- Emory has predicted this link will generate a COTW for sure:the holy foreskin.
- A couple people sent it the story about a ghost at Derby Hospital, and Trevor rounded up a couple of links on it – hospital administrators have called for an exorcism.
- Also from the UK: “Universities are increasingly turning their backs on homoeopathy and complementary medicine amid opposition from the scientific community to “pseudo-science†degrees.”
- Israel K Walker found the cure for all one’s ills: hexagonal water! A steal at $585, plus shipping and handling.
- Why can’t mules breed? (Thanks to Steve.)
- Overheard at the Natural History Museum.
The Water Vitalizer Plus is back! And this time it’s personal. It’s also about a hundred dollars more expensive than the last time I read about it.
Apparently the Water Vitalizer Plus can now be used to treat “female disorders”. Also, if you don’t type anything in the order form and accidentally press enter it says “Thanks, for your input, it will be processed immediately!” My guess is that they don’t sell enough of these to be able to afford a competent website programmer.
Only in the Catholic Church could a grown woman become obsessed with the penis of an eight day old baby to the point of picturing “the Lord’s foreskin on her tongue, thin as the membrane of an egg, and swallowed it with great sweetness ‘about a hundred times”.
On a related note, I am swearing off of the consumption of egg and egg-related products forever.
@evilspock:
The eggs go in the girl, not the foreskin. You’re still okay to eat eggs.
In an essay, De Praeputio Domini Nostri Jesu Christi Diatriba, he speculated “that the holy foreskin may have ascended into heaven at the same time as Jesus himself, and might have become the rings of Saturn.”
What, no mention of what happened to the holy toenail clippings, shed eyelashes and exfoliations?
At least the Water Vitalizer Plus have a disclaimer:
“This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease”
Wonder how many will still buy it?
A $600 water vortex toy! Excellent! A new low in “there’s a sucker born every minute”…
“While celebrating the Feast of the Circumcision (traditionally held on January 1), Agnes suddenly “felt the Lord’s foreskin on her tongue, thin as the membrane of an egg, and swallowed it with great sweetness ‘about a hundred times’.”
And thus begins the oral sex/protein myth…
@Steve: I’d think some of those became the Crab Nebula.
“Agnes suddenly “felt the Lord’s foreskin on her tongue,”
Isn’t that rape?
-or-
“Christ then revealed to her that his foreskin had been resurrected with him on Easter.”
…honestly, I got nothing. This is funny enough on its own. Perhaps throw your own ‘res-erection’ joke in there and we’ll call it good.
And me I’ve been drinking octagonal water all this time. No wonder my body is shit.
Why did god give his son a foreskin anyway just to be cut off? Makes no sense like everything else. Don’t circumcise!!
Oh God I am so grossed out right now! :(
“Because of this revelation, Blannbekin’s writings were banned by the church.”
Wait, I’m confused… last time a nun swallowed my foreskin hundreds of times, she was just relocated to a different parish.
So, a lady felt the Holy Foreskin on her tongue? Forget about the rings of Saturn: now we know how the Milky Way came to be!
So, God no longer has a monopoly on Living Water?
The Holy Prepuce raises the hair on the back of my neck.
“Blannbekin’s writings were banned by the church.”
Yeah well maybe if there had been more stories about swallowing foreskin I’d have stuck around the church.
Saturn perhaps but for sure the Holy foreskin wasn’t going to be any where near Uranus.
The ‘water vitalizer ‘people need to use a spell and grammar-checker, too. I found several obvious errors in their advertisement (besides the fact that it’s complete hooey, I mean). I may have to give up my tesseract “hypercubical” water, though. ;-)
Kudos to James Fox for the obligatory “Uranus” joke. :-D
It’s a good thing he didn’t live in a time where appendectomies and tonsillectomies were common. I can only imagine the theories that would swirl around that.
Hmm, here’s a topic to toss out at your next bridge game: Would Jesus vaccinate his kids? That ought to score a few facial tics.
@QuestionAuthority: It had to be done. There is no free will.
I want to meet the person who spends $600 d0llars on a blender and doesn’t realize its a fucking blender. Does the damn thing even make frozen margarittas?
On the mules beyond sterility aren’t all mules male?
Pretty sure mules can be either male or female. Almost always infertile, though. There was an incident in the 80s, though, where a mule was bred with her sire and produced 2 offspring.
@Gabrielbrawley: Male mules are Jack’s and female mules are Jenny’s.
(I could make a McCarthy joke but I’ll pass.)
Live and learn, thanks guys. Now, will the $600 blender make a margaritta or not?
No, just pentacoladas.
@Steve: Nice
The rings of Saturn!?!?! Holy Christ! If he was that big, it’s no wonder Jesus stayed celebate…
“It’s swell to have a stiffy / It’s divine to own a dick / From the tiniest little tadger to the world’s biggest prick.”
From now on I’m calling mine Saturn.
Wanna come back to my place and move the rings around my Saturn?
Water thing: “It adds… far-infrared (FIZR) energy from the sun.”
Really? We can get far infrared light through the earth’s atmosphere now? Someone tell the astronomers that we don’t need Spitzer anymore.
Whats funny is that I was looking up something even weirder when I found it, a low pressure differential hydropower turbine (non Bass-O-matic) http://www.treehugger.com/files/2007/06/gravitational_vortex_power.php
But I was just amazed by this thing. Turns out that “vortex spun water” is the cool new way to blow cash on unsubstantiated claims.
“I want to meet the person who spends $600 d0llars on a blender…”
Oddly enough, those Blendtec (“will it blend”) blenders list for $600. I’ve seen them “on sale” for as low as $300, though.
OK are you following me camera guy?
Watch as we add a little holy foreskin to the water and turn the Water Vitalizer Plus on. Now you can see it right there, a cross inside each of these blessed octagonal water molecules. So not only do you get better hydration, but even deeper purification all from one super product!
Now if you call right now, ’cause we can’t do this all day, we’ll throw in a sanctified shamwow all for three easy payments of $199.95.
Get Hydrated!
Get Purified!
Get Sanctified!
Get you and your loved ones a Water Vitalizer Plus right now!
From wikipedia:
Several female mules have produced offspring when mated with a purebred horse or donkey. Since 1527 there have been more than 60 documented cases of foals born to female mules around the world. There are no recorded cases of fertile mule stallions.[citation needed]
This brings up two points:
1) Mules do manage to have kids, just not often
2) The last two words show that, apparently, no one has told wikipedia that you can’t prove a negative.
@MathMike: Reminds me of the “relics” scene in Blackadder. (In case the indent doesn’t work, it starts at 6:17)
OK, I have a question for people, inspired by the holy foreskin thing – what are people’s thoughts on circumcision, both from the ‘we did it because it’s part of our social aesthetic convention’ and ‘we did for religious purposes’.
From my point of view, the former of those is entirely wrong, and tantamount to mutilation – a procedure done with no proven rigourous scientific benefits, held up entirely by unquestioning convention (which I think is largely frowned on here, right?). It’s something which used to be rare over here, but I think it’s spreading, and it does boil my blood (too much so to go into length and bore people with in this post!).
The second, for religious reasons, I’m reticent to touch too much, but if I’m honest about it essentially I think freedom of religious expression can only go so far, and that doesn’t include chopping off elements of other people’s genitalia, so in that sense we can’t give people special dispensation (pun intended) to do whatever they like to their kids…
But perhaps that’s just my uncut UK view…?
@Steve:
I’d like to know what happened to all the holy deuces.
I went out with a guy who was uncut and I prefer it. There is no reason why they need to cut it! Most of the reasons to cut it out are bullshit.
If the holy prepuce is the rings of Saturn, does that make the holy coprolite the asteroid belt?
And with more than one ring of Saturn, what does this say about Jesus’ anatomy?