Science

The Top Ten Best Darwinian Pick-up Lines!

Okay my smooth talking skeptics, get ready to chat up that sweet honey hanging out at the bar wearing the “Charles Darwin has a posse” t-shirt. I’ve gone over your recommendations for the best Darwin-related pick-up lines, which ranged from jaw-droppingly nerdy to delightfully perverted. Here are my favorites, counting down to the winner, whose author will receive a belated Valentine from yours truly! You can read the rest of the hilarious lines in the comments section of this post. Here we go:

10.) From Dragonrock

Trust me Baby, my selection is ALL natural!

9.) From Expatria

Why don’t you unzip my pants and let me show you the descent of man?

8.) From goodguyseatpie

I saw you checking out my barnacle from over there. You know, if you investigate it, we could name it after you.

7.) From shagomir

I want to take you home tonight. I know it may seem impossible without the intercession of a creator, but if you’ll give me a chance, I can show you a sequence of small steps that will have the same result!

6.) From larsarus

You cause selective pressure in my pants. How about we split – leave these Neanderthals behind?

5.) From N.R. Miller

They say that the male nipple hasn’t got a use anymore. I’m sure we can come up with a trial to prove that wrong.

4.) From Blake Stacey

Girl, you so fine, you make me want to do a Cambrian explosion between your strata.

(tied with…)

Is that a finch in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

3.) From Joshua

Baby, I got just what you need: matching pairs of your beneficial but recessive alleles.

2.) From rustypouch

Without you, my organ would become vestigial.

And the number one Darwinian pick-up line, chosen because it was outrageously, deliciously dirty while still retaining a delightful hint of geekery that literally made me choke on my morning coffee. Drumroll, please:

Is it subverting our genetic imperative if you cum all over my face?

This gem was submitted by azinyk, who offered quite a few other great lines that made me laugh out loud, including: “I don’t want to boast about my staying power, but by the time we’re finished, Kent Hovind will be out of jail” and “Let’s you and me co-evolve a symbiotic relationship … in my pants.” Congratulations, azinyk! Expect an e-mail in the coming days so I can get your address and mail you your very own Valentine!

Special mention goes out to Blake Stacey for the sheer amount of great lines submitted, of which I chose but one two. Also, the award for smoothest pick-up narrative goes to Riparian, for this last-minute entry:

He says:
I just saw you from across the room. No, please, don’t leave. Let me say something. I can tell we’re just a couple of survivors, you and me, and soon his moment will pass. But before it does, I want to give you something that is also a survivor, because what’s in this glass has survived millions of years just for this moment.

I’m talking about survival of the fittest. That’s real survival. Real, like you and me. And real the way Charles Darwin knew it. Yeah, I’m talking Darwinism, baby; evolution, because there’s no hiding the truth. The hops, the barley the yeast: these didn’t just appear spontaneously; they’re the results of millions of years of selective pressures. But I’m not about pressure. I’d just like to sit with you. I see you’ve put away your mace. Thank you. What a lovely smile you have.

He means:
You’ll like me a lot better when you’re drunk.

The award for the most obscure dig at Creationists goes to JanieBelle, who had this killer line:

I’m taking you home tonight.

NOTE: If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??

(Enjoy this explanation from our spineless buddy.)

The award for worst pun that in no way addressed the central point of the contest goes to ohp, who contributed this:

A pteridophyta is sitting at a bar, and a tracheophyta approaches.
“How would you like to sample all 500 of my chromosomes?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t get into bed for less than 1200.”
“So it’s true. Girls just want to have fern.”

Thanks to everyone who contributed. Please, for the sake of science, alert me immediately if any of you ever use one of these lines. Especially if any of them actually work — I demand you invite me to the wedding.

+++

Belated update: many of these lines are now available on t-shirts and buttons in the Skepchick store!

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

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23 Comments

  1. I know it's too late but:

    "Did you know that masturbation is not only a sin but it also serves no evolutionary purpose? So why don't we go back to my place and do something that both God and nature intended us to do?

  2. There were some real classics in there. Great contest!

    I’d like to thank the acadamy, my mom, Kate, all of you, and oh yes – Dr. PZ, without whom this award would not have been possible both because I had never seen that Chick tract before I saw it at his blog a while back, and because without him I quite literally would not exist.

    Kisses!

  3. Hooray for placing in the top ten!

    Rebecca, I think we're all anxiously awaiting some Darwinian pick-up line t-shirts now. I can wear mine with the same amount of self-consciousness I wear my 'Feelings are boring. Kissing is AWESOME' shirt from Dinosaur Comics, knowing full well that EVERYONE that sees me is quite aware that I'm the sort of dude who hasn't been kissed in so long he might not even remember whether or not it is, in fact, awesome.

    And both go quite well with the "Ladies, Please! One at a time!' sticker (also from the same website) pasted on the back of my laptop. Nothing says 'Ladies Man' like some dude wearing such a shirt, playing World of Warcraft on his so-decorated laptop in a Starbucks.

  4. JackPT said:

    One of the ones I previously commented worked

    Hey, Jack, not that my opinion counts for much, but as I noted here, I think that's the only comment that could work because it's so cheesy. Say, if you had that nerdy guy who jumped on the stage with Evelyn and Exarch dancing, and he looked all awkward and shy with a smile, he might get away with it. It's all in the delivery. I could see me trying to stifle the laughter.

    And it seemed funnier in light that I just read an Valentine e-card someone sent me yesterday and it says in the animation: "Sometimes I wish you were a flower…Because then I would plant a whole field of you." :-)

    I burst out laughing, 'cuz this person is far from corny, and they are really a humorous person and very intelligent person, so it worked. :-)

    Well, congratulations azinyk; that was probably the crudest of all the pick-up lines. Forget that you'd go the way of the dodo bird, but hey, it got you a Valentine from the delectable Rebecca, right? :-)

    I gotta go find that video…Exarch, who is that kid?

  5. Oh c'mon, Exarch, he's so bad he's good! Watch the video again and cover up everyone else – his arm movements are so awkward, but he's trying, at least! Look how he jumped on the stage….

    Great Dance Video

    Thanks for answering my question, and I didn't mean "kid" in a demeaning sense…he just looks so young. I love that video…. :-)

  6. I agree that there is not enough room in my wardrobe for all the potential t-shirts generated by this list. I think if I ever actually heard any of these in real life, I might actually implode from laughter and disbelief.

  7. Here are some more regular pick up lines:

    * You look like my third wife! (How many have you had?) Two…
    * Are you smoking? (No!) Oh, yes you are!
    * I know I’m not a grocery item but I can tell when you’re checking me out.
    * Hey I just realized this, but you look a lot like my next girlfriend…

    For muck more funny pick up lines check out: http://www.funny-pick-up-lines.com/funny.html

    And some pick up lines for girls: http://www.funny-pick-up-lines.com/pick-up-lines-for-girls.html

    Enjoy!
    :)

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