Advice for the Skepchick MILF-to-be

Last week, we here at Skepchick received an email from a reader who just found out, on Christmas Eve, that she and her husband are expecting their first skepling. While she is excited, she is also terrified. It’s hard enough to dodge Complementary and Alternative bullets when you’re the only target you have to worry about, but now you’re responsible for a brand new person who has absolutely no way to defend itself against any of it.

In fact, skepticism aside, pregnancy is scary stuff.  Its hard not to be overwhelmed.  Everyone you meet has “just one little piece of advice” that you absolutely will not survive pregnancy/parenthood without. Knowing what’s good information and what’s not is difficult and now you’ve got to figure it out when you’re barfing every 15 minutes and you’re running an hour late for everything because you can’t stop losing your keys. Dr Novella can quote studies all he wants about “pregnancy brain” being a myth, but for those of us who’ve delt with gestational mental retardation can tell you, it’s real and it’s unpleasant.

I have no idea if this reader has made any big announcements yet, so in the interest of privacy, so from this point on, said mom-to-be will be referred to as “Smitty” (for Skepchickal MILF-in-training).

First, let me say, on behalf of the Skepchick hive, congratulations!

Smitty wanted to know if the Skepchicks have any skeptical advice for navigating the pregnancy world, and asked if we had any resources we could recommend. The answer is yes. And there’s some really good news for the Smitties of the world – pregnancy advice is not hard to sort out.

Whenever you’re in doubt, your best resource is always your OB’s office. Make sure you have a good one. They’re used to dealing with pregnant women, your fears are not unique, and they are there to help. Don’t be afraid to call them. Don’t be afraid to ask a “silly question”. Don’t be afraid to sound like a whiner. Don’t be afraid to bombard them with questions. That is their job. If you haven’t called them to set up your first appointment, do that now.

One thing I can tell you is 20 to 30 years or so after having a baby, a woman’s ability to hear deteriorates. She will inevitably mishear the words I’m pregnant as Please give me outdated pregnancy advice and tell me every pregnancy horror story you’ve ever heard. This is especially bad in women with grandchildren (especially if their daughter or DIL took their advice, but even more so if she refused the advice and something terrible happened). So when someone gives you the advice to not look at a monkey because it will make your child hairy and stupid, feel free to explain, in your loudest voice (so they can hear you), “Medical science does not support that claim, but thank you for your concern.”  Prepare to offend anyone whose terrible pregnancy advice you refuse to take.

Honestly though, the good news is that most “bad” pregnancy advice you get is just stupid, not harmful. There is too much at risk when doling out advice that is potentially harmful to babies.

As far as resources go, there are lots of really good ones. The old standby is What to Expect When You’re Expecting. It does a bit of “catering to everyone” including granola new-agey moms, but I found the information to be solid, and the advice is kept up-to-date with the most recent edition published in April 2008. You can find most of what you’re looking for in the book, and it will help you to understand what’s going on with you and when to be concerned. It’s no substitute for your doctor, but if you’re looking for a good preggo primer, this is it.

The majority of bad pregnancy advice given has to do with labor and delivery. Smitty is a long way off from having to make any real decisions about what kind of birth she wants to have, but there are probably some readers who aren’t so far off. Smitty can come back and read this later.

Don’t worry too much about what kind of birth you want to have. The Natural-birth movement people are going to try to make you feel guilty about not choosing a “natural birth”. Whether that’s home-birth, bathtub birth, medication-free birth, or orgasming during birth. Don’t buy into it.  Too much emphasis is placed on the “miracle of childbirth”. The reality is that without modern medicine, in places like sub-saharan Africa for example, 1 in 16 women die from pregnancy. Reality: that we now can have safe and painless deliveries is the “miracle”.

You’re going to be exhausted, sweaty, and hormonal like nothing you can imagine. (When I was in labor I was livid that people were talking in my presence, and got even angrier if they stopped… then wanted to kill them when they started again.) The important part of the delivery is that everyone gets through it alive, uninjured, and healthy.  A home birth can seem very romantic. Your baby is born in his home, his very first surroundings are his own – his bed, his room, his blankets; his family is surrounding him. He doesn’t have to spend the first moments of his life in the sterile birthing room of a hospital where they’re charting and documenting everything so later they can nickle and dime you and your baby. This is a very sweet notion when things go well, but delivering a baby can – though not usually, not rarely either- turn into a life-threatening medical emergency for the mother or baby or both. While it’s still the exception to the rule, it happens. And in those situations you may not have time to get an ambulance to the house and get mom and baby to the maternity ward in time.

Remember: your doctor and hospital have nothing to gain and everything to lose by letting something go wrong.

Things will likely go fine, but let’s face it, once that bugger is in there, there aren’t too many ways to get him out. Things don’t always go as planned. Don’t let your child’s birth be your statement against the medical establishment.

Now you’ve decided to get your butt to the hospital! Yay! Next issue: Are you a complete failure as a mother if you choose to not tough it out and you get some of that sweet sweet pain medicine shot into your back? No, you are not. There are women out there who will try to guilt you into not getting pain meds. They will try to scare you into not getting them. They will try to convince you that strong women suck it up and wimpy women can’t take it. Don’t listen to them.

There are pros and cons to getting an epidural. There are pros and cons to going the “feel everything” route. In the end, they cancel each other out. They’re equally safe… but only one offers you the chance to not be a crazed demon writhing in pain. And I don’t care what anyone says about the pain being “not that bad”. Those people are filthy liars. It hurts. Worse than anything you’ve ever felt. I thought I could suck it up after living with gall stones for years, but I could not. (Name that logical fallacy. If you guessed Argument from Ignorantus Pregnantus Delusioni you are correct!) After my water broke, I was willing to have my gallbladder put back in my abdomen even if it meant having it shoved in, through my skin, with a soup spoon. Because that would be a downgrade in pain. Get the drugs.

The worst reason I’ve ever heard not to get an epidural: I don’t like needles. Seriously. If you’re not able to handle a needle, you’re probably not going to survive your vagina opening up to 10 cetimeters… then pushing out a 12 centimeter head. (Name that logical fallacy.)

Really, so much pressure is put on women to have a wonderful birth experience. You’re going to have all these plans. You’re going to have checklists. You’re going to have things you absolutely won’t do.  When I was pregnant, I refused to read anything regarding C-sections because, “I’m not having one of those.” I was going to have a “real birth”. Whatever that meant. But it was going to be perfect. I was going to tough it out, no pain killers. And I was going to push that puppy out, and jog out of the hospital the next day… wearing the jeans I wore in high school.

Turned out, Mr Moose was looking the wrong way and his giant melon wouldn’t squeeze out. My options were to:

A. Leave him in forever

B. Cut the kid out

I wish I had read something, anything, about C-sections. All I knew was what stuck in my head while spacing out during that portion of childbirth class.

Turns out, labor and delivery is a lot like your wedding day: most things go as planned, there are a few hiccups, you think you’re going to freak, you don’t, and in the end you remember almost none of it. Just don’t wear a white dress to give birth; you’ll regret it tremendously.

The other big issue you may deal with is alcohol. Everyone has an opinion on how much alcohol you can and should be drinking, and people are incredibly passionate about it. Don’t drink during your first trimester, no matter how many stories you hear about babies that “turned out fine.” It’s not worth it, no OB will say it’s okay. If your doctor does says it’s okay, get a new doctor.

After the first trimester, different doctors advise differently. Some say you can have a drink a week, some say less, some say none at all. If you desperately need a drink, discuss it with your doc. Personally, I think it’s a pretty simple sacrifice to make to not have booze for a few months. Certainly no harm will come from abstaining completely. If you do choose to have a glass of wine or a beer at some point during your pregnancy, be wary of where you do it once you are showing… strangers, failing to see the irony, have no problem telling you that you are a total asshole.

Other things no one tells you:

You may hate being pregnant. Even if you feel great physically. You may not bond with your baby. You may not feel overjoyed and amazed whenever your baby kicks. You may find it annoying. You may feel gross having a person inside you. This is not a sign that you will be a terrible mother. Once your baby is here, you will love it. But tell your doctor if you’re feeling depressed or having excessive anxiety.

You may not love your baby at first sight. You may look at your newborn and feel nothing. Even if you don’t experience post-partum depression, sometimes it takes time to bond. It will happen.

Don’t worry about “getting it right”.   Do your best to stay healthy, and things will probably be fine. Think about it – people have been making babies for almost as long as there have been people.

If it seems goofy, it probably is. You don’t have to read books to your fetus. Don’t put headphones on your belly and play Mozart or Beethoven or Handel or Chopin or Will.I.Am. It won’t make your baby smarter. It might wake him up and make him kick you, a choice to be weighed carefully as you may have a foot on your bladder or stuck up your rib cage.

You can totally play the pregnant card at the grocery store. If you don’t want to wait in line, put one hand on your back, arch and groan while you rub your belly with the other hand. Once the person in front of you is looking, wince. Usually, you can get cutsies. It’s always worth a shot. It’s also a great passive-aggressive way to make the guy in front of you feel like a dick if he’s arguing with the cashier about the 15 cents he was supposed to get off on generic 1-ply toilet paper.

And finally, you already know what’s bunk. Don’t take herbal medicine. Don’t go to a chiropracter. Don’t get accupuncture. Don’t drink raw milk or eat raw meat or cheese. Don’t expect magic crystals to protect you from harm. Don’t pay a psychic to tell you the sex of the baby. Don’t pee into a cup of DrainO… don’t drink DrainO… or pee. Really, if you’re already a skeptic, you probably have a better grasp on this than you think.

Now, Smitty, go get some rest. Get as much of it as you can now. And start planning a few romantic weekends with your hubby before your little one gets here.

Good luck and Congratulations!

Good links:

Womb to Bloom

What to Expect

Pregnancy.org’s cool fetal development calendar