 23, 2015 we come to October 29, 2008.Â SEE CALCULATION In Revelation 8:1 it talks about a silence in heaven for 30 minutes, and in the scripture above in Daniel 9:27, it could be read: â€œhe shall reaffirm his campaign promises with his many followers for one weekâ€. SEE MORE HERE As you probably remember, Obamaâ€™s 30-minute info-commercial occurred on October 29, 2008!Â Never before in the worldâ€™s history has anyone given a 30-minute info-commercial â€œconfirming his campaign promises with many and that if he is elected he would change the worldâ€.Â What are the odds that this event occurs exactly 2520 days from September 23, 2015?Â Â Why 30 minutes?Â Why not 15 minutes?Â Could the 30-minute silence in heaven (which only occurs this one time in the bible) be referring to Obamaâ€™s 30-minute info-commercial?Â You see, nothing happens by chance!Â God controls history!
I love studying the laws of probability, in other words what are the odds of some event happening.
Which you see, totally clears this all up… right? Because for Mark Blitz (should I know who that is? because I totally don’t) it was ridiculously easy, but he was wrong… but now some other guy sitting on his couch with a bible, a calculator, a 365 Days of Paper Airplanes calendar, and a totally rational fear of Muslim Non-American Anti-Christ US Presidents figured it out. And, also, God got everyone to shut up so he could watch the My Name is Earl finale.
Really, the crazy goes on from there. The page explaining today’s world-ending event is just as long, rambling, and non-sensical as Time Cube. And for every paragraph written, he’s got a 10 minute YouTube video to go along with it… and at the bottom of the page he even gives you the option to READ MORE! I’m fairly certain that the Rapture might actually be people’s brains refusing to work anymore after being subjected to that site. There should be an OSHA for brains, and that guy should be fined.
The problem here is that the end of the world is predicted a lot, and every time, people are wrong. The proof is that, you know, the world is still here and stuff. One of my favorite end-of-world preditions was the Nuclear Baby which Rebecca covered December of last year after covering it 6 months earlier.
In fact, there were at least 15 failed prophecies in 2006, according to ReligousTolerance.org, the most famous being 06/06/06. And, you may remember that 09/09/09 was the inspiration for a Mexican plane hijacking because apparently the beast reads everything upside down.
And remember Heaven’s Gate? An entire religious group shedding their earthen vessels to meet their space god in his rocket ship comet?
This stuff happens all too often. Fortunately, they’re wrong. unfortunately, enough people believe it.
And you know what happens tomorrow? The September 21 guy won’t admit that he was wrong altogether and the idea was silly, he’ll go back and re-work the math… at least, that’s what I learned by watching the Simpsons… and reading this stupid Rapture predictions for so long.
As Kanye would say, “Hey, September 21, 2009, I’m real happy for your rapture thing, and Ima let you finish but December 21, 2012 is the one best end of world prophecies of all time! All time!”
(And a Happy Rapture Birthday to our beautiful and talented Skepchick Jill!)