All weekend I’ve been feeling really rough. Headache, exhaustion, sore eyes, painful skin. I just want to go to sleep. I can’t concentrate and I feel particularly dull-witted.
Here’s another fascinating fact about me. At the latest count, I have the following WiFi devices in my home:
My laptop, which I work on 18 hours a day
My hubby’s laptop
The Nintendo DS
Add to that hubby’s mobile, his Blackberry, the cordless house phones, the microwave, stereo, large LCD TV, the PS2, iPods, digital cameras and docking stations, etc, and there’s only one conclusion for my illness.
I am electrosensitive. From that link, I have all the symptoms:
- An unnatural warmth or burning sensation in the face.
- A tingling, stinging or prickling sensation in the face or other areas of the body.
- Dryness of the upper respiratory tract or eye irritation.
- Problems with concentration, dizziness and loss of memory.
- Swollen mucus membranes.
- Feeling flu like symptoms of headache, muscle and joint pains.
And it’s that simple. Ignoring the fact that I also have all the symptoms of an impending cold, I can join the ranks of the frustratingly paranoid ‘electrosensitives’ who are best (and least charitably) described as ‘neurotic idiots’. Fortunately Ben Goldacre is here to mock and inform in equal measures. Here’s his Bad Science article on the subject of electrosensitivity.
“There have been 36 such studies published to date. This is very active work. This field has not been neglected. Thirty-three have shown that the subjects were unable to tell if the signal was present or absent, and the other three were flawed”
So it occurred to me that as the symptoms of WiFi allergy bear a striking resemblence to the sniffles, we can simply declare that all colds are in fact electrosensitivity, and behold! the common cold is no more. Banished, just like that. I think it’s a good move, because colds clearly belong to a medieval age of natural illnesses, and it’s about time we updated our medical complaints to be a bit more hi-tech and trendy.
I’m off to remarket my handkerchief business as ‘radiation-extracting face shields’. Or I would if I wasn’t so ill…