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Transcript:
I’ve noticed over the years that the YouTube algorithm tends to reward my videos that have a topical subject, so that’s why today I’m going to be talking about EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA. I’m sure talking about an unending fountain of liquid poop will launch my channel to a million subscribers by day’s end.
So, yeah, if you aren’t in the US or Canada you may not be aware that we are currently dealing with a serious outbreak of cyclospora, a microscopic parasite that hangs out on fresh fruit and vegetables, and when eaten sets up shop in the victim’s small intestine, where it makes their poo super watery and suddenly explosive, meaning that if you have it, you should never, ever trust a fart.
This disgusting symptom is the entire point, because cyclospora spreads out of that resulting poop: if someone doesn’t wash their hands before picking or preparing or handing you a food item that you eat raw, blammo, the cycle begins anew.
Cooking will kill the parasite, which is why outbreaks most often happen due to contamination in foods like leafy greens like lettuce and cilantro, and fruits that we don’t tend to peel.
Usually the US sees a few thousand cases of cyclosporiasis a year, but in the past two months there have been that many cases in Michigan alone, and more across 28 states with more than 80 hospitalizations, and as of this recording we don’t know exactly what the cause is, though it does seem to be centered around Michigan.
Dang, if only someone had seen this coming. Okay, I think at some point everyone with a brain knew this was a possibility, but yeah, I did say this back in 2024 shortly after Trump won his second term:
“No, this video is about the inevitable dangers that come from deregulation, which is one thing the Republicans do today that they’ve been doing since Reagan. Since winning the election, Trump and his team have made it very obvious that they were lying about not knowing anything about Project 2025–wow, if only someone had known–and a major part of that blueprint is the (further) defunding of the Department of Agriculture, particularly targeting the enforcement of food safety.
“For instance, they specifically recommend changing the current law that says that meat sold across state lines must come from facilities that have been approved by federal inspectors… the fact is, any state could have a lapse in oversight, and without federal oversight, there will be more outbreaks of food-borne illness and the response will be much slower considering that state inspectors have no standing to recall products sold in other states.
“It’s great that you wash your veggies, but it won’t necessarily get rid of E.coli, salmonella, and other dangerous pathogens. You can wash your lettuce in bleach and it still could have pathogens in it if it was harvested in such a way that introduces those pathogens into the very tissue of the vegetable. The FDA has regulations to try to prevent that from happening. They might not, next year.
“So yeah, that’s what we’re looking at for food safety in 2025.”
Sure enough, on July 1 of 2025, the Trump administration officially stopped federal monitoring of six of the eight food-borne pathogens they had kept track of for two decades: campylobacter, listeria, shigella, vibrio, Yersinia, and, drumroll please, cyclospora. The Foodborne Diseases Active Surveillance Network, or FoodNet, is a collaborative effort between the CDC, the USDA, the FDA, and ten state health departments that has been instrumental in identifying and stopping disease outbreaks since its founding in 1995. For instance, in a webpage that was deleted for some reason but can still be accessed via the Wayback Machine, the CDC reported that they investigated cases of apparent cyclosporiasis that clustered together in May of 2020, and within a month they identified the culprit as bags of fresh salad mix sold in grocery stores across the Midwest, leading the producer to recall those products by the end of June, ending the outbreak.
I need you to understand that I just summed up that incident in a single sentence, but it was an absolutely massive undertaking. Unlike other common foodborne parasites like e.coli, cyclospora is very difficult to test for and track down the root cause thanks to difficulties with DNA sequencing as well as an onset of symptoms that can take days or even weeks. Try to think of all the uncooked food you ate in the past two weeks, and please don’t forget the little bits of cilantro in that otherwise fully cooked taco you had.
And so as I said back in 2024, we simply cannot expect states to handle this on a local level. FoodNet involves experts surveying hundreds of patients and doctors across the country, genotyping in labs, and coordinating with farms and restaurants and grocery stores including those in other countries. But since Trump took office, suddenly they just don’t have the funding available to continue this important work, at least according to a “A list of talking points the CDC provided to the Connecticut Public Health Department.”
So. What to do about this? Unfortunately, the same stuff I mentioned in 2024: proper safe food handling techniques, including cooking everything completely and appropriately. If you’re eating fresh fruits and vegetables, you’re safest growing your own if you can or buying from farmers you trust if you know any, but there are some other options to reduce your risk. Washing produce can reduce (but not eliminate) your risk of getting cyclospora. Whole heads of lettuce and other leafy greens are safer than the stuff you get pre-chopped in a bag, as it allows you to throw away the outer leaves.
If you do end up with explosive diarrhea, first of all, I’m so sorry. The good news is that it’s not particularly deadly unless you’re already malnourished or otherwise extremely sick. Drink lots of fluids, especially something like Pedialyte, which as the added bonus of being an excellent hangover treatment, should you ever wish to touch alcohol again after weeks of shitting your brains out. Check in with your doctor if you’re lucky enough to have one, as there are medications that can help and if anyone is paying attention, maybe your data point can help further pinpoint the cause. Wouldn’t that be nice? A nice thing to think about while you sit on the toilet? If anyone left at the CDC has the time? Thanks, Donald Trump!
