I’m on the mailing list for a day spa which I used once. Their emails, which I’ve noted here before, are almost always full of bull which annoys me, but today’s, whilst low on the quackery, made me laugh very hard indeed. It was headed “Unbeatable Value”, and if they’re talking about giggles then they certainly provided that, given the email cost me nothing.
Firstly, it was 996 words. Yep, a sales email that runs to nearly 1000 words. That’s a small essay in any universe except, perhaps, that of the quackery-loving detoxers who run the spa. I won’t print the whole thing because it’s tedious, but I have grabbed a few of my favourite bits for your amusement. All spelling, punctuation and stupidity is exactly as the original.
Imagine taking 30 minutes out each week, or, if you’re busy every other week, to relax and unwind?
It’s a question, because it has a question mark. But what’s the answer? Also, what’s the question? I did a double giggle at this one because the missing comma after ‘busy’ renders the second half of the sentence nonsense. If I was only busy every other week I’d have bigger problems than a back rub could cure.
Seriously imagine now how much better you would feel if you took 30 minutes out on a regular basis to enjoy a massage.
OK, I’m seriously imagining it. Ever so seriously. Now.
Would you feel happier? Would you feel better able to cope? Would you have more patience? Would you energy levels improve? Would you make better decisions because your mind was more focused? Would your body look and feel more toned?
No. No. Nope. No. Hell no. Definitely not.
You’re probably now thinking yes, that would be amazing but i don’t have the time or the money.
Oh. Sorry, I must have meant yes. Probably. But wait! Here comes the science bit!
Howver, if you’re working 40 hours each week then a 30 minute massage once a week would equate to 1.6% of your working week. Is that really too much to ask? If you come once a fortnight than that is ony 0.6% of your working week, and if the worse comes to the worse and you can only spare a visit once every 4 weeks then that equates to 0.3% of your working time.
1.6% of my working week sounds a hell of a lot. This is already the worst sales-pitch-backed-up-by-dubious-stats. But what about the cost?
With regard to the cost if your salary is Â£25k per annum then a monthly massage is going to cost you less than 1.5% of your earnings! not much now is it.
Oh the stupid. It HURTS. We’re in a recession, and apparently 1.5% of your earnings is not much (now-is it-no-question- mark). 1.5% of your earnings is not much for food, yes. Massage backed up by dubious claims of a better life, not so much.
Now is the time therefore thatwe want to make you an irristible offer on massage.
Mmm irristible. So irristible thatwe cn’t rsist.
AsÂ I saidÂ right at the top, this may not be for you, but if it does, act quickly because thereÂ are only 12 packages availableÂ and we are mailing out to over 6000 clients!
If it does what? What? I can’t stand the suspense! I am delighted to learn that another 5999 people are laughing at them, though. Delightfully, the email was signed off “Angel Blessings!”, a nod to the name of the spa and perhaps some sort of confirmation that the owners are into in more areas of BS than one.
I won’t print the rest, it’s babble. I had three choices today. I could have ignored the email. I could, as a professional marketing genius, have emailed with a very nice, constructive response and my business number. Or I could have laughed my head off at their chakra-realigning ignorance, sent the following reply, then blogged about it:
“I don’t think I’ve ever received such a badly-written, misspelled,Â poorly-constructed sales email as that. You are to be congratulated.”
I was fortunate enough to receive a reply, which simply said
Thank you for taking the time to provide your feedback.
Touche, morons, touche.