Politics

#GOPDebate Liveblog: The Stuff Nightmares Are Made Of

Remember that OK GO song, “Here It Goes Again“? I’ve had it stuck in my head all week, thanks to there being three damn debates (overkill much?). It’s endless election déjà vu, all the time. My nightmares are filled with disembodied Trump heads, things falling off of Cruz’s lips, while Marco Rubio taunts me from that oversized chair, his eyes solid black. Just the worst.

Anyway, there’s another GOP Debate tonight, and I just can’t wait to see how many times the candidates reference their dicks. Watching them trip over themselves to see who can be the Best Vulgar Racist has replaced baseball as our new national pastime, and as a Good American, I must join in. You can join us here, or on Twitter (@skepchicks). Here’s what you need to know to follow along on this terrible journey:

When:  

Tonight (3/10/16), Pre-Debate at 8:30 PM ET, Debate at 9 PM ET.

How to Watch:  

  • On TV: CNN is hosting and broadcasting the debate, and it will be simulcast on CNN International and CNN en Espanol.
  • Livestream: CNN will be streaming it on their site and mobile app (iPhone & Android)

Just like last night’s Democratic Debate, tonight’s Debate is taking place at Miami Dade University in Florida. There are 99 delegates up for grabs here on Tuesday, and Rubio will be #thirsting to prove himself in his home state. If Rubio doesn’t perform well here, I’m not sure he can justify staying in the race to a GOP establishment that is trying to narrow the field to defeat Trump. But Rubio seems stubborn! Perhaps he will chug along until July, praying for a brokered convention. After a nominee is named, Rubio will show up at every debate, looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway, begging Donald Trump to name him Veep (Trump will have already named Sarah Palin, but Rubio doesn’t care). What a mess.

As always, we’ll be here, weeping for the demise of our country and chugging whiskey. Join us, I guess?

10:02 PM:

Honestly I don’t even care about these people’s prepared closing statements, they are all terrible. Here is tonight’s final gif recap!

9:56 PM: 

Honestly, y’all, I’m going to miss the Kasich Karate Chop when he inevitably fades from the public memory:

9:51 PM: 

Last gif recap of tonight’s GOP debate:

9:51 PM: 

CNN knows that Rubio’s willingness to be bipartisan is NOT a selling point to voters. Is this yet another strategy to push him out & narrow field? Sorry guys, I love political conspiracy theories.

9:46 PM: 

Anytime Rubio opens his mouth, I’m just like:

9:44 PM: 

Only sixteen minutes left, but maybe this Cruz/Trump kerfuffle will lead to some fisticuffs yet.

9:40 PM: 

The CNN moderation tonight has barely stopped short fellating each candidate. Shoddy journalism.

9:36 PM: 

Trump segues into a narrative about “aggressive black people,” saying that (paraphrase) “these protestors are bad people who did bad things.” Then he turns it into a #BlueLivesMatter spiel. And of course CNN just lets it slide.

 9:33 PM: 

Of course, the question is completely milquetoast. “Do you think you might have maybe done something to cause this?”

Trump: “Oh dear, my goodness, I hope not!” <blushes>

9:32 PM: 

FUCK YES, we are finally asking Trump about violence at his rallies.

9:28 PM:

Commercial break gif recap time!

9:26 PM: 

Ted Cruz using “AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI” as a scary-sounding racist dogwhistle is my new nightmare.

9:23 PM: 

That Rubio answer on climate change was undoubtedly one of the worst things I’ve heard all night:

9:22 PM: 

Rubio taking a strong “America is a country” stance.

9:22 PM:

Apparently nobody told Rubio that “rammed down the throat” is a thing he needs to stop saying.

9:20 PM:

Rubio is asked whether he will acknowledge the reality of climate change. His response is basically, “Sure, but it’s same shit different day.”

9:15 PM:

Trump: “I have many friends.”

9:10 PM:

Conspiracy theory I just cooked up: Is making Trump “boring” the new GOP strategy? They clearly imposed some sort of civility guidelines on this debate. It kind of makes sense, honestly. Trump is nothing without his rhetoric & ability to insult.

9:06 PM: 

Trump sounds bored. Like that kid who begged for a toy, finally gets it, and doesn’t care. Except the “toy” here is the GOP nomination.

9:04 PM: 

Sorry for the lack of liveblogging, I went to chug a bottle of whiskey after listening to these people debate Israel/Palestine.

9:00 PM: 

This is absolutely true:

8:56 PM:

Cruz: “We’ve never targeted innocent civilians and we’re not gonna start now.”

8:54 PM: 

Was the trade-off for tonight’s “civil” debate that they’d handle the candidates with kid gloves?

8:50 PM: 

Trump says Islam is terrible for women. In that regard, he sounds like many leaders of New Atheism!

8:49 PM: 

Trump: “There is tremendous hate.”

No self-awareness, y’all.

8:46 PM: 

Mods: “Do all Muslims hate America?”

Trump: “Well a lot of ’em do!”

Crowd: <applause>

Mods: “Wanna clarify that?”

Trump: “Nah.”

8:42 PM: 

Commercial Break! That means it’s gif recap time:

8:41 PM: 

Trump told he can’t insult other candidates so he insults everyone else: “Boring” Democrats, “stupid” trade. It’s killing him.

8:39 PM: 

Mods: “What should the Republican Party stand for in 2016?”

Trump: “Jobs.”

Cruz: “Trump is right. But I still hate him.”

8:35 PM:

Trump: “I have to be civil, so I’m going to invoke Sheriff Joe Arpaio to remind you all that I’m an enormous raging racist.”

8:25 PM:

Trump: “The Democrats are very boring. Not a single dick joke among them. Losers.”

8:21 PM:

Question for Rubio on Social Security: “What should the new retirement age be, and how should benefits be cut?”

“My mom is on social security!”

8:18 PM:

Trump: “I don’t like Common Core cuz Federal Govt!”
Mods: “But states adopt it on their own???”

8:13 PM:

Kasich on immigration: “We lock our doors at night at home, we should do so for our country, too!” Also, America should ALWAYS turn the stove off.

8:10 PM:

Mods: “In late ’14, Disney laid off workers in Orlando & moved jobs overseas. You support the visa program that let this happen.”

Rubio: “Well, Disney did it wrong.”

8:05 PM:

Mods: “Trump, the way you run your campaign is different than how you run your business.”

Trump: “What?! I’m an asshole in business too!”

8:03 PM:

First question, directed at Kasich, is trade deals. He says he will shut down trade deals that harm American workers.

8:03 PM:

“This is exciting,” Trump says, in the most monotone voice he’s ever used.

8:00 PM:

Jake Tapper tells the candidates, “Please wait your turn and don’t talk over each other” because this stage is full of toddlers.

8:57 PM:

Sebastian de la Cruz was a way better National Anthem choice. #SorryNotSorry

8:50 PM:

Ten minutes! Whiskey at the ready!

8:49 PM: 

Priebus: “Can’t you agree that any candidate on this stage would be better than Hillary Clinton or socialist Bernie Sanders?”

No. No, we can’t.

8:46 PM: 

Reince Priebus is now onstage, presumably to shed his human skin and reveal the lizard underneath.

8:40 PM: 

CNN seems to think this debate will be less inflammatory than previous debates. Is there absolutely any evidence to back this up?

 

Alex Rudewell

Alex Rudewell

Alex Rudewell is an intersectional Buddhist feminist. Her myriad talents include clogging your social media with pictures of her chihuahua, and occasionally her begrudging cat. If that sounds like your cup of tea, you can follow @alexrudewell on Twitter.

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