Skepticism

Afternoon Inquisition 12.16

Sweet Darwin’s Beagle it’s been a busy week or two!  Even though lots of it was made of awesome,  still loads going on for me.  So much that I’ve been prone to daydreaming myself into the coolest, most creative jobs ever.  For example, yesterday when I was prepping the class I’m teaching today, I was thinking how much cooler it would be to be gearing up to tour with The Donnas.  (Do they need a new bass player?)  What about you guys?

Given the chance, which band would you tour with for a month?  What sequel would you write?  What movie would you remake?

a.real.girl

A B Kovacs is the Director of Døøm at Empty Set Entertainment, a publishing company she co-founded with critical thinker and fiction author Scott Sigler. She considers herself a “Creative Adjacent” — helping creative people be more productive and prolific by managing the logistics of Making for the masses. She's a science nerd, a rabid movie geek, and an unrepentantly voracious reader. She doesn't like chocolate all that much.

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  1. I have to go with…

    1) In This Moment (it satisfies both my love of metal and my love of beautiful women…)

    2) Would finish the Eye of the World series (and have the common decency not to die before I’m done.)

    3) I would remake the Passion of the Christ… But as a musical and and done in Pirate kitsch

  2. 1. None, can’t think of any current bands I’d want to tour with, and don’t think I’d enjoy touring anyway

    2. I’d write “The Subtle Knife”, the sequel to last year’s disappointing “The Golden Compass”. And I’d do it right.

    3. I think that I should start a studio called “REMAKE Pictures” where I’d be allowed to remake ANY movie that was a failure or dud at the box office. Enough remaking GOOD movies and ruining them… let’s remake crappy ones until we get them right!

  3. 1. AC/DC only because I want to see how they draw lots to decide which roadie is the one to make the giant blow-up doll pleasure herself each night.

    2. I would love to try a sequel of “The Incredibles.” It will be very sad if somebody doesn’t.

    3. I know this is sacrilege but “A Clockwork Orange.” I read the book and thought “wow, this would make a really cool movie.” Then I heard, oh there is a movie. So I watched and said, “He read this book and came up with THAT?”

  4. Seeing that I can only play a radio, I’d have to tour from the audience. In that case, Carlos Santana.
    I sure as Hell wouldn’t remake “The Day the Earth Stood Still.” That move has probably made most of the money it’s going to make. Everyone s/f fan I know panned it as an inferior remake with bells and whistles. I might give The Hitchhiker’s Guide movie another try, hewing much closer to the books than the most recent attempt. Or better yet, Star Trek XXXXXVI: The Search for Spock’s Walker.

  5. Band: Marian Call. No question. Sweet, nerdy, funny, and a heck of a musician. I’d be on cow bell.

    Sequel: Neal Stephenson’s _Snow Crash_. I’ve always felt there was more potential to explore those ideas if not necessarily the same characters. Of course if it meant skipping other things he’s written since, then no.

    Movie: _Rosencrantz & Guildenstern Are Dead_. It’s still one of my favorite plays, but the film could have been done so much better. I think I’m the only person on the planet who actually liked the movie. There’s some great stuff for the skeptic in there where Rosencrantz recreates some of the most famous science experiments of all time, but never draws the right conclusions.

  6. @Gabrielbrawley: Yeah, I’m in the same boat. He dies like a year or two ago, and I was so angry because I had already become convinced that he had no intention of ever finishing it. Guess I was right!

    I did recently hear that his wife plans to finish the series basd on notes he left behind. Don’t know how welll that’s gonna turn out…

  7. 1.Right now? Abney Park.

    2. A sequel to Poe’s “The Gold Bug” would be interesting. Sadly, probably only interesting to me.

    3. Carl Dreyer’s “Vampyr”. No, seriously. I had always heard that it was a movie adaptation of “Carmilla” and was a little, um, puzzled by the whole thing. “Really? That’s Carmilla?”

  8. I’d remake Expelled as a diatribe about how creationists shouldn’t be allowed within a mile of a science classroom. Then I’d start a band called No Intelligence Exhibited, and tour all over the country singing about how awesome our movie is. Finally, I’d write a book about the movie and the tour, and call it “Fear And Loathing In Tiny Little Hole-In-The-Wall Clubs Where My Novelty Band (About My Anti-Creationist Movie) Wasn’t Very Successful, But Was Still 100% More Honest Than Ben Stein.”

  9. Hmm… I think I would tour with the Cowboy Junkies. They seem so totally relaxed and cool with each other, and they’ve been at it a while. Besides, you know, Margo.

    Hmm… Sequel I would write… I would write another sequel to H. Beam Piper’s “Little Fuzzy” novels, in which the cute little guys get tired of being treated like 2 year olds and kill every human on Zarathustra, consuming their flesh in an orgy of outrage before stealing a spaceship and heading off under the leadership of Little Fuzzy in the sequel to Space Viking.

    I would remake The Postman, without Kevin Costner and with the Recombinants and the love interest.

  10. 1. Weird Al Yankovic. ‘Cause you know he gets all the hot nerd groupie chicks.

    2. The Terminal Experiment. Always wanted to explore what really happened to Detective Philo.

    3. Johnny Mnemonic. Remove Keanu Reeves, Ice-T and Henry Rollins and replace them with actors. Oh, and restore the Molly Millions character with the mirror lenses and razor nails, instead of that wimpy Jane character.

  11. 1. Jimmy Buffett. Then I wouldn’t need to wear shoes on stage, I could wear shorts and a Hawaiian t-shirt.

    2. Harry Potter and the Auror years. Not that I think I could do match J.K. Rowling, not that I think that it’s the bestest book(s) ever to do a sequel for — but DANG there’s be a LOT of money there.

    3. Night of the Lepus.

  12. @davew: Neal Stephenson’s _Snow Crash_. I’ve always felt there was more potential to explore those ideas if not necessarily the same characters. Of course if it meant skipping other things he’s written since, then no.

    ————-

    Actually, YT may show up in “The Diamond Age” as an aged Victorian Schoolteacher.

    “Chiseled Spam,” she says.

  13. 1) DEVO? I’m only a fan for, like, a week, but they’re pretty kick-ass.

    2) Dirk Gently doesn’t get nearly enough love, so I’d write a sequel to The Long, Dark Tea-time of the Soul. No clue what it’d be about, though.

    3) I’d remake Casablanca, but with only the German/French singoff scene, extended to the full running time of the original film. Failing that, maybe I’d remake To Have and Have Not, only instead of remaking it I’d go back in time and make it the first time, only in my version every scene other than the ones where Bogart and Bacall are flirting wouldn’t suck.

  14. @Expatria: I guess my film obsession caused me to read the second question as FILM sequel… since everyone else has been picking book sequels I’ll have to change my answer.

    I’ll go with a sequel to Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrell, because it’s just a hell of a wonderful book. It’s a historical novel, with the added alternative that magic exists and was used by the British to defeat Napoleon (amongst other things). And since we’re simply talking alternative history, there’s all sorts of room for sequels!

    Plus, I just like plugging that book every chance I get… not enough people know of it, and EVERYONE should! :)

  15. @Joshua:

    While I’ll agree that the movie has absolutely nothing to do with the book, I take exception to your statement that the non-flirting scenes suck. Two words: WALTER BRENNAN! How could anything with Walter Brennan suck? ;)

    “Say…was you ever bit by a dead bee?”

  16. Jethro Tull

    A third book to make Ilium and Olympus by Dan Simmons a trilogy. (Agree with sethmanapio regarding Snow Crash)

    Star Wars. Lets face it, good story but it could have been soooo much better with Ridley Scott and Paul Verhoeven hired to co-direct with me spending George Lucas’ money as producer.

  17. Actually… I brought up H. Beam Piper as sort of a joke, but I’m rereading “Omnilingual” on project gutenberg and there’s a great skepchick line:

    “That was true. She hadn’t thought of it, in that way, before, and now she tried not to think about it. She didn’t want to be a big shot. She wanted to be able to read the Martian language, and find things out about the Martians.

  18. 1) Erik Norlander. Kick ass Prog Metal and the best keyboardist I can find these days.

    2) Phantoms by Dean Coontz.

    3) I’d rather make a comedy based on Harry Potter starring Jay and Silent Bob titled “Harry Pothead and The Stoned Sorcerer”.

  19. For a band to travel with, I would say the Bangles, although Michael Steele was my fave and she quit the band. I’ve often said if they had come out at the same time as the Beatles, it would have changed my life. Maybe they could tour with Liz Phair too? =:-O

    For a sequel, I’d collect H.P. Lovecraft’s mythos and give it a Lord of the Rings treatment with continuity and an epic story in which the Old Ones win.

    For a movie, I’d remake Groundhog’s Day but with G.W. Bush as the main character and he can’t escape the loop until he admits he messed up and let the country down.

  20. @Expatria: Actually, it’s not the lack of anything to do with the book that bothered me. I haven’t read the book, and I’m not that in love with Hemingway. I just thought it was bad.

    Especially Walter Brennan’s character. Sorry, but it’s true.

  21. @Rebecca:
    Can I nominate you for your own COTW award?

    For me, I’d be touring with Crowded House. Which would be good because half the songs I can play on guitar are CH songs.

    Bible II, The Clarification

    I’d like to remake “The Lathe of Heaven” as a feature film. It has been done for TV a couple times now, with mixed results. It’s one of my favorite novels, and it’s short enough that you can really tell the story in a movie timeframe.

  22. 1 – No idea.

    2 – The Lord of the Rings IV. You know the one ring that ruled them all? Well it turns out that there is an even more powerful ring that rules that ring too! Sauron’s back, and this time it’s personal.

    3 – I’d like to preemptively remake the remake of the original Highlander that is currently in the works. Four rotten sequels was punishment enough… why ruin the only good Highlander film?

  23. @Detroitus: I haven’t heard anything about it since this summer, but apparently they’ve hired the scriptwriters from Iron Man to pen the remake.

    Blasphemy, indeed! There can be only one! And, dear lord, I’d hate to imagine what band the scriptwriters will chose to replace Queen in the new soundtrack.

  24. 1. I had a dream about this the other night. I was going of to play drums for The Who. It meant certain death at the end of the tour, (mysterious gardening accident) but it would be worth it.

    2. Penultimate Chance To See. The sequal Douglas Adams’ Last Chance To See. A tour of the world’s most endangered animals.

    3. I’m going to cheat a bit here. How about Red Dwarf? A movie based off the TV show. Cat, Kryten, Lister and Arnold Judas “Smeg-for-Brains” Rimmer. Now, which Holly?

  25. 1. Flogging Molly, I would be a roadie cuz I do that anyway.

    2. Can’t think of anything that needs a sequel.

    3a. Godspell. There’s a lot of talk about how it is really meant to be a dig at Christianity (it depicts Jesus and the disciples as clowns, there are no miracles or resurrection in the script, etc) and that’s the interpretation I’d go with.
    3b. Passion of the Christ, including the dead rising from their graves after the crucifixion like in Luke and Matthew. That movie could have used some zombies.

  26. 1) I’m a musician, and I absolutely hate being on the road, so I have to disqualify myself.

    2) Prequel, actually. I’ve been kicking around an idea for a book called Young Gomez Addams, about the ne’er-do-well son of a Gilded Age robber baron who a) has a falling out with his father, b) suffers a breakdown after a stint as an ambulance driver in France during the Great War, and c) subsequently travels travels around the world during the interwar years collecting misfits, weirdos, and monsters to be part of his new extended “family.” It’s a pity I can’t write fiction for crap.

    3) I would remake Amando Ossorio’s Noche del terror ciego (aka Tombs of the Blind Dead). Guillermo del Toro to direct. People need to stop remaking perfectly good movies, and start remaking interesting but flawed movies.

  27. Band: Wet Willie…or Pink Floyd…or Bob Seger

    Book: I cant read so this is irrelevant

    Movie: Underworld as a porn flick with me in the leading role opposite Kate Beckinsdale and I would call it Underwinkie. as in undersized winkie…Im so depressed…

  28. @Imrryr: Blasphemy, indeed! There can be only one! And, dear lord, I’d hate to imagine what band the scriptwriters will chose to replace Queen in the new soundtrack.

    ————-

    The Offspring. The Highlander will be played by that skinny guy who isn’t Johnny Depp from those Pirate Movies.

  29. @Imrryr: Four rotten sequels was punishment enough… why ruin the only good Highlander film?

    —————

    My son’s NICKNAME is Highlander (’cause my wife kept saying “I’m only doing this once”).

    Bill and Ted. The Highlander. Is there no end to the evil that film producers will do?

  30. @Gabrielbrawley: Technically, Highlander IV: Endgame, and Highlander V: The Source, are both tied in with the TV show. I think that Highlander V might have been straight to DVD, so it’s fair if you don’t count that one. I was able to watch exactly 17 minutes of number V before I had to turn it off… I’m just glad it didn’t cost me anything, apart from my soul, that is.

    @sethmanapio: Really? My money is on Nickelback.

    I can’t help thinking that there will eventually come a time when Hollywood starts filming remakes of movies that are still in theaters. “Hey, Dark Knight is selling really well, let’s get a remake started!” All it needs is a hot girl, a “hip” soundtrack, a slightly younger cast, and more car chases.

  31. 1) M83, but I don’t think I’d like touring with any band.
    2) The Matrix. The two sequels could have gone in a radically different direction, and still cater to the action crowd.
    3) Out for Justice: Somewhere in this Steven Seagal film is dramatic film. I’d like to try to dig that story out of the mess that is the original film.

  32. @QuestionAuthority
    I would have gone with Pink Floyd, but only if it was the original bandmembers that performed on Dark Side of the Moon…Sadly, that’s no longer possible.

    Too sadly true. I actually saw Floyd live here in Denver in I think it was 1975. They had just released “The Wall”. First half of the show was Dark Side complete. Then an intermission followed by them coming out and perorming the entire Wall album.
    That concert goes down in my book as the best live show I think I ever saw and I have seen some really big bands including the Rolling Stones, Led Zep, and ZZ Top. Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band is second because of the quality of their live performance. Also, I have to say that the Almond Bros put on a hell of a live show too. (the originals with Duane and Dickie Betts of course)

  33. I would love to remake the film saving private ryan and take out all the melodramatic nonsense that spoils 80% of the film.

    While I’m there I’ll remove spiderman 3 from history.

    Then I’ll remake starwars, call episode IV episode I instead and completely do away with the prequels.

    I’d also remake eraserhead so i could understand just what in the hell is going on.

    I’d tour with Jeff Buckley because he is/was the greatest gift ever afforded to the human race.

    I don’t believe in sequels.

  34. Band : Def Leppard

    Sequel: I would continue the Dragonsbane Story since Barbara seems content to write mystery novels now.

    In my fantasy all Audrey Hepburn movies could be remade but still have her in them.

    A brief note on the Highlander thing. No official word on cast or release. Only the writers have been hired. I agree with you all, leave it alone it was the only one worth watching.

  35. @sethmanapio: Since you got me curious, I looked up the total gross for the Fast and the Furious franchise:

    $207 million for the first movie
    $234 million for 2 Fast 2 Furious
    $158 million for Tokyo Drift

    2 Fast 2 Furious cost about 76 million to make, and the marketing cost was 40 million. Also, you’ll be “pleased” to know that there is a fourth movie in the works, and that Paul Walker and Vin Diesel will both return for it. This is all the evidence I need that there is no God.

  36. Dammit! Just last night, while biking home, I was thinking to myself, “Damn! Wouldn’t it be hilarious to do a shot-for-shot remake of the shot-for-shot remake of Psycho that had Vince Vaughn in it?”

    I’d laugh, anyway.

  37. I’d write a prequel to the Old Testament where it turns out that God is really just a broom in a horse costume in dressed as a woman dressed as a man.

    I think I’d remake LOTR and cast it with entirely inappropriate actors i.e. I’d cast Sean Connery as Frodo, 50 Cent as Aragon, Sylvester Stalone as Gandalf, Gilbert Godfried as Gollum, Jonah Hill as Sam, If I can include dead people I’d change that to Marlon Brando, I’d cast Danny Devito as Gimli, Christopher Walken as Elrond, Mr. T as Legolas, Merry and Pippin would be played by Jack Nicholson. Effectively ruining one of the best movies ever made.

  38. 1) I would tour with MC Frontalot. Hands down, no questions asked. That guy is awesome.
    2) If I was at all suited for it, I would write a sequel to Terry Pratchett’s Making Money. I love that book so much.
    3) I would remake Resident Evil. There’s so much awesome source material, and then it got handed to Uwe Boll, the worst director ever. I mean, come on. Ed Wood was at least funny.

  39. 1) The World/Inferno Friendship Society. I got to meet them once and it was awesome. Blake, the drummer for the Dresden Dolls is currently drumming for World/Inferno.

    2) I think The Fifth Element needs a sequel. Or perhaps a prequel where we see some of Corbin Dallas’s previous adventures. Or maybe finally make the sequel to The Adventures Of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension.

    3) I’d remake the movie Hancock. It had a lot of potential but just wasn’t pulled off right.

  40. I’d tour with Tripod. Cause they’re awesome -> On behalf of all the geeks

    I’d write a sequel to “To reign in Hell” by Steven Brust, my favourite book, when I remember it. I’m of course assuming I have magical powers so I can do it justice.

    Like QuestionAuthority I’d remake tHHGtG. First and foremost to fix the mangling of the “the plans have been on display for six months”-joke. The changes in the story are supposedly mostly Douglas Adams’, so they can stay, but Zaphod needs a proper second head and third arm, and Trillian needs to be tougher and not end up with Arthur.
    Oh, and I want more in-jokes. The BBC-series Marvin in the long line on the Vogon planet was good, but there could be more… I think.

  41. Aerosmith – I am older so they would be around the same age.

    Sequel? hmmm… can’t be for a classic well I would like to know what happens after the end of Bladerunner. Read the second book but would it be true to it?

    Remake as badly as the original
    Killer Klowns from outer space –
    Klowns return in their spaceship tents and I get to hear the line “What you going to do with those pies boys?” one more time

  42. 1) Lemme echo the Dropkick Murphy’s sentiment.

    2) Can’t really think of anything for a sequel.

    3) Dune, to finally make it properly maybe as a 6 to 10 ish hour miniseries. Who am I kidding, all I really care about is someone finally making the dinner scene properly. It took the sci-fi channel for me to appreciate how good the first version actually was.

  43. Ooh Ooh! And There’s Something About Mary! I actually didn’t like that one nearly as much as everyone else did, but it was still pretty funny. Ooooh, The Mask! And Groundhot Day!

    All technically rom-coms, but still pretty great movies, or at least pretty decent.

  44. 1. I’d tour with Dread Zeppelin. Give me a sequined jumpsuit, pompadour, and giant shades and I could pass for Tortelvis’ younger (sexier) brother.

    2. I’d write sequels to Garth Ennis’s “Preacher,” where Jesse Custer decides to antagonize every other god/religious figure in existence. In the first issue, Jesse forces Moses to construct a golden idol of Buddha eating a hamburger.

    3. I’d remake “The Care Bears Movie.” Only, my version would be like the “Saw” series.

    In the remake, the Care Bears trap all the worst people in history (like Hitler, Torquemada, Lil Wayne, etc.) in a house booby trapped with rainbows, fluffy bunnies, and hugs so they can learn about sharing and friendship.

  45. 1. Tour would probably be Apocalyptica or Blind Guardian.

    2. Sequel. Hmm… Nope, I actually can’t think of anything. :P

    3. Remake? Starship Troopers. This time we would actually follow the book.
    I mean, come on! Did Verhoeven even read the book? Fair enough, Edward Neumeier wrote the script, so I guess he has to take some of the blame. *sigh*
    In the book, the soldiers have mechanised personal armours that make them like small armies, and in the film they have interstellar ships and still use slugthrowers and shout orders to each other? :S
    It could have been so great…

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