Its not news that mayonnaise isn’t good for you.  Usually its not-good-for-you-ness is explained that mayo’s creamy deliciousness is just a whole lotta fat and artery cloggery.  But in the UK, mayo is far more dangerous than that.  Not only will it make you fat, but it will also turn you into a married gay couple with kids who love to make gay man kissy-face porn.

And now Heinz is using this information to spread it’s homosexual agenda across Europe in an attempt to subvert wholesome traditional family values and turn good Christian children into Satan-worshiping, pedophilia-loving homosexuals… or something.

How?  Through the power of advertising!

(Gay porn after the jump…WARNING:  completely safe for work)

Some people are saying, “This is not gay propaganda.  This is a funny commercial, and they’re trying to say that the mayo is so good you’ll think your wife turned into a New York deli man.”  But don’t worry about a thing, you handsome hunk of easily swayed heterosexual man, you.  That kind of forward thinking will not be pandered to.

Two hundred people complained, sending Heinz and their pink rainbow manvertisment running back to San Fransisco never to display their homoerotic lovery again in the UK.

What else could they do?  They’re just one multi-billion dollar corporation vs. almost a quarter of a thousand people.  That’s just under half the amount of complaints it takes to break up one of Rebecca’s parties at TAM.  Obviously, Heinz had their hands tied (and not in that good way that the gay people like.)

Come on, Heinz.  If you’re going to make a commercial with two men kissing, you need to at least consider the possibility that there are some people who are going to get their heteroman panties in a bunch.  At that point you need to say “to bloody ‘ell with ’em” and air the commercial anyway.  Or at least set a higher number for your pull-it threshold than 200.

Come on, 200 complainers.  Seriously, it’s a metaphor. Mayonnaise doesn’t make you gay.  Thinking your wife makes great sandwiches doesn’t make you gay.  If your kids ask, “Daddy, why are those two men kissing?”  Uncomfortable with telling them that gay people are real, you can answer, “It’s kind of a joke.  That’s supposed to be his wife.”  If your kids still don’t get it, say, “Yeah. It’s not a very funny joke.”

More upsetting to me is that the husband doesn’t even thank his Deli Man wife for making him the sandwich.  That and the fact that Heinz doesn’t even sell Moroccan Style Mayo in the US.


Elyse MoFo Anders is the bad ass behind forming the Women Thinking, inc and the superhero who launched the Hug Me! I'm Vaccinated campaign as well as podcaster emeritus, writer, slacktivist extraordinaire, cancer survivor and sometimes runs marathons for charity. You probably think she's awesome so you follow her on twitter.

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  1. That and the fact that Heinz doesn’t even sell Moroccan Style Mayo in the US.

    What the Hell even is “Moroccan Style Mayo”. I think I find that more disturbing than anything else in this story.

  2. My wife is in advertising and swears that you could get the Geico gecko pulled if you could get a dozen concerned citizens to complain loudly about it.

    I’m surprised they haven’t pulled those toilet paper commercials where the cute bears are literally shitting in the woods.

    They must have had long discussions about whether they would get away with it.

  3. Old habits die hard. It took me a long time, and meeting a lot of different people to get over it…and I would probably still squirm a bit watching to strange men french in front of me, at least until I got used to it.

    A friend of mine stayed in my room for several months (during the dot-bomb) until he could get another job and some $$ together. He and his boyfriend used to boink away at night; bothered me at first, but I got used to it (neither one was a screamer).

    I still eat Mayo, though.

  4. I find mayo to be far ickier than two men kissing. Also, no one has commented on the suspicious color and consistency of mayo? Let me be the first, here gos:

    With two men in the kitchen, are you SURE that the white goo on your sammich is really mayo?

  5. Kate:

    I did have a line in there about mayo being creamy and white then edited out in the interest of pseudo-cleanliness.

    No need for editing when it’s Friday night and all the dirty minded skeptics are online. :)

  6. Yeah, I find those toilet paper bears much more tasteless than this commercial.

    “Hey, Ain’t you fuggettin sum’m?” (How do you punctuate a New York “something”?)

    I thought it was kind of funny.

  7. Oh for the love of crying out loud.

    [sarcasm alert] I’m offended by this post, so I’m going to get 199 of my friends to complain to and that gives me the right to force you to take it down even though you live in America where you have free speech, but *I’m* offended so my rights supersede yours even though I can just not look at it.

    Ok, breathe…think about beautiful rainbows and the unicorns that excrete them…

  8. You should have seen the complaints for the bondage S&M couple selling Miracle Whip!

    I do see the gay tie in, as mayo always goes great with baloney in the can.

  9. I think it’s a funny advert. I find it funny mainly because English are never that affectionate sober. We have much more self control than that.

    In fact I’ve never heard an Englishman say “I love you” without getting drunk first and following it up with “you’re me best-ist mate in the whole worrl”

    Josh K. You didn’t mind two people having sex in the same room as you for a couple of months? Don’t you think that’s a bit inconsiderate on their part?

  10. If a sandwich can make me gay, I’d like one of what she had. hey, sex is great and all, but great food lasts longer (so long as you’re doing one wrong and the other right)

  11. @russellsugden

    Well, they weren’t noisy, so it wasn’t keeping me awake. And it wasn’t two people, it was my friend and his bf.

    When my housemate has company over, however, and he and his gf start howling up in his room… >:|

  12. I usually just buy the cheapest mayo on the shelf. But after I saw that commercial on O’reilly I dediced I would buy Heinz from now on. That commercial was just to damn funny and it made O’reilly so angry I laughed my ass off.

  13. Commentary on this ad from another blog…

    “I find the commercial offensive, but not for that reason. I find it offensive that the Mum still has to make the sandwiches, gets ordered about, gets no thanks, has to beg for appreciation from her husband, etc. And so, the commercial plays on the idea that it’s the Mum’s job to make the lunches for everyone in the family because they have to go off and do big important things like have an education or wear a suit and shout at people (I’m assuming). But then the ad is also saying that really Mum’s doing a pretty shit job, and wouldn’t it be so much nicer if you could get food prepared by someone who knows what they’re doing, ie a stereotypical vaguely ethnic – but not in a threatening way – sandwich artist, notably male?”

  14. i <3 mayo and men kissing each other and brits putting on american accents. funny ad…but the above comment is pretty much right on the money.
    but that’s just the state of affairs in advertising in general, isn’t it?

  15. Homoerotic it was not. Trust me.

    Funny though. Really some people have no sense of humour.

    Heinz mayo is actually pretty good. It’s kinda hard to find for some reason though given the brand name.

  16. If I ever get so housewifely that I’m standing over the kitchen counter with a mayonaisey knife saying “Aren’t you forgetting something?” so I can get a little kiss before The Head of The Home leaves for work …

    … somebody please shoot me.

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