Anti-Science

Everything is fitted to fall in Feng Shui

Are you in a dating rut? Have you stopped looking for “Mr. Right” and started looking for “Mr. Right Now?” Are you easily fooled by charlatans? If you answered “yes” to those questions, you need to click this link right now, and find out how to rearrange your furniture and finally attract that dream man! So long as that dream man is also easily fooled by charlatans, you should be picking out place settings by this time next week. Let’s check out the advice!

Describe what’s wrong with your dating life. Is it stuck? Make sure that all of the windows are easy to open, no doors are sticking, etc., because whatever word you used to describe your love life can usually be applied to your home — literally.

I have a friend who is a widower. I’ll let him know that he should kill and resurrect his house cat in an attempt to literally revitalize his love life.

Think pink. Pink feels like love, so add soft, sensuous things and let them color your corner.

Because what man doesn’t like to get back to his date’s apartment only to go in her bedroom and make sweet, tender love to her on her soft crushed velvet heart pillows? Bonus points if he cries afterward.

Get yourself some space. If your closets and drawers are completely full, nothing new can be added. The same availability carries over into your love life, so be sure to make some room for Mr. Right.

Yep. Make room in your closet for Mr. Right! Are they offering dating advice or tips for serial killers?

Match pairs of things: two like candles, two nightstands, etc. The imagery will help paired energy come your way.

I like to place matched pairs of vibrating sexual aids next to my bed. The imagery helps my dates panic.

Bla bla bla, skipping ahead:

Never keep ”single” stuff lying around. If you’re stuck with a twin bed for now, at least add a guest pillow. Do you use a single-cup coffee maker? It’s time to upgrade to something larger. If you display photos of yourself alone, move them out of this corner. Surrounding yourself with solitary symbols will keep you sleeping single even longer.

Okay, if you’re stuck with a twin bed, move out of your childhood bedroom. No “guest pillow” is going to convince him to sleep with you. If you display photos of yourself alone, get some friends. Seriously. You’re scaring the cable guy.

The Skepchick guide to finding Mr. Right: accept the fact that the only way interior design is going to get you laid is if you’re a gay man.

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

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18 Comments

  1. " Match pairs of things: two like candles, two nightstands, etc. The imagery will help paired energy come your way.

    I like to place matched pairs of vibrating sexual aids next to my bed. The imagery helps my dates panic."

    This would ease my mind knowing that I just need to get to the bottom of the eighth innning and I can turn it over to the bull pen ;>)

  2. "I like to place matched pairs of vibrating sexual aids next to my bed."

    In Texas, substitute personal massagers.

    And, TheCzech, obviously for vanity's sake. I know I have an entire wall in the common area of my apartment devoted to tasteful black & white nude photos of myself — doesn't everyone?

  3. Some tips for the guys:

    Your floors are a representation of your date's "personal care". A rug or two if you like a classy lady, full carpeting if you prefer an earth mamma, bare floors if you really dig a clean lady, or think you might be appearing on Dateline in the near future.

    Buy some faux antique grecian items to toss around the house. You know what they say, "if she doesn't speak greek, send her up the creek."

    Go through magazines and draw little black eyes on all the women. That will ensure that your date knows how to listen.

    In fact, if you're a slob, just go ahead and cover up the whole eye. Then she'll go for your personality. However this is a catch-22, since listening to Feng Shui tips pretty much ruins that.

    Annnd I'm out of steam.

  4. Regarding the twin bed:

    Yeah, nothing screams "loser" like coming back to your appartment for "drinks", and finding a tiny, single bed there. Granted, it's OK to have sex in (if perhaps a little cramped), but not enough room to sleep over. In my opinion it screams "one night stand" not "relationship". Either that or "time to get a bed for grown-ups".

  5. The exception to the twin bed rule is if you're in a college dorm and have no choice. Which maybe goes without saying, but it deserves saying. Under those circumstances, you can in fact make the twin bed work, even for sleeping over.

    Full beds are still way better, though. ;)

  6. Apparently, there's a distinction I'm missing between twin beds, double beds, and king-size beds?

    I figured all three were more or less the same thing?

    Unless of course, twin beds refers to the double-decker style bunk bed?

  7. This part threw me for a loop:

    Match pairs of things: two like candles, two nightstands, etc. The imagery will help paired energy come your way.

    What in the name of Isis is "paired energy"? Oh, I know, it must be a supersymmetry thing, each boson field matched with its partner fermion.

    I'm still going to get my interior-decoration advice from xkcd.

  8. "Blake Stacey said,

    November 3, 2006 at 10:40 am

    This part threw me for a loop:

    Match pairs of things: two like candles, two nightstands, etc. The imagery will help paired energy come your way.

    What in the name of Isis is “paired energy”? Oh, I know, it must be a supersymmetry thing, each boson field matched with its partner fermion.

    I’m still going to get my interior-decoration advice from xkcd. "

    "Matched pairs of things"… So why don't breasts count? Don't they generate enough energy?

  9. "So why don’t breasts count? Don’t they generate enough energy?"

    They certainly do. In fact, I think breasts may be proof of telekinesis.

    See, cause they make things move.

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