It appears I’ve finally come down with what the guys at work have officially dubbed “the crud” (which is basically some sort of horrible coldish virus that is currently making me feel like the inside of my head is full of liquid hot magma). It seemed to have pretty well made the rounds, and I thought I’d been lucky enough to avoid it, but alas, no, I was not.
So I’ve spent the past two weeks being slightly annoyed by my coworkers (whom I do love dearly) extolling the virtues of their various cold remedies (airborne, zinc, echinacea, nasal saline spray, vitamin c, blah blah blah). At this point I almost wish I didn’t know that none of this really works so I could take it and enjoy a blissfully ignorant placebo effect. Which brings me to today’s question/assignment:
Entertain me with your creative suggestions for dealing with this ailment. You can invent ridiculous cures, suggest diversionary tactics, or whatever you feel is appropriate. Help me!
Well, if your head feels like it’s filled with red hot magma, I found the “neti pot” thing to work. It’s basically a warm saline bath for your sinuses, and is far more effective than blowing your nose. It takes a little mental discipline to pour salt water into your nose and not drown, and the huge amounts of slimy, ropey snot pouring out of your head isn’t exactly pleasant, but I found it would keep my head clear for about 1/2 the day, and I would use OTC drugs after that. Not a cure, of course, but it did keep me cleared up enough to get some sleep, or go to work.
My favorite “remedy” however, is the hot toddy. Pour a good double shot of whiskey or brandy into a mug. Add a heaping teaspoon of honey. Squeeze about 1/2 a lemon into it, drop the lemon shell in. Add a cinnamon stick, and then top with boiling water. Insert nose in top of mug. (NOT IN LIQUID, ouch.) Inhale ethanol fumes. sigh. drink. It won’t cure anything but it will make your condition more tolerable.
To expel the malformed thetans that are giving you the crud, perform the following every 37.5 minutes exactly:
1. Snap your fingers 3 times, Broadway-style.
2. Bob your head like a pigeon, and chant “OO-ka OO-ka EE-ka NAY”
3. Spit.
The finger-snapping gets the thetans’s attention, and the chanting is actually their ancient mating call. Naturally, they’ll all rush to the source of the mating call, your mouth, and spitting ejects them from your body.
If you’re nervous about trying it for the first time, please feel free to record a video so we can, uh, evaluate your technique.
My actual cure involves an industrial belt sander, a 6.23″ AAA powered fuchsia vibrator, and a CD consisting only of “The Wheels on the Bus” ala Raffi on repeat for 6 hours.
…failing access to these items you can always go with the good old stand by of getting liquored up.
I recommend pouring a coffee mug of 1/2 Johnny Walker Black Label, 1/2 water, microwave on high until the bubble start bubble, then steep two bags of lemon honey herbal tea. add honey to taste.
…if you can’t get better you might as well turn that clogged sinus into a magic carpet ride. :)
1) Take all of your blood out of your body.
2) Place in microwave-safe bowl.
3) Put in microwave for 5 minutes on high, then 10 minutes on defrost.
4) Put blood back in body.
This cure will most likely result in the side effect of death – but there is a small chance you might survive and get superpowers…
Or leukemia, but at least you’ll be cured!
Or, just have a hot toddy.
A guy I used to work with told me once of a remedy that involves eating honey and wrapping yourself in wet bedsheets. He said it works every time, but it actually sounds like more of a hassle than putting up with the sickness.
I usually employ the ‘water and naps’ method.
My last-resort cold remedy of choice is Nyquil and tequila (aka a Bloody Hell). It doesn’t cure anything but by the time you regain consciousness the symptoms should have subsided. Best taken within falling distance of a soft place.
Into a large mug, combine the following:
2 ozs Jack Daniels
1 tblsp fresh lemon juice
1 tblsp honey
1 tsp sugar
fill with scalding hot tea.
Place a straw is the cup and the other end of the straw in one nostril. Inhale violently. Repeat in other nostril…if still conscious.
Or, if you are a wimp, try sipping it in front of a warm fireplace.
Add homemade chicken soup and saltine crackers if available.
Also, repeat the spiked tea recipe at least once every two hours. It won’t cure you but after a day or so, you won’t care about being sick.
Hope you get better soon :o)
@colddayinapril: haha, you totally deserve COTW. Although, ironically I have tried your remedy and not only did it cure my ailment, but when I woke up I somehow ended up speaking in tongues front row at a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. My only guess is that Jesus slipped a roofie in my Johnny Walker.
Am sad enough to post a real symptom easer:
Head over a bowl of just boiled water, towel over head and bowl together, for as long as you can stand. There is all kinds of gubbins (essential oil, Vicks, menthol crystals etc.), but it is the steam that does it.
With a hot toddy, proper whisky works better than the meths peddled by the Irish/North Americans.
I’ve also been known to spike SpaghettiOs & meatballs with hot sauce. Probably more of a comfort food than a home remedy, though.
If your problem is that you’re very stuffed up, I definitely recommend Afrin no-drip nasal spray, the stronger the better. Not a saline spray, but a good old-fashioned blast of chemicals you can’t pronounce.
It’ll definitely clear your sinuses, but the downside is that you’ll be blowing your nose every 10 minutes for the rest of the day (which makes me wonder why they call it “no drip”). So, when you buy it, be sure to buy some lotion tissues.
Also, if you use it longer than 3 days, it’ll prolong your congestion.
If you’re stuffed up and/or have a runny nose, go buy some cheap nasal spray. It works.I disagree with Bevans– I use it every time I get sick and it dries up my sinuses really well without dripping.
If you’re coughing, go buy some cough drops and basically have one in your mouth at all times.
In any case, drink water like there’s no tomorrow. Or drink lots of tea if you like. That usually seems to help me.
I haven’t tried it myself, but I expect amputation might work.
If your head feels like it’s full of hot magma, I recommend catastrophic thinning of the crust over one of your subduction zones. The resulting ash cloud may annoy your coworkers, though, so I recommend standing outside the rear entrance with the rest of the smokers.
@Bevans:
(which makes me wonder why they call it “no dripâ€)
Ah, that refers to what used to be called “post-nasal drip,” a condition which seems to have joined catarrh and ague in the Museum of Obsolete Symptoms. That’s where your excess mucus production runs down the back way, across your soft palate and down your throat. A side-effect of the old Benzedrine-based inhalers, I believe.
Hot magma in the nose? Here’s your chance to get into the profitable business of jewelry making!
One Nose Ring to Rule them all!
so, you guys are all awesome. i’m feeling better already (even if it hurts to laugh).
Not funny but effective: Musinex D (the version you have to get behind the counter cuz some people allegedly make meth from it.)
@Mully410: yeah…i’ve been taking claritin d. generally works pretty well, but it’s not knocking this bastard of a virus out completely.
Sushi. Quality, fresh sushi. With wasabe. With as much wasabe as you can stand.
Yeah, that’s what I want. I’m really hungry.
Give me a break, there’s only one cure. Matzoh ball soup. Sheesh.
My daughter had a mild cold a couple of weeks ago and was complaining about her ear hurting. She said so that an older could hear. He told me to put a clove of garlic in her ear overnight and she would be fine by morning.
I suggest you add sauce, mozarella, ricotta cheese to the garlic (and possibly a nice red wine). Leave this in your ear overnight and you will have a nice evening meal.
Good luck.
What makes you think that knowledge of inefficacy prevents a placebo effect?
There are lots of things that I know don’t work, but I still take them and they still work for me. It’s the human gullibility factor. (What? Is that just me?)
@DNAmom: do i top it off with an ear candle? :D
@Chakolate: well, i dunno…i have a very hard time convincing myself to do anything i know is ultimately pointless. it would be interesting to see a study of people knowingly taking placebos vs unknowingly taking them…has anyone done that?
also, i really hate the idea of giving money to the placebo-peddlers.
Placebos are easy. Buy a bunch of Mentos, and a very sharp Sharpie and write “Placebo” on them in very tiny letters. Almost as good as the real thing.
@carr2d2: Well, the neti pot actually does work. (I almost said, work like a charm, but I wanted you to realize I’m serious, here. And it hardly hurts at all.) So go get yourself a neti pot – ten bucks you won’t regret.