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Transcript:
Today I want to talk about the upcoming mid-term election to decide who will represent Texas’s 31st Congressional District in the United States House of Representatives–not because this is a crucial race that we might be able to flip from red to blue, which is usually why I call out specific races. No, that district has been solidly Republican for two decades now, and the guy who is currently in office, John Carter, is the guy who has been there for that entire time. At the age of 84, the only thing that’s going to get Carter out of office is a massive coronary.
So don’t worry, there won’t be any pressure at the end of this video for you to call your representatives or knock on doors in your community or anything. No, the sole purpose of this video is to laugh at the guy who is, for lack of a better word, “challenging” John Carter: Offer Vince Schlomi, who is better known to people my age as “Vince Offer,” or better yet, “the Shamwow guy.”
Now, I begrudgingly admit that there are going to be people in my audience who were born too late to truly appreciate the infomercial golden age of the mid-2000s. The best comparison I can make is the Flex Tape guy who is famous thanks to memes. In the 2000s, memes were not necessary for a television sales guy to achieve fame, because 90% of the American population watched one of, like, 15 channels and after 11pm most of those channels would air the exact same infomercials. And so the best salesmen realized that we were all high as shit, and so they could capture our attention by being completely unhinged.
Vince ruled the infomercial space thanks to his insane energy, bright colors, and frequent double entendres, like “you’re gonna love my nuts.” He made millions selling microfiber towels called “Shamwows,” the “SlapChop” chopping appliance, and a few other products.
Near the top of his fame in 2009, Vince made big headlines when he was arrested in Florida along with a prostitute. He accused her of biting his tongue and refusing to let go, and claimed that he needed to punch her repeatedly in the face in order to get away. Prosecutors refused to charge either party and the world moved on and mostly forgot about Vince.
Now, seventeen years later, Vince is back in the news because he says he’s running to get the Republican nomination over the ancient incumbent, on the promise of battling “wokeness.” He says he was inspired by seeing Charlie Kirk get assassinated. Take a look at his terrifying campaign ad!
I’ll be honest, Vince has still got it. Like, I was NOT expecting the fetus fist pump endorsement. I genuinely laughed. Thank you, Charlie Kirk.
The comedy doesn’t stop there, though: in several interviews, I saw Vince reference “Woke Busters,” a video he was working on when Kirk was killed. None of the media outlets linked to it, for some strange reason, but I found it on Vince’s YouTube channel. I won’t play it, in part because, yes, it is genuinely terrible, but also because I’m pretty sure it’s a slam dunk copyright violation and I’m pretty sure that the only reason Ray Parker Jr. hasn’t sued is because then Huey Lewis could just sue HIM for any resulting judgment, and then Parker would sue back and it would just never end.
So I’ll just sum it up for you: Vince is a “Woke Buster,” which means that when he finds a trans woman standing near a child, he shows up and blasts them with jizz. Just completely covers them in sticky, gooey cum. In one scene, he prevents a doctor from using pruning shears to circumcise a little boy by blasting the doctor with cum and there’s so much that it splashes the little boy in the face.
He doesn’t just cum on trans women, of course. He also cums on men who give black people university degrees. Then there are some really confusing scenes, like when he illustrates someone being “canceled” for being “anti-Jew” by showing men in suits approaching a random man on a park bench and stripping him down to his underpants for some reason. Also, Jesus is there. And at the end, it’s the fist pumping fetus! Love that guy. And at the end, the somber dedication to Charlie Kirk, the original Woke Buster. I bet Charlie would have loved this video for many reasons, most of them related to all the cumming and naked men and stuff.
So, Vince is obviously a bad person and he’s going to lose to John Carter, a 2,000-year old Texas Republican who is obviously a bad person, too. What more is there to say?
Well, while reviewing all the articles about this, along with Vince’s own Wikipedia page, there was one fact about his history that was conspicuously missing, and so I’d like to fill that in for you now.
A few months before Vince’s famous run-in with the police back in 2009, my writers on Skepchick discovered that much of what Vince had achieved up until that point was thanks to his being a Scientologist. That’s right, buckle up everybody, it’s time for another video in my ongoing series of videos titled “Oh, Of Course Scientologists are Involved in this Batshit Thing Somehow.” Previously, see my video on Neil Gaiman, Danny Masterson, and Balance of Nature supplements.
Vince became a Scientologist in 1982, and within ten years had built up his sales business to the point where he was ready to hire on employees, so he hired his fellow Scientologists, as they do. Eventually he was paying dozens of Scientologists to sell gadgets for him, at which point he stepped back and agreed to let two of them run the business while paying him a passive income. But instead, those two Scientologists allegedly pocketed the money and tried to steal the business. This is detailed in a lawsuit he filed in 2004, which includes an extremely hilarious additional charge.
According to Vince, the reason he wanted to step back from the business is because he had raised enough money to finally fund his dream project: a movie he wrote, directed, and starred in called The Underground Comedy Movie, which appears on this Wikipedia list of the worst films of the 20th century and which involved “a superhero named “Dickman” who dressed in a penis costume and defeated his enemies by squirting them with semen.”
Hold on, hold on, hold on. That sounds familiar. Are we sure that it’s trans women we need to keep away from children? I’m starting to wonder.
Anyway, Vince alleged in his lawsuit that The Underground Comedy Movie was actually hampered behind the scenes by the Church of Scientology, saying that the same guys who stole his business engaged in a “black propaganda campaign” against him, claiming the movie was “bad art” and that he was spending too much money on it (less than he was giving to the “Church!”) and accusing Vince of being a “pornographer” and a “sex pervert.”
I mean…whatever, let’s move on.
According to Vince, Scientologists dragged him in front of their own court, branded him a criminal, and pressured him out of the organization, possibly making him the first person in the world to make a movie so bad that it got him kicked out of an actual cult.
A few months later, a judge threw out the lawsuit and Vince went on to make millions in the infomercial game, allowing him to spend his money on prostitutes instead of Scientology courses.
So there you have it: how Scientology intentionally and unintentionally helped the ShamWow guy achieve his kitchen gadget dreams, make one of the worst movies of all time, and now run for political office. Honestly, I’m almost rooting for the coronary so we have a chance of two years of Vince in the public eye. I’m sure he has the talent to convince more people, through the power of comedy skits where he cums on children, that trans women are the real predators.
