Goodbye… again.

Yesterday I got into an argument with one of my husband’s co-workers over whether the Rapture was upon us. She insisted that no, it was not yesterday, but today that the world will end. I told her she’s completely dim (because apparently I don’t care about my husband’s employment) and pointed her to the post I wrote about yesterday’s end of the world. Then she called me an idiot and pointed me to the site that says today is the day the US government nukes Chicago. It’s not quite the apocalypse, but to those of us in and around Chicago, it kind of is.warninglabel

Fortunately, the 9/22 site is brief, otherwise the apocalypse would be happening in my head.

So let’s break it down, point by point.


The U.S. Government might nuke Chicago, IL on Tuesday, 9/22/2009.

So, we have the huge warning that it might happen. Other things that might happen today:

  • I might win the lotto
  • The economy might fix itself
  • The Nightman might cometh
  • Somebody might declare Goodburger to be the greatest movie of all time
  • It might rain

“Might”. That’s a pretty huge loophole.

Firstly, keep in mind that a “second 9/11” or “9/11 sequel” could occur on 9/12/YYYY or 9/22/YYYY, rather than on 9/11/YYYY. Furthermore, eight years passed between the 1993 World Trade Center bombing and 9/11, and now eight years have passed since 9/11.

So it can happen on any day in any year, as long as it’s September, but all the evidence points to today. Why? Because after a sample of one timespan between WTC bombings, we can conclude that The Man will be bombing World Trade Centers every eight years. Except that there is no World Trade Center to bomb anymore… so the obvious next step is to nuke Chicago.

There’s probably a checklist that the CIA has. It goes like this:

  1. Fail at bombing the WTC.
  2. Fly “planes” into the WTC, then control demolition.
  3. Nuke Chicago
  4. Collect underpants
  5. something
  6. Make Profit

So, according to this checklist, I was wrong, the economy is not going to fix itself today, it will be fixed in 24 years (since they wait 8 years between items).

Also note:

–9/22/2009 is a Tuesday, as was 9/11/2001.

And now that McDonald’s no longer offers Free Coffee Mondays, this makes Tuesday especially irritating… especially knowing that Mickey D’s can totally afford it since they get paid every Tuesday for the hamburgers they already gave out… or was that something else? I don’t know.

wimpy2bTuesday, based on the evidence from a single attack 8 years ago, is a great day to attack again. Assuming that Tuesday once = Tuesday always for killing thousands (or millions) of Americans is reasonable enough… right? Okay, maybe not. Perhaps this makes sense when you look at the rest of the evidence? Maybe?

Oh, and the 1993 bombing was on a Friday… so maybe they like to mix it up with the days of the week (but not more than once) but not the number of years in between.

–9/22/2009 is the first day of fall (“fall” being the operative word here).

Holy shit! Quick! Somebody call Grammar Girl! CHICAGO IS BEING ATTACKED BY HOMONYMS! It really is the end!

–Chicago is known as “The Second City.”

Homonyms and nicknames taken out of context!cow

And the government has been telling us for the last 120 years that it’s “The Second City” because Chicago was destroyed in some fire, and this is the second Chicago.

Was Mrs. O’Leary’s cow a government shill?

Or is this just a textbook example of what some might call a “nonsequitur”?

Hey, don’t look at me, I’m just the Skepchick asking the questions. I’m also the one pointing out that there was no O’Leary cow.

–President Obama is from Chicago.

Soooooo he wants to bomb his friends and family?

Am I the only one who thinks that if I’m in charge of the government that’s going to nuke an entire metropolitan area, I’m going to pick the one without my million dollar home in the middle of it?

–Chicago is a candidate city for the 2016 Summer Olympics. The host city will be selected in October.

For real? Are you seriously just taking random bits of trivia from the Chicago Wikipedia page? Do you even remember what you’re talking about? Are we even still on the subject of “reasons to nuke Chicago”?

Sure, not everyone here wants the Olympics in our kick ass city, but to call in the nukes to stop it? And isn’t the government the one trying to sell this city to the Olympic decision makers? If we nuke Chicago, that would take us out of the running. Don’t we want to bomb out competition instead?

I’m going to say the Olympics point is a great reason not to nuke Chicago.

–Illinois Lottery drawings are held at 9:22 p.m.

illinois-lotteryIs that how they pick dates for when to bomb a city? By the time the lotto numbers are drawn? Because there’s also a drawing at 12:40 p.m. Does that mean that they might also nuke on December 30, 2010? Because 30+10=40?

And if drawing the numbers at 9:22 is a good enough reason to nuke an entire fucking city, I… I just… I don’t know what to say.

–9/11 occurred during President Bush’s first year in office; President Obama is currently in his first year in office.

Maybe that’s because they do these things every 8 years. The math works out that way. So what I need to know is whether they want to attack during a president’s first year or if it’s an 8 year cycle.

And why did they choose to bomb in February for Clinton and September for Bush and Obama?

–September 22nd is the 265th day of the year and is followed by the final 100 days of the year.

Oh right… 100 days left in the year. That’s when you start thinking about how much vacation time you still have left to use before January and hdr_math_rulesthat you need to start using up your nukes or your department is going to lose nuke funding for next year.

So what else? Nothing. That’s it. That’s the entire case. That is every bullet point. That is every argument. I have quoted in its entirety.

With all this compelling evidence, I still don’t understand a motive… other than not wanting to bring international synchronized swimmers onto Michigan Avenue. I think there are better, cheaper and easier ways to keep them out… like paying Mayor Daley off to withdraw our bid? Or paying the Olympic committee to choose another city? Or sending in assholes to make Chicago seem wholly unappealing. Destroying the third largest city in the country seems like a less than elegant solution.

Or is it just that it’s been 8 years so it’s time to blow some shit up?

Sadly, somewhere someone thinks this is a legitimate case for believing that Chicago is getting nuked today. And someone else agrees.

After yesterday, I’m really worn out. Planning your demise is hard work, really. So today, I say whatever. Check in with me tomorrow and see if we’re nuked. If we are, someone needs to throw a naked keg party in my honor.


Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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  1. So, I’m pretty new to some of these memes, but shouldn’t it be “All your city are belong to us”?

    Now I will read your article.

    I am a Hedge

  2. @Elyse “Hey, don’t look at me, I’m just the Skepchick asking the questions. I’m also the one pointing out that there was no O’Leary cow.”
    Sure, sure. No Mrs. O’Leary’s cow, no missile hit the Pentagon, no Santa Claus. Next you’re gonna tell us that Georgina from Gossip Girl didn’t accidentally get “Raptured” off the set yesterday.
    *GASP* I’ve revealed too much!

  3. What irritates me about this is that the people who claim that they believe the rapture is really coming, don’t.

    If everyone who said “the end of the world is coming” really really believe it, then first of all phone networks would be completely obliterated by people calling their saved friends and making plans to meet up at Pizza Express at Main Street, New Jerusalem. These same people would wake up the next day, and either the apocolypse didn’t happen, or it didn’t take them with it. Either way, they’re going to be a totally emotional wreck.

    If they’re not, then they don’t really BELIEVE, they just mostly believe but they secretly think that it’s all a bunch of nonsense but are too afraid to say that.

  4. I can provide conclusive proof that the US Government will not nuke Chicago today. Maybe.

    Since 1995, major terrorist attacks on US soil have only occurred in years in which I gave birth to a son. Son #1 born 1995 = OKC bombing. Son #2 born 2001 = 9/11.

    I decided, for the greater good, to stop having sons. That way we’ll have a much safer America.

    You’re welcome.

  5. I was Skepchickless the past few days. I just followed that link. Yesterday, did it say the end was yesterday? I mean, I KNOW they wouldn’t change it, or nuthin’…

  6. I would suggest this numbering:

    #5 (something) = sell underpants on ebay
    #6 add another random event for hysteria (like swine flu or a cyber attack)
    #7 Profit

    Really, another profit opportunity was missed. Where are the emergency kits everyone should have had before today?

  7. Elyse-

    I was unable to finish reading your excellent post. It appears that I was raptured by an atomic bomb in the middle of it.

    This is an automated comment. Please do not respond.


  8. For some reason I can’t get over this: “Then she called me an idiot and pointed me to the site that says today is the day the US government nukes Chicago”.

    I do not understand how someone could be so deeply disconnected from reality as to say that and yet, presumably, still be able to tie their shoes in the morning and use a toilet unassisted.

    What the heck is going on in America? Is someone pouring goofjuice into the national water supply?

    Or should the mystification really lie at the doors of the media, who, it would appear, thrill, thrive, and profit from spreading this guff.

    Japan has its “game” shows; America has its woowoo.

    /shakes head in bafflement

  9. @SicPreFix:

    Yeah… that was a joke. She didn’t actually call me an idiot, and she didn’t actually believe we’re getting melted today.

    I just thought this version of the story was more fun than saying we were chatting in my facebook comments.

  10. @jtradke:

    It’s almost completely true… except that the insults were in jest and implied.

    I’m one of those people who doesn’t read past the first paragraph of a blog post that contains the words “chatting with husband’s co-worker” and “Facebook comments”. Unless someone is getting a beer bottle smashed on their head by the end of that paragraph, the rest of the post probably sucks.

  11. –President Obama is from Chicago.

    Nonsense! Has Chicago provided the long extended full complete honest-to-god jesus christ form birth certificate? No they have not.

  12. Unless someone is getting a beer bottle smashed on their head by the end of that paragraph, the rest of the post probably sucks.

    If you believed in GOD you wouldn’t have such a LUST for drunken HEDONISTIC violence.

  13. I was unable to finish reading your excellent post. It appears that I was raptured by an atomic bomb in the middle of it.

    Jesus came back as a nuclear weapon? Wow. And here I thought Zombie Jesus was cool.

  14. @jtradke:

    Maybe I’m off my game today… my response was supposed to be funny-ish.

    Oh well, I’d like to see you all have a sense of humor when everyone and everything you’ve ever known and loved is about to die a horrible melty death

  15. Why Chicago?

    Why 9/12 OR 9/22? Couldn’t it really occur on any damn day?

    If I have to die a horribly melty death sometime today (probably just after I’ve won the Illinois Lottery, goddammit), can large quantities of cheese be involved?

    (Just over four hours left until we set the Guinness record for world’s largest nachos!)

  16. @PeteSchult:

    I actually was wondering if this was some kind of viral marketing “hoax” thing.

    Unfortunately, 922warning is still up… so it could be honest or tongue in cheek. We’ll have to wait and see… or wait and forget.

  17. Whenever I hear someone claim that they know when the world will end, I just point out that thousands (probably millions) of people have made that same prediction throughout history, and they’ve had a 100% failure rate.

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