Prince Died From Chemtrails, Say Conspiracy Theorists
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Supposedly, the musician Prince has died at the age of 57. I say “supposedly” because my first thought was that it can’t possibly be a coincidence that this news comes so close to that of David Bowie’s death, and considering that they’re both obviously musical space aliens they’ve probably just hitchhiked out of here and at any moment the Vogons are going to come through to blow up the Earth to build a bypass. If you don’t believe me, go check with the dolphins.
I admit that’s a pretty insane theory, but not quite as insane as some others that are being bandied about by conspiracy theorists, of whom Prince was one.
And yes, this is where I have to sadly inform you that Prince seemed to honestly believe that contrails in the sky are actually chemicals purposely sprayed by the government to poison and possibly control the minds of the masses. And, he was a Jehovah’s Witness. Yes, if you lived in Minneapolis there was a chance that one bright Sunday morning you’d wake up to a pounding on your door. You’d think, “God damn Jehovah’s Witnesses” and you’d open the door ready to yell at them when there in all his tiny glory would be the Prince himself, offering to share with you the Good Word.
Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t allow blood transfusions, which is why as a religion they need to rely on converting people, since they probably don’t tend to live very long on average. Prince supposedly held off on a much-needed hip replacement for many years, because the surgery may have resulted in him needing a transfusion. It’s somewhat impressive that he managed to keep his commitment to both his religion and his high heels through that difficult time.
Early reports suggested that Prince died from the flu, or something like the flu. Many people continue to confuse the flu with the common cold, but the flu is much more serious and causes tens of thousands of deaths every year. Most of those deaths are the elderly, infants, or immunocompromised individuals, which is why it’s extremely important for everyone to get the flu shot every year, to build up a herd immunity that will protect our most vulnerable members of society.
I’ve seen some people using Prince’s death as a way to encourage others to get their flu shots. I am all in favor of more people understanding the flu shot, but we don’t know if Prince died of the flu, and we don’t even know that he wasn’t vaccinated.
Jehovah’s Witnesses used to forbid vaccination, but in the 1950s they saw the writing on the wall that they were all going to die of polio, so they now leave it up to the individual to decide. As far as I can tell, Prince has never gone on record about his personal feelings on vaccines, but I have to be honest: considering his anti-medicine religion and his alt-right conspiracy theories, it doesn’t sound like he would have been a fan. Yet still, there are some conspiracy theorists who think he died from the flu vaccine. Because why not.
Other conspiracy theorists think Prince died because of chemtrails. Merle Haggard, who also died recently, also believed in chemtrails, and two data points means a rock solid conspiracy theory. I haven’t found any other evidence presented, except for the fact that Prince started feeling ill on an airplane, and you know what else is located in the sky where airplanes are? That’s right: chemtrails. QED. Ignore the reports coming out now suggesting that that initial illness on the plane was actually an opioid overdose.
It remains to be seen whether Prince’s death results in an increased awareness of flu vaccines, prescription painkiller addictions, or chemtrails. In the meanwhile, let’s just remember what an outrageously talented, transgressive musician Prince was while also being a secret humanitarian, helping launch initiatives like YesWeCode, an effort focused on teaching young black kids how to program computers. Unlike all the conspiracy theories, those are verifiable facts we can use to remember Prince while inspiring others to adopt his best qualities.
My theory is that Prince died of an acute reaction to the color purple.
After all these years it turns out he was allergic.
Bart vs. the Space Mutants level 1. Purple is what they’re looking for. Yeah, it’s weird, even for a Simpsons game.
Well, it’s a licensed game for the NES, but it’s not an LJN one, thank FSM.
Prince? Bowie? Can’t everyone see that their deaths were just distractions as the illuminati and Windsor lizard people harvested Chyna?
Don’t forget they got Raymond’s mom too.
All I really knew about Prince before this was that he was often referred to as “the artist formerly known as Prince,” and he sang the song “purple rain”
I feel so disconnected to the music scene of any era that this is all pretty strange to me, but it’s rather sad to see another beloved figure claimed by a drug addiction.
I think you’re on to something with the Vogon thing. Notice that Douglas Adams was born in 1957 and also died at age 57!
(Note that this statement been subjected to Donald Trump level fact checking.)
Which of course means you didn’t do any fact checking at all.
Nah, Trump has fact checking. He’s got the best fact checking. There’s gonna be so much checking of facts you won’t even believe it. You’ll get bored with it and come begging for less checking because Trump has the biggest facts of any candidate. Almost as big as his penis.
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