Water is leaking from a tree. Naturally, this has caused a great amount of media coverage throughout the country as people flock to San Antonio, Texas, to witness such an unbelievable miracle. Never before has water been found in such close proximity to a tree. Science tells us that trees are to water as oil is to . . . uh, water. Studies have shown that if God were to deliver a sign unto his people, there is a 74% possibility He would do so by making water come out of a tree.
Says the owner of the miracle tree, Lucille Pope:
‘I just want to know if it is a healing tree or blessed water,” she said. ”That’s God’s water. Nobody knows but God.”
Oh, if only God would help us understand whether this is a healing tree or just ordinary blessed water. Because if He could let Ms. Pope know, that would really help determine the reserve price she should set on eBay, since marketing researchers have verified that healing tree water brings in approximately 30% more click-throughs resulting in 15% higher profits over regular blessed water.
Luckily, current trends are pointing toward this being a healing tree, since
Lucille Pope’s insurance agent dabbed drops of the water on a spider bite and the welt went away, she said.
It doesn’t get much more obvious than that. We’ve eliminated all other possibilities — it can’t be an underground spring, since it’s been a bit dry in San Antonio of late. And it can’t be a burst pipe, since according to someone from the Forest Service that would mean Ms. Pope’s water bill would be noticably high. I was under the impression that most water meters track the amount of water entering a building as opposed to the amount of water circulating around the perimeter of the property, but hey, I’m no expert from the Texas Forest Service. Where they know a lot about . . . water meters. And billing.
Anyway, it’s obviously God, once again working in mysterious ways. Stupidly mysterious ways.
I wasn’t going to mention this story here in the blog because generally I have better things to do, but this morning my interest was renewed as blood began pouring through cracks in my coworker Motoko’s window.
She began screaming around 9am, so everyone ran to see what was up. She was frantically collecting bobbleheads and assorted cool cubicle junk as a rust-colored liquid oozed out of the window and onto the sill (see pic). As the token office skeptic, I suppose you’re thinking that I immediately offered a rational explanation for this disturbing phenomenon. However, I’m not just a skeptic — I’m also an opportunist.
“Praise Jesus” I screamed. “A miracle!”
Motoko had a differing viewpoint: “I was thinking ‘red rum’ for some reason,” she said.
I considered this. Which would bring in the money faster — a healing window, or a haunted window? Looking at the picture Motoko snapped with her cell phone, we could easily go with the ghost angle, especially considering the smudgy ghost shapes in the window reflection, surrounded by light orbs.
So, I’m open to your feedback. First, which angle do you think would be better, financially? Second, do you have a better, possibly more rational (!) explanation for this happening? It is possible I did not provide you with all the information you might need, so feel free to ask questions which I will answer to the best of my abilities.