Skepticism

From the WTF? Files . . .

The porn industry in the U.S. is now seeking federal bailout money.

It’s true. Smut peddlers (god love ’em) are asking for assistance as the global financial crisis continues. Hustler publisher Larry Flynt and others said today they will ask Congress to allocate $5 billion for a bailout of the adult entertainment industry.

Now, a couple questions spring immediately to mind.

First, is the U.S. government supposed to be a father figure with a fat wallet to every industry?

I personally scoffed at the bank and big three bailouts that have already taken place. I mean, I don’t like to see people lose jobs, but industries can’t just run to daddy for more cash when they screw up and blow all their money on a 3-Card Monte game; especially when daddy don’t have it. They have to be accountable.

And second, is the porn industry really in financial peril? Really?? The porn industry?!?!

Actually, no. Apparently it’s not.

Flynt and Francis concede the industry itself is in no financial danger — DVD sales have slipped over the past year, but Web traffic has continued to grow.

But the industry leaders said the issue is a nation in need. “People are too depressed to be sexually active,” Flynt said in the statement. “This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex.”

“With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It’s time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

So let’s summarize Larry’s thought process here: My business is not in financial trouble. Internet traffic on porn sites continues to grow. But the nation needs even more sex. Give me $5 billion.

Well, hell. He’s a freakin’ patriot and a hero.

Look, Larry, we all love what you stand for in the areas of free speech and the right to publish images of kinky, sticky, smoking hot sex between two or more people. Keep on rockin’ on that stuff. But unless you’re just trying to make a point in your own way about frivolous government bailouts, maybe you should let this one go.

Sam Ogden

Sam Ogden is a writer, beach bum, and songwriter living in Houston, Texas, but he may be found scratching himself at many points across the globe. Follow him on Twitter @SamOgden

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34 Comments

  1. Who knows, it might work! And if it does, I’m starting a lobby for nationwirde student loan bailouts!

    But if, as is more likely, it turns out that Flynt is just making a point with this, I guess that’s cool too… But dammit, when do I get to not have to be responsible for my own actions and finances???

  2. I don’t know if he’s trying to make a point or if he’s just trying to get some free publicity.

    If he’s trying to make a point, he’s a little late. It’s become very cliche to make a tongue-in-cheek request for bailout money. We’re all very aware of how absurd things are.

    On the other hand, if he’s just trying to drum up some publicity by issuing a news release and getting a bunch of bloggers to write about his bailout request for the pornography industry, then we’ve played right into his plan.

  3. While I figure he’s just making a point, damn it I hope he keeps pushing as far as he can. I’d love to see him in front of congress asking for money. Especially if he brings a list of people in congress who subscribe to his services: “Well, if Senators Vitter, Kennedy, etc, etc hadn’t canceled their subscriptions we wouldn’t need to come here with our hands out. But times are tough for everyone.”

    Incidentally, I have to agree with him that we would be better off if we all had more sex and less cars.

  4. I drank up all my drinking money, I need more to stimulate the economy/my liver.

    And a “tongue in cheek” proposal sounds horribly wrong to me, in the context of porn. And bailout? Maybe they could call it an economic “stimulus package?”

  5. Wheew! For a minute there I thought those three lovely young ladies I saw the other night at “Lady Godiva’s” might be in trouble! They’re nice girls really, just working their way through school till the modeling career takes off…

  6. I can’t help but have the image in my head of a teenage boy, trousers around his ankles, cracking one out over the Hustler centerfold saying;

    “Must…preserve the…Republic…Make the…founding…..fathers…..proooouuuuuud”

  7. Or perhaps a Normal Rockwell Style 1940’s propaganda poster of a crew-cut sqaure jawed muscluar blonde man, against a background of ole’glory rippling in the breeze, looking off into the horizon, as a beautiful young women with both her hands on his right shoulder, looking off into the same spot in the distance, as he is saluting with his left hand and waxing his (foot long) plank with his right. While the caption reads: “Together we’ll Beat this Recession”

  8. Larry Flynt is also suing his nephew for using the name Flynt. It should also be noted that his nephew’s last name is indeed Flynt, but Larry is worried that his nephew, utterly unconnected with the Hustler empire, is going to cheapen the name Flynt.

    So yeah.

  9. Look, Larry, we all love what you stand for in the areas of free speech and the right to publish images of kinky, sticky, smoking hot sex between two or more people.

    Less than two is not allowed?

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