Remember the Amazing Water-Spouting Miracle Tree? Sure you do. In fact, you’re still using it as inspiration as you try to figure out what caused my coworker’s window to start spouting nastiness.
Well, it’s time for the mystery to be solved. Both of them — why the hell not. I’ll give you all another day to take your best shot at the Evil Window explanation, but today we’ll bust open the Miracle Tree.
After SAWS [San Antonio Water Suplly] shut off the water meter, the flow of water stopped coming out of the tree, which has attracted many visitors.
Oh my! Could it be? The tree that “baffled experts” was just tapping into a water pipe? Who would’ve guessed that? I mean, besides ME, when I guessed the other day. Clearly I used my unique psychic powers to figure out a mystery that no “experts” could figure out before. Must be my Indigo child traits.
Of course, the fact that this is tap water with a perfectly logical cause means nothing to the dopes who are still eagerly licking it up. Literally.
“I stayed praying to the tree before I got the water and I put it on my back,” said Maria Martinez. “And on my neck and on my kneees. I was so excited. And when I put it on my back, I felt the pain relief.”
She is praying to a water pipe. Do you see this, people? A grown woman is attempting to communicate with and derive favors from a water pipe. She knows it’s a water pipe, but she prays to it anyway. This is what you get when you tell people it’s okay to believe in stupid things. This woman, who is probably just as nice and sane (for some definitions of “sane”) as your next door neighbor, lives in a world where utility infrastructure systems control the universe and warp the laws of physics. Wake up! Please, for the love of all that is holy or mundane, wake up. There is not enough passion in the world to waste it worshipping a damned burst water pipe. I want to grab this woman by the shoulders and shake her until something clicks inside her brain and she realizes that the world is so much better and more beautiful and more amazing than tap water coming out of a tree, but it’s way too late for her and all the other people who refuse to see the obvious truth of the situation and continue to waste their prayers on a pipe. But it’s not too late for millions of kids, who are currently growing up either with the knowledge that the world is an incredible toy box of wonders waiting to be discovered or else with the unwavering belief that whatever absurd fantasy they like can be true if only they have enough faith. The former will be doctors and scientists helping to make the world a better place, and the latter will be praying to a fucking pipe.