I was chatting with my friend Jeff Wagg today. Jeff just bought a new house, complete with a yard, which has a garden. He found a memorial stone in the garden, and upon returning it to the former homeowner, he was informed that there was something else buried in the garden — the remains of four dead hookers.
No, just kidding. It’s actually a statue of St. Joseph. Maybe you’ve heard of him — he’s the poor sap who married a virgin who then cheated on him by banging every holy spirit in the tri-state area. When one particular holy spirit failed to use adequate protection for His most holy of bits, poor Joe was stuck raising the resulting spawn. So he ended up with a baby without enjoying the carnal benefits granted those who procreate. That’s so tragic, I think we can all agree he deserved sainthood.
It’s only natural after these feats that he became the patron saint of Austria; confectioners; dying people; emigrants; happy death; Mexico; people in doubt; people who fight Communism; Peru; travellers; wheelwrights; working people; and real estate sales (among other things).
It’s that last thing that led to the previous homeowner burying a statue in the garden. Apparently, doing so is supposed to encourage your house to sell. I imagine it might, if the statue is made of solid gold with diamond accents. I get the feeling that the one in Jeff’s garden isn’t so well-adorned, since the woman told Jeff that he could keep it if he could find it, as she had forgotten where it was buried.
“Wait,” you’re wondering, “how did she forget where she buried it? Surely she must have done so mere weeks before Jeff snapped it up?” Not exactly. According to Jeff:
I say it didn’t work because they buried it two years ago when they tried to sell this whole building as one house. They had to fire the agent, get a new agent, go to condo, suffer through a last minute breach of contract . . . and THEN I bought it.
The Lord works in mysterious ways. Of course, maybe the Lord was just a little confused as to what Saint Joe was supposed to be taking care of in this instance — maybe completely unbeknownst to her, by burrowing St. Joseph in her yard that homeowner completely conquered Communism in her neighborhood.
Of course, this story won’t be appearing in the local paper. Certainly not a respected paper like the Miami Herald, since they’re far too busy encouraging their readers to bury their own statues and pimping a book about all the various voodoo tricks to trick God into selling your house:
The tradition of burying St. Joseph’s statue in the yard to sell your house more quickly has been around for a long time. Some say it dates to an order of European religious sisters in the Middle Ages who sought help in getting land for a convent. Others say it started in the late 1800s with a Montreal order of religious brothers who wanted a new chapel.
Stephen J. Binz’s 2003 book, St. Joseph, My Real Estate Agent, fanned new interest. Binz says he was a doubter until he buried a statue and a week later was able to sell his house, which hadn’t moved in seven months.
Halleleuija it’s a miracle! This die hard skeptic couldn’t sell his house, so he buried a little statue in the yard, sold the house, immediately converted to a true believer in the power of the Lord, and wrote a book that includes “a statue and prayer card” and retails “for only $7.50.” Thanks for that breaking news, Miami Herald!
Jeff helpfully provides this link where you can get your own St. Joseph kit: “Your Underground Real Estate Agent!” You can get the 4″ statue if you just kind of want to sell your house eventually, or you can get the 8″ statue and maybe sell it twice as fast! Jeff isn’t sure how big his statue is, so we’re going to have a digging party and try to find it. Whoever digs up Joe gets a free bottle of liquor and a free listing in New England Home Sales magazine!