2012: THE GREATEST REVIEW YOU’LL EVER READ
Bam! Boom! Explosion! Building falling down on your head!Â VOLCANO!
Did you like that introduction to this blog entry? If so, then you’ll love 2012, starring John Cusack, Danny Glover, and your nutty aunt who sends you all those email forwards about how the cure for cancer was discovered by the Inuit in the 1800s but eaten by a whale that was brainwashed and programmed by the US government.
Here’s the thing: I went into this knowing what I was getting. I didn’t care about plot or dialogue, and in fact I hoped that it would be as insipid as possible to not distract from the billions of people being murdered in a spectacular fashion. 2012 is disaster porn, and I loved it. I got to see a bunch of buildings blow up, even more than past efforts like Independence Day and The Day After Tomorrow. Hell, they even destroy the Vatican. The Vatican!
So yeah, if you’re a twisted fuck with low expectations like me, you’ll like it.
Of course, some skeptics and scientists may scoff, so here’s a review for all of you rational folks who are wondering if this is for you. If you’ve never seen a movie like this before, then mild spoilers follow.
The 2012 “Mayan Prophesy” bullshit* is in there, but it’s pretty lost amidst the eruption of the super-volcano beneath Yellowstone National Park. So it’s mostly like this:
MAN 1: The Earth is freaking the eff out man! We’re all gonna die!
MAN 2: You know, the Mayans and the Inuit and the, I dunno, some other religions and cultures totally predicted this or something.
MAN 1: Uh-huh that’s interesting LOOK OUT A VOLCANO JUST HAPPENED
MAN 2: AAAAAAH
MAN 1: AAAAAAAAAAAH
MAN 2: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Woody Harrelson plays a crazy Alex Jones/George Noory-type radio personality who lives in a camper in Yellowstone, where he does his show while eating pickles and probably jacking off to Bigfoot porn. Seriously, he’s crazy. He might be right, but he’s not the kind of person you (or conspiracy theorists) would possibly want to identify with.
Then there’s this whole subplot where OKAY KIND OF A BIG SPOILER ALERT SO SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH MAYBE the US government spends three years knocking off anybody who threatens to spill the beans about our incoming doom because they don’t want people freaking the eff out.
OKAY YOU CAN START READING AGAIN But come on, that is so completely ridiculous that if anyone tries using this movie to develop or support his boneheaded conspiracy theory beliefs, anyone who happened to see the movie would immediately laugh in his face and then call the cops to take him away to the funny factory.
Here is what men do in this movie:
- make up for being shitty fathers
- die heroically
Here is what women do in this movie:
- get rescued
- birth babies
- die tragically
Okay actually it’s not racist but I noticed something and wanted to put it out there. In this movie, all black people are related, or will be eventually. That is all.
So, yeah, basically there is nothing scientific about this movie and I’m sure Phil will break it down for you later, but basically everything is caused by MINOR SPOILER ALERT the sun? And solar flares? Sending neutrons through the Earth’s core, and this has totally never happened before but suddenly the neutrons are interacting with the matter? And making the Earth’s core heat up? Also at one point the entire crust of the Earth shifts by over 1,000 miles, which was SPOILER ALERT very handy because the characters were all like this:
MAN 1: Oh no we’ll never get there in time!
MAN 2: But that would be horrible because then we’ll all die in a truly terrib…
MAN 1: Never mind, we’re there.
MAN 2: But I thought
MAN 1: Crust moved.
MAN 2: Oh.
MAN 1: Yeah.
MAN 2: Cool.
Other Unbelievable Bullshit
SPOILER ALERT SO MAYBE SKIP TO THE NEXT PARAGRAPH So the entire population of the Earth is about to die, and only the really rich people and world leaders get tickets to safety. The Italian Prime Minister decides not to be rescued and instead “rely upon prayer.” Cut to the Prime Minister at the Vatican with a big crowd of people getting blessed by the Pope. This is the single most unbelievable thing in the movie, because you god damn know that with billions of dollars and a major ego problem, the head of the Catholic Church is sure as fuck not going to stick around to see the end of the world. He’s going to be praising science and stepping on the heads of AIDS babies to get to safety. Don’t believe me? Prove me wrong, Pope. Prove me wrong.
Well, there you go. Weigh all of that against the prospect of seeing some pretty awesome special effects showing billions of people die. For me, it’s an easy decision. I LOVE seeing CGI people bite it, so I really enjoyed it. During the lulls between death sequences, I busied myself by predicting what city would be destroyed next, and how, so it didn’t even bother me during those boring bits where people call each other on the phone and sob about how much they love each other.
Did you see it? Are you going to see it? Give your thoughts in the comments!
*Note to new readers: the world will not end in 2012 and the Mayans didn’t think so, either. The “end” of the Mayan calendar is like the end of your calendar. Go buy a new one and you’re fine.