The Beliefs are Flowing Like Wine

You know what folks? I don’t believe in anything. Not one goddamn thing!

At least that’s what the fine upstanding, highly moral, plastic, fall-in-line, self-righteous, piece-of-shit, religious jack wads I encounter keep telling me. Simply because I don’t look at the world the same way they do; simply because I don’t think exactly like them, they not only deem it necessary to tell me, but feel it is somehow philosophically brilliant to open their cake holes and say, “Well, what’s the point of living, if you don’t believe in anything?”

It makes me want to kick their fucking teeth out of their tiny, smug little heads.

By the way, I’m sorry, for my foul language. I hope Rebecca doesn’t fire me for cursing, but as affable as I am most times, I get frustrated with the swollen rivers of stupidity that flow from some people sometimes, and I just have to vent. Even though I count myself among the intellectually challenged of the world, every once in a while, even I need to rail against the morons out there.

The thing is — and I would think this isn’t a difficult concept to grasp, but I’ve been proven wrong many times — like most of you, I don’t take most things on faith. I don’t buy into something simply because all the breeders moving out to the ‘burbs do, or because a crusty old book and a long line of privileged assholes in robes say it’s so.

But I do believe in some things. I really do.

In fact, I’m going to start a list here of the things I believe. And this is just a start. I can’t think of them all right now, so I’m going to add to the list in the Comments each time something new occurs to me. I’ll show those jerks a thing or two about believing in things.

Let’s get started, shall we?

First and foremost, just to directly address those who inspired this post, I’ll say that I believe the band, Harvey Danger, was right when they sang, “Been around the world and found that only stupid people are breeding. The cretins cloning and feeding . . .”.

In that same vein, I also believe that the Refreshments were right when they sang, “Everybody knows that the world is full of stupid people. . . .”.

More generally speaking, however, I strongly believe that hyperbole and exaggeration help us relate ideas in fun and colorful ways.

I believe Jimi Hendrix was from another planet.

I believe there is an ever-fading line between genius and insanity.

I believe Larry King actually died 12 years ago.

I believe people who talk on their cell phones while driving should be horse whipped.

I believe U2, Drew Carey, and Howard Stern made a deal with the devil.

I believe parents should spank their children. And I believe parents should also spank each other.

I believe Dove chocolate contains crack.

I believe I would really enjoy giving Kent Hovind an atomic wedgie.

I believe all of the Three Stooges were pretty funny, except Curly Joe.

I believe gay people should have the right to fuck up their lives by getting married just like everyone else.

I believe an Intelligent Design course would be incredibly easy to pass.

I believe guys named Todd hate their name.

I believe gluttony is a good thing, taken in moderation.

I believe evolution is the most important scientific principle ever discovered.

To paraphrase Crash Davis, I believe in real breasts, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the movies of Quentin Tarantino are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe Al Qaida was responsible for 9/11. I believe there ought to be a constitutional amendment outlawing Astroturf and the designated hitter. I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.

I believe sadness is more prevalent in the world than we want to admit.

I believe in roller coasters and extra cheese on a pizza.

I don’t believe the sun will rise tomorrow morning, but I believe it will appear to rise.

I believe the universe is teeming with life.

I believe the person who first put bacon and jalapenos on a cheese burger should have a monumnet erected in his or her honor.

I believe March Madness is the single greatest sporting event in the history of mankind.

I believe humans have the potential to solve all the problems facing us, and the hubris to forget we might need to.

I believe summer afternoon rainstorms are uniquely beautiful.

I believe I can eat 50 eggs.

I believe my imaginary friend has an imaginary pet dog.

I believe we will cure cancer someday.

Like Steve Martin, I believe that most presidential candidates today can make this country what it once was — an arctic region covered with ice.

I believe robots are stealing my luggage.

I believe some DJs smoke weed during tests of the Emergency Alert System.

I believe Fred Phelps is pure evil.

I believe in the number 37, just because.

I believe art is what we hope to be remembered most for.

I believe Warren Zevon, Lenny Bruce, Martin Luther King Jr., and Janis Joplin died too young. And I believe Mother Teresa lived too fucking long.

And I believe I’ve rambled on long enough for now.

But I invite you all to share what you believe.

Let’s have an old-time, come-to-Skepchick, get-down outpouring of the word, brothers and sisters.

Testify!

What do you believe?