The good news is that you can live forever. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity with David Copperfield.
That’s right, the wind-swept yet still well-coifed magician claims that he has discovered the Fountain of Youth — yes, thee Fountain of Youth — on one of the four small islands he recently purchased. No one else has seen these islands yet, but he’s flying out some geologists and biologists to have a look-see.
The myriad of problems with this story do not begin at the completely inane claim that he has discovered such a thing. No. The very first problem an astute reader will note is this: how the hell did David Copperfield make enough money to buy FOUR Carribbean islands? That’s just insane. That’s a magic trick on par with the one where he made that hot chick think he was straight, long enough to marry him.
Problem number two is the actual stupid claim, which is obviously a publicity bid in preparation for a magic trick.
Problem number three is the fact that this was reported as news. Thank you, Jane Sutton of Reuters. I’m going to get her number so I can call her up and tell her that I discovered a mysterious top hat that produces bunny rabbits out of thin air. I found it at a yard sale, and when I purchased it, it was empty. However, when I reached inside I felt a delightfully fluffy bunny rabbit who I pulled out and named Professor Hoppington. No one is permitted to see the Top Hat of Mystery, but I am currently consulting with several physicists who will be examining it in private and furiously rewriting their precious little laws.
Eventually, I’m sure there’s a chance that I will allow the Top Hat of Mystery to be demonstrated in public, at approximately $50 a seat with a two-drink minimum.