Okay my smooth talking skeptics, get ready to chat up that sweet honey hanging out at the bar wearing the “Charles Darwin has a posse” t-shirt. I’ve gone over your recommendations for the best Darwin-related pick-up lines, which ranged from jaw-droppingly nerdy to delightfully perverted. Here are my favorites, counting down to the winner, whose author will receive a belated Valentine from yours truly! You can read the rest of the hilarious lines in the comments section of this post. Here we go:
10.) From Dragonrock
Trust me Baby, my selection is ALL natural!
9.) From Expatria
Why donâ€™t you unzip my pants and let me show you the descent of man?
8.) From goodguyseatpie
I saw you checking out my barnacle from over there. You know, if you investigate it, we could name it after you.
7.) From shagomir
I want to take you home tonight. I know it may seem impossible without the intercession of a creator, but if youâ€™ll give me a chance, I can show you a sequence of small steps that will have the same result!
6.) From larsarus
You cause selective pressure in my pants. How about we split – leave these Neanderthals behind?
5.) From N.R. Miller
They say that the male nipple hasnâ€™t got a use anymore. Iâ€™m sure we can come up with a trial to prove that wrong.
4.) From Blake Stacey
Girl, you so fine, you make me want to do a Cambrian explosion between your strata.
Is that a finch in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
3.) From Joshua
Baby, I got just what you need: matching pairs of your beneficial but recessive alleles.
2.) From rustypouch
Without you, my organ would become vestigial.
And the number one Darwinian pick-up line, chosen because it was outrageously, deliciously dirty while still retaining a delightful hint of geekery that literally made me choke on my morning coffee. Drumroll, please:
Is it subverting our genetic imperative if you cum all over my face?
This gem was submitted by azinyk, who offered quite a few other great lines that made me laugh out loud, including: “I donâ€™t want to boast about my staying power, but by the time weâ€™re finished, Kent Hovind will be out of jail” and â€œLetâ€™s you and me co-evolve a symbiotic relationship … in my pants.” Congratulations, azinyk! Expect an e-mail in the coming days so I can get your address and mail you your very own Valentine!
Special mention goes out to Blake Stacey for the sheer amount of great lines submitted, of which I chose but
one two. Also, the award for smoothest pick-up narrative goes to Riparian, for this last-minute entry:
I just saw you from across the room. No, please, donâ€™t leave. Let me say something. I can tell weâ€™re just a couple of survivors, you and me, and soon his moment will pass. But before it does, I want to give you something that is also a survivor, because whatâ€™s in this glass has survived millions of years just for this moment.
Iâ€™m talking about survival of the fittest. Thatâ€™s real survival. Real, like you and me. And real the way Charles Darwin knew it. Yeah, Iâ€™m talking Darwinism, baby; evolution, because thereâ€™s no hiding the truth. The hops, the barley the yeast: these didnâ€™t just appear spontaneously; theyâ€™re the results of millions of years of selective pressures. But Iâ€™m not about pressure. Iâ€™d just like to sit with you. I see youâ€™ve put away your mace. Thank you. What a lovely smile you have.
Youâ€™ll like me a lot better when youâ€™re drunk.
The award for the most obscure dig at Creationists goes to JanieBelle, who had this killer line:
Iâ€™m taking you home tonight.
NOTE: If you doubt this is possible, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??
The award for worst pun that in no way addressed the central point of the contest goes to ohp, who contributed this:
A pteridophyta is sitting at a bar, and a tracheophyta approaches.
â€œHow would you like to sample all 500 of my chromosomes?â€
â€œIâ€™m sorry, I donâ€™t get into bed for less than 1200.â€
â€œSo itâ€™s true. Girls just want to have fern.â€
Thanks to everyone who contributed. Please, for the sake of science, alert me immediately if any of you ever use one of these lines. Especially if any of them actually work — I demand you invite me to the wedding.
Belated update: many of these lines are now available on t-shirts and buttons in the Skepchick store!