I Have Panty Woo!

Just when you thought it was safe, the woo peddlers are trying desperately to get in our pants! In their defense, they are only trying to get in lady pants but don’t think you are too safe boys because it’s only a matter of time before they try to neutralize the ions in your private parts too. Just remember you were warned here first!

I promised to share with you my findings from the wacky world of woo while on my crafty California and Nevada road trips and honestly, I don’t even have to try to look for things because apparently the positive ions (in my pants) make me a woo magnet and some creepy guys handed me this flyer while repeating the words “residual income.”

That’s right my friends, there is now a company trying to sell us magic maxi pads! With more scientific jargon than a comic convention and more bullshit than a burger factory, the latest in pyramid schemes appears to have something to do with negative ions and your crotch.
Panty Woo
I’m not sure what I should be more offended by, the fact that this company preys specifically on women and makes false and possibly dangerous health claims (“helps control tumors” Really?) or how about the fact that they blatantly distort science (“magnetic far-infrared natural invisible rays”) or that they prey on poor people during a recession who are hoping to make an honest living? Either way, the real “moisture absorbing SAP” is the guy who handed me this flyer.

Amy Roth

Amy Davis Roth (aka Surly Amy) is a multimedia, science-loving artist who resides in Los Angeles, California. She makes Surly-Ramics and is currently in love with pottery. Daily maker of art and leader of Mad Art Lab. Support her on Patreon. Tip Jar is here.

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  1. OK, I am going to apologise in advance because there are puns to be had here. I mean, residual…menstruation…come on! (also ‘come on’ is a menstruation pun as well!). And income…in come…panties. Residual in come? See a doctor, guys!

    My pun-o-meter is exploding.

  2. Oh, now this is just desperate. It’s as if they went through the yellow pages of woo trying to find an un-exploited product. No luck, until one fateful day when the wife said “Honey, on your way home from work could you pick me up some pads.”

    And as he hovered in the aisle, waiting for it to empty out, it struck him. Women buy these things every month! Hmmm…

    Also, this ad reads like a woo madlib.

  3. Can’t help noticing the flier fails to contain the FDA cop-out disclaimer.

    @Bookitty: Woo madlibs sounds like a great idea for a Skeptics in the Pub activity. Just take some random woo claim and change some of the words to blanks.

    F3 is a unique, state-of-the-art feminine sanitary (noun) that uses a patented magnetic (adjective) negative (noun) antiseptic system.


    Wow. Bizarre capitalization and quotation marks aside, that… um, sentence(?) reads like it was run through a few free online translators.

    FACT – Women biologically will use about 15,000 pads over 38 years!

    This is one of the worst sentences that I’ve ever biologically seen.

  5. @Steve: You’ll need the occasional [transcendent adjective], [science-y noun] and [verb of change]

    Intuitive nanotechnology modulates well-being.
    Primordial infrared-rays revise well-being.

    Maybe I should just whip up and sell some woo buzz-word flash cards that can be laid out in any order. I can market it as “not endorsed by Big Pharma!”

  6. i wuz under the impression that photons (even the far- infrared flavor) don’t get affected by magnetism…need to shoot a laser beam by one of my supermagnets and see. even with the most sensitive equipment, I doubt a deflection could be detected. then again, the mass of the magnet might deflect, OH NO, how do I prove this hypothesis? OK, I’m going with NO magnets do not affect photons, that’s my story and I’m sticking with it!

  7. Live demos? These pads are so complex that you need to attend a live demo to understand how to use it? What, is there a miniture nuclear reactor in each pad used to generate the magnetic far infrared negative ion antiseptic system? I can imagine the news reports now

    “40 women’s naughty bits exploded today in what can only be described as tiny nuclear fireballs. A spokesidiot for the company insists that the pads are safe when properly used and further states that all purchasers attended live demonstrations and should have known better”

  8. @Tanstaafl56:

    i wuz under the impression that photons (even the far- infrared flavor) don’t get affected by magnetism…need to shoot a laser beam by one of my supermagnets and see. even with the most sensitive equipment, I doubt a deflection could be detected.

    In brief, some media rotate the plane of polarized light in the presence of a magnetic field. I don’t know if the applies to air, or could be translated into actually deflecting a ray of light, but if so it would make a way cool demo.

  9. @pciszek: Thanx for the link. It does affect polarization in the Ionosphere according to that Wiki page… so i guess the polarization of the far infrared photons is what makes this thingy woik. To tell the truth, i was not thinking in terms of polarization, only beam paths. Silly me ;)

  10. @James Fox:

    “Baby and adult diapers coming soon”

    The ion woo does the poo too!

    Omni magazine once held a contest asking readers to submit future brand names. One of them was the “Hyper Diaper” which transfers the load to another point in spacetime (specifically Bayonne New Jersey in 1938).

  11. I think I’ll strap a few of these under my prostate and watch the magic happen! If it can control Fibroids, Tumors, Boils and Endometriosis, the old prostate cancer doesn’t have a chance.

  12. Couldn’t help but check out the website here:

    Interestingly, no mention of controling tumors, fibroids, etc., or pain and cramping. I think this is just another pyramid/network marketing scheme to peddle woo. But, this one takes the cake. If you google i2living, there are even myspace pages for actual women who are selling this shit. Criminy!

    Can anyone tell me how magnets can emit far infrared energy?

  13. @Garrison22:

    Can anyone tell me how magnets can emit far infrared energy?

    By having a temperature.

    Objects at around room temperature will radiate in a range that straddles the boundary between long wave infrared and far infrared.

  14. Gah, already my awesome Ray of Truth is being misused. Either that, or the woo to WOO! transmogrifier is on the fritz, because it’s only the WOO! that’s supposed to be going into the pants.

    Perhaps I shoulda added a HOO! to the WOO! in my formulation.


  15. “Far Infrared”? So they’re heated, right?

    Magnetic? Sure; but useless, as we all know.

    So, to state the obvious…
    Pop open a chemical hand-warmer pad and stick it down there… and you’ll feel it. >;-> I’ll hold training sessions, if you’d really like. >;->

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