I know my position on this may be a little controversial, but I think it’s important to have an open and honest debate about the subject. Here we go.
I am anti-fire extinguisher.
Wait, don’t leave yet. Hear me out.
Before the invention of the fire extinguisher in 1816, people used sensible fire safety precautions. They did not leave oily rags piled in buckets next to the ashtray. They did not set their farts on fire. And they always kept their curtains far away from heating devices.
After the invention of the fire extinguisher, all hell broke loose. It didn’t take long for games such as “Tie a Lit Sparkler to the Cat” and “Flaming Monopoly” to explode — literally and metaphorically — in popularity all over the country. People were just looking for a license to burn, and they found it in the fire extinguisher. I present the following chart as evidence:
I believe this is the type of evidence known in science as “irrefutable.”
I’m proud to say that I’m not the only person with this line of thinking, though on a subject other than fire extinguishers. I speak of Reginald Finger who serves for the Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices. Dr. Finger believes that the government should not endorse a new vaccine against HPV, the virus that causes cervical cancer because it will only encourage young women to have sex. Yes. Millions of teens the world over will finally breathe a sigh of relief at no longer needing to worry about that pesky cervical cancer and will proceed to bump uglies immediately with any other person (or animal!) in the immediate vicinity. Just like the fire extinguishers in their kitchens encourages them to set the curtains ablaze.
Worldwide, 250,000 women will die of cervical cancer this year, and judging by his argument, Dr. Finger appears to believe that these tramps had it coming. Why? Because they made the fatal mistake of having sex before Finger’s god told them it was okay. Well, according to him, at least. The reality is that a woman could just as easily contract cervical cancer from the only man she ever slept with — her husband, who she saved herself for and willingly gave it up to just after saying “I do.”
If Finger has his way and the government fails to endorse the vaccine, it may lose funding and not be covered by insurance, putting it well beyond the financial reach of many. It will also not be mandatory like many other vaccines, meaning that HPV will continue to spread among the religiously conservative population. One might see that as not such a bad thing — reap what you sow, after all. But we’re talking about kids, since the vaccine should be administered before a person becomes sexually active. Just like with the Christian Scientists, the kids won’t get a real choice until it’s too late. Yet again, we’re at risk of leaving the lives of innocents in the hands of the blindly dogmatic.
Another rant on the topic, courtesy of reader Rav.