“They” say there’s no cure for the common cold, but I say they’re just not looking hard enough. At one time, I bought into the idea that I just had to wait out the sniffling and coughing, but it occurred to me today that it must be possible. After all, if they can cure homosexuality, they can cure anything.

Surely you’ve all heard that one can be cured of loving members of the same sex? Religious institutions have been at the forefront supporting this necessary research, and just today we’ve received news of a breakthrough. A team of four hard-working reverends announced that they cured Ted Haggard, aka Nelly McHypocrite of Gayville, Colorado. This degaying process took only three short weeks, during which time it is assumed McHypocrite sat handcuffed to a church pew with his eyes toothpicked open while Pat Robertson read aloud from the Bible all the really dirty parts, starting with that load of begatting in Matthew, Chapter 1.

This is the part where I note how incredibly sad this all is for Haggard, who is probably nothing more than a product of a stupidly bigoted religious upbringing. However, I lose my sympathy for one person’s pain in the face of the ignorance and hate that he is continuing to promote. This entire farce is one more nail in the coffin for a ridiculous religion that should have died out ages ago.

So anyway, I’ll just sit here waiting for those religious leaders to get started on a cure for the common cold. Something that doesn’t involve toothpicks in my eyelids would be great, but not a dealbreaker.

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor.

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  1. Seeing how many things are not allowed by the bible, I think it's fairly safe to say that non-believers have the best sex. After all, it's what we're apparently best known for: as depraved atheists …

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