Purity Bear Sez: Keep It in Your Pants

Purity Bear Sez: Keep It in Your Pants

I debated whether or not to post this, because let’s face it: it’s way too easy to pick on conservative Christians who make earnest videos using teddy bears to tell us how cool chastity is. But in the end, fuck it, it’s Friday, and also this is a product of the Liberty Counsel, assholes who think gay people, feminists, and science-based sex education are destroying America.

“I know she’s cuddly. Look at me, I”m cuddly.”
-Purity Bear

The kids who made this video do not know what to do with either 1.) girls or 2.) teddy bears. Or both.

This is a promotion for the Day of Purity, the most boring holiday since Arbor Day (yeah, I said it. Bring the hate, tree-lovers). According to the “about” page, the Liberty Counsel hopes that you’ll spend the Day of Purity (“Valentine’s Day or the previous weekday”) ignoring gay rights groups that tell you it’s okay to have sexual urges that disappoint Pat Robertson.

You can also spend the day spreading a little fear around. Here’s a sample flyer they provide, which includes statistics on STDs like:

A teenage girl has nearly a 50/50 risk of getting HPV in her first sexual relationship, (46 percent) according to BJOG : An International Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology.

You can remember that the next time you read a press release from the Liberty Counsel that argues against the HPV vaccine. They don’t hate mandatory vaccinations because of preserving their religious freedom – they hate them because they’d take away their star statistic in their fear-mongering flyer. If you can’t scare girls with HPV, how on earth will you ever stop them from having sex?

And not just sex “before marriage,” either. This statistic is about the first time a girl has sex. HPV doesn’t magically disappear when marriage vows are exchanges, you know. Better to just never have sex at all, I guess.

Then there’s this:

In 2006, 750,000 teenage girls became pregnant and 32 percent of those pregnancies ended in abortion. Sexual activity among teens is a strong and significant predictor of decreased academic results. One report shows that sexually active teens are:

? almost three times more likely to be expelled or drop out of high school;
? 50 percent less likely to attend or graduate from college; and
? More likely to not graduate from college by the time they turn 30

Who knows what report they’re talking about, there, but they come close to the truth: teen pregnancy leads to girls dropping out of school. Not sex. You know what prevents pregnancy, besides not having sex? Contraceptives. You know how many times contraceptives are mentioned in this flyer? Zero. Zero times. Contraceptives are for the devil.

Anyway, there’s lots of enraging bullshit to dig through on the Day of Purity site. When you’ve had enough, come back and watch this “purity” video as a palette cleanser:

(Daniela sent us that . . . it was apparently an ad for MTV.)

Rebecca leads a team of skeptical female activists at Skepchick.org and appears on the weekly Skeptics' Guide to the Universe podcast. She travels around the world delivering entertaining talks on science, atheism, feminism, and skepticism. There is currently an asteroid orbiting the sun with her name on it. You can follow her every fascinating move on Twitter or on Google+.

69 Comments

  1. Isn’t it funny how such moral people are such cheerleaders for the spread of disease? Could it be any more plainly obvious that the reason they oppose the HPV vaccine and condoms and abortion is that, while they might save lives, they would also enable people to have sex FOR FUN! THE HORROR! Clearly preventing disease, saving lives, and enabling women to live lives of their choosing are well worth sacrificing to prevent the horrible sin of doing what 90% of people have been doing since the beginning of time* – pre-marital nookie! Which I might add is not any any way proscribed by the Bible. In the page after page of old testament commandments, where no potential offence, including bestiality, tattoos, and consuming shellfish, was missed, there is not one word suggesting that there is anything wrong with having sex while unmarried.

    *Statistic entirely made up, but I believe it.

  2. I swear, these kinds of groups are just … so clueless.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pedobear

    • I was actually thinking it was time for a throwdown;

      CAGE MATCH!

      Purity Bear versus Pedobear

      It’s not looking good for Purity Bear

      • To be fair, I think Purity Bear is just Pedobear in disguise. A very flimsy disguise.

        • Nah, Pedobear would be saying “She’s too old! Ask if she has a younger sister!”

  3. But… But… Angiosperms!

    • Trees are sluts and proud of it.

      I don’t think this article belongs on a reputedly skeptical blog. Where is the evidence? Where is the data? Do you have any proof that Arbor Day is more boring than the Day of Purity? It’s 10 months between April and February. Surely there has to be some more boring holiday during that time period. Beside, Arbor Day has planting trees, and we all know what that really means. Purity Day has none of that fun stuff. I submit that the Day of Purity is actually more boring than Arbor Day.

      P.S. Have I used up the Internet’s supply of Italics yet?

  4. They claim reality will destroy America basically. Honestly, their “vision” of America should be destroyed as quickly as possible.

  5. “The kids who made this video do not know what to do with either 1.) girls or 2.) teddy bears. Or both.”

    Somebody please change the ending of this to a clip of the boy fucking the bear.

    The audio should still be “now this feels right.”

  6. Well, technically, if they both wait until marriage (apparently at 16 as portrayed in the video) there is a close to zero percent chance of getting HPV. So the whole “Better to just never have sex at all, I guess” is kind of undeserved snark for a one minute video that has more snark per second than any I have witnessed in a long time.

    Gah, did I just defend that video? I feel dirty. Time for a shower.

    Also, I like how they had the whole Adam/Eve thing going with Eve as the temptress and it’s up to Adam to resist. But that would make the bear the serpent. And the serpent is evil. So the kid shouldn’t listen to the bear. Quick have sex with her! And use a condom!

    The bear, however, does make a good point. Who hasn’t rubbed one out into their teddy bear after feeling a bit randy after a date?

    • I’mma go hide my bears now, thanks. That’s what SOCKS are for, jeez…

  7. Am I alone in feeling somehow violated by watching this? I mean, did the bear try to seduce him with the whole “Look at me, I’m cuddly” thing? Also, this is a very good lesson on what happens in real life. They hadn’t aged at all in the wedding shot, so they probably got married the Tuesday after he was propositioned by a teddy bear, had sex, then realized how stupid it was for them to take the advice of pedobear. Yeah, great lesson.

  8. So, they’re furries is what they’re trying to say? I’m confused.

  9. I only feels appropriate to watch Lonely Island’s “I Just Had Sex (ft. Akon)” after all that…

  10. The door they are standing in front of says “please use front entrance” me thinks it to be a homophobic subliminal.

  11. OK, so Day of Purity may be a terrible “holiday” forever. But I think we can rescue Arbor Day. Isn’t that the holiday that’s all about going out into the woods and having sex with, in, or near a tree? BAM! Holiday fixed.

  12. I have met two guys who first learned how to masturbate by grinding against their pillows, I have met THREE who first learned how to masturbate by grinding against stuffed toys (as for me, balloons from 10 -12 until I realised that fingers weren’t just for practical means.)

    So isn’t this video just saying, “I know you want to do her, I know you really, really want sex but why not just come home and squirt over your toys instead.” ?

    • You have oddly detailed knowledge of how various people in your life first learned to masturbate… ;-)

      • Captainchaos, in my defense, I think learning about your sexual partner’s history of, and discovery of sexuality is a decent way to approach actual intercourse. Those early days of not knowing what to do, so using anything to do it are kind of open topics as far as I’m concerned when I’m talking with friends or fuck buddies (or both)

  13. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who thought of Pedo Bear. :/

  14. Maybe they should have used The Holy Avenger instead

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wl-oU0_PKAY&feature=player_detailpage#t=65s

    but then again he is being played by Nathan Fillion, and I don’t know anyone who can make panties drop faster than that guy

  15. Hmm. Kids, sex and bears.

    This cannot have a happy ending..wait, what?

  16. Bring the hate, tree-lovers

    My garden is filled with edibles, all the trees bear fruit. In my humble opinion it is not good to transplant trees that are flowering. I prefer late winter, no later than February, and never in April.

    So I am with you on ignoring Arbor Day. With the care fruit tress require, I usually have a few arbor days per month.

    Oh, and holy rollers who talk about abstinence have disgusted me since I was sexually assaulted by one when I was seventeen years old.

  17. One more thing: that bear is NOT CUDDLY. Not in the least. He is ‘anti-cuddly’. If Chucky from the horror movies had sex with a bear, the resulting terrifying progeny would look slightly more cuddly than this bear.

    Speaking of progeny, what if this acting-challenged bear just wanted to make a move on the young lady himself? What if 7 months after that wedding, she gives birth to cubs?

    Too much horror, too many unanswered questions.

  18. I know I miss the point a lot. I’m supposed to be horrified right? Because I am .

  19. Am I the only one who is annoyed by these groups using “purity” to describe sexual abstinence? Making sex “impure” is just another way of making their crusade seem justified. (and isn’t it “poisoning the well”, by the way?)

    (also… in the second video, it strikes me as funny that the girls are also singing “I love Laura”)

  20. Surely, Purity Day is pretty much the opposite of what a good holiday should be. An anti-holiday, if you like.

    A good holiday is a day where you celebrate by doing fun stuff that you just can’t do every day. On Purity Day, you’re apparently supposed to not do fun stuff that you could do every day. Like a normal day, only not as good! Yeah, kids, it’s time for Purity Day!

    • Maybe a secular version of Beltane would be an appropriate antidote.

  21. Dearest Rebecca,

    Arbor Day boring?! What bare branch of humanity did you fall off of? I may be time for you to take a leaf of absence.

    Sincerely,
    A Real Son of a Birch

    ;p.s. My bark is worse than my bite!

    p.p.s Liberty Counsel, kiss my root ball.

  22. I want to see the outtakes from this where the kids are all BWHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! then dry hump on the ground and the director is all like CUT! And the kids are like *throat clear* sorry.

    Take 2:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    Dry humping threesome with bear
    CUT!

    Take 3:

    Boy grabs girls boobs. Makes honking noise.
    Girl smacks boy with bear.
    CUT!

    Everyone takes 5 for a cigarette, cocaine and glory hole break.

  23. The most creepy part in the film is when the bear shows up behind the boy’s back. He is not cuddly at all, but looks rather filthy and perverted.
    Besides, from the context it is pretty obvious that they were not going to have any kind of filthy, dirty, perverted sex, but would, at most, make love to each other. Most probably, however, they would not even do more than kiss.
    Finally, since when does it automatically follow that when a boy and a girl, or a man and a woman, are alone together, they are going to have sex? People who like one another, even if sexually attracted to each other, may, for instance, just engage in a conversation. My best friend is a female, and when we are alone together, we keep talking all the time. Yes, this is possible: a man and a woman just talk to one another for hours when they are alone together! Hard to imagine, isn’t it?

    • The “My parent’s aren’t home” is the signal that they aren’t going inside just to talk.

  24. ^ make love??? Oh no, it would have furtive, horribly awkward sex as only the religiously repressed can have. Hallucinating bears is vastly less horrible than 30 seconds of sex, following by 2 hours of crying and begging god to forgive you. Um…not that I speak with experience or anything.

  25. It appears to me that that ephebophilic bear is trying to bs the boy into leaving so he can have his perverted way with the girl.

    Bear cubs indeed.

  26. It occurs to me that we are assuming it’s the girl the bear wants for himself, but it’s the boy he’s trying to scare away from girls.

  27. You fucking anti-tree female animal. I hope somebody has non-consensual intercourse with you.

    • I assume you meant this as joke (I hope) but seriously? Rape? Wow.

      • It was a joke, but I guess there was no way to execute it well. I apologize.

        • That joke would have been inappropriate anywhere so I have no fucking idea why you thought it’d go over at all well here.

    • Yeah, that comment was totally out of order!

      • I don’t think it was meant to be a joke, or funny. Block the idiot.

        • I’ll second that. Rey Fox, if you really were trying to make a joke…just don’t, OK? Not until you have more of a clue.

    • What the fuck is wrong with you?

      • aaaand, now once again, due to the threaded layout, it’s damn near impossible for anybody else to figure out who said what to whom and when.

        Suggest we don’t all pile on cos RF has already apologised.

        We await the richly deserved fall of the banhammer.

        Sorry for the double post! And I agree totally with your comments, just this layout is getting on my wick!

  28. It’s dishonest when they act like their only concern is for girls’ safety, e.g. “Don’t have premarital sex, because you could get an STD.” It’s like when religious people claim to oppose the teaching of evolution on scientific grounds. Just admit your real objection is that evolution contradicts Genesis. While you’re at it, admit your real problem is the supposed immorality of premarital sex.

  29. I…what?

    The bear is something that’ll haunt me. If someone whispered that in my ear I’d take them apart before I realized what I was doing.

    Just…*shudder*

    The second video was really funny, though. Especially since in some cuts it looked like most of the singers were getting bored.

  30. Fortunately, Kerri Kenny of The State is available to teach youngsters what to do when Purity Bear rears his creepy head.

  31. “I know she’s cuddly. Look at me, I”m cuddly.”

    … Said the creepy man with the deep voice, kneeling down behind the boy where he can appreciate the boy’s bum.

    What are the odds that man is a priest?

    Alternative joke:

    Yes boy, ignore the pretty girl, instead you should cuddle the man with the stuffie fetish. Are they really against the gays?

  32. ‘I know she’s cuddly, but look at me, i’m cuddly.’

    so… they’re advocating having sex with stuffed animals then? or are they equating a human woman with an inanimate object?

    and you can kinda see the guy trying not to burst out laughing, and he’d be right to do so… this is ludicrous!

  33. I found something much more fun to do with bears.

    Just saying.

  34. Here’s the bear all those horny kids need.
    http://www.cafepress.com/+sex_safety_teddy_bear,366667752

  35. BTW, I kinda thought sex w. bears (pre-marital or not) was a no-no too?

    Are you even allowed to marry a bear?

  36. I swear, this video makes me want to start teaching my 12 year old how to get a girl into bed within 12 hours of meeting her.

    On that note, does anyone here know how that’s done?

    • How what is done? Get 12 year old girls into bed within 12 hours?

    • For joined conversation about bears, right?

  37. I AGREE that the video of Purity Bear is pretty creepy.
    It’s also poorly shot. The audio is poor at best.
    It’s edited awkwardly. The clips are too long in the segment. Oh well.

  38. Those Spanish kids are so wholesome, how can you not support their message?

  39. But you have to give them extra-credit for this pair of lines:
    She: I like you a lot, you’re not like the other guys.
    He: I like you a lot, too, you look pretty.

  40. Uh… Second video seems to be suggesting the guys are going to wait until *someone else* destroys the girls flower? Well, I know statistics indicate that men and women tend to prefer people with some experience, as in prior sex partners, but.. somehow I think the video misses the point… lol

    • Oh, yeah, and that is without, as I posted some place else on the subject, the clear possibility that a) she might have a bacholerette party with the “Dancing Bear” (kind of solves the problem proposed by the second video), or she gets fed up with guys and starts filming pron with other girls, and the toy panda in certain videos… Uh, “stupidcams.com”, and search on “panda”, then look for the last few videos on the page. lol

      No idea if there is a version for guys, thus explaining the freaky bear in the video, but I do seem to remember, like 10 years ago, stumbling over some pictures I would just soon forget, in that line. :p

  41. Wow. If I were in her place I’d say “WTF? I’m worth the wait??? I invited you into the house, asshole, not into my pants. You might have gotten that invitation a little later on, or you might not, but it’s pretty damn rude of you to assume it. Yeah, I think you should go. Now.”

  42. She: I like you a lot, you’re not like the other guys.
    He: I like you a lot, too, you look pretty.

    Didn’t Peter Parker and Mary Jane have this same conversation once, or twice?

  43. aaaand, now once again, due to the threaded layout, it’s damn near impossible for anybody else to figure out who said what to whom and when.

    Suggest we don’t all pile on cos RF has already apologised.

    We await the richly deserved fall of the banhammer.

  44. I really can’t understand how anyone could have possibly thought this video was convincing in anyway. As lots of people have stated, that bear was emphatically not cuddly. It looked like one of my dog’s toys. But even if it were, so what?

    Could you imagine this video trying to stop people from eating unhealthy foods?

    Talking pencil sharpener: I know that bag of potato chips is full of crunchy shavings. I’m full of crunchy shavings….

  45. I wonder why the videos are always so amateurish. Yet the organisations behind them are professionally organised, well funded and powerful. Astroturfing?

  46. It’s not only young students who try to convince us about an alternative lifestyle when it comes to sex.
    SexRevoluion.se made this video:

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