Skepticism

The Speaker of the House Sends his Teen Son Weekly Porn Updates

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Well it’s November so you know that at some point I have to make a video about one specific topic: jerking it. Beating around the bush. Hand to gland combat. Nubbin rubbin. Jackin the beanstalk. Bean flicking. Cleaning out the pipes. Beating the meat. Slapping your pappy. Pud wrestling. Petting the kitty. Has it been long enough where YouTube won’t immediately demonetize me for saying “masturbation?” Ah well, I guess I’ll find out.

Thanks to my patrons for sponsoring this one!

Previously for celebrating No Nut November, I talked about the No Fap founder suing a pro-porn scientist for defamation, that pro-porn scientist then turned around and threatened to sue me, and finally I dug into the research on whether or not you can improve your performance in sports by not masturbating. I actually wasn’t planning to make another masturbation-related video for No Fap November this year, but then US Republican congresspeople went and made the Speaker of the House a guy who pays for a service that spies on everything he does online and sends screenshots of it to his son so that he’s not tempted to watch pornography.

And yeah, I AM aware that that sentence was A LOT so don’t worry, I’m going to carefully unpack it for you so that by the time you finish this video, you’re going to wish the Neanderthals had beaten all the homo sapiens to death instead of fucking them, thus potentially populating the planet with a better kind of human.

Okay, so here in the US, we have two types of Republican: the old kind that just hates poor people, gay people, trans people, and women and quietly destroys Democracy, and the new kind that does all of that but is very vocal about destroying Democracy and installing a theocracy. These two groups have been butting heads lately, and after a lot of back and forth over who would lead them in the House of Representatives, they finally settled on a man who is in the latter category but who had the benefit of America not really knowing anything about him, like he even has the most whatever forgettable man’s name of “Mike Johnson,”, so they figured we wouldn’t notice. And that was actually a really good prediction because there’s a lot going on these days and it’s really hard to notice everything shitty that Republicans are doing.

Luckily some people did look into who this guy, Mike Johnson, is. And it turns out, he’s a straight up FREAK. As Amanda Marcotte pointed out last week in Salon, Johnson believes that dinosaurs and humans lived at the same time and that they were even on Noah’s ark, and that a cartoon starring Danny Devito as Satan is “clearly evil” and “serious, eternal business” that will send children to hell. As Marcotte summarized in another post, Johnson is a Christian nationalist who helped spearhead efforts to overturn the last presidential election and he called same-sex marriage “the dark harbinger of chaos and sexual anarchy that could doom even the strongest republic.”

So that’s just the preamble to the news that at a conference last year, Johnson sat on stage and said this: while some technology is evil, other tech is really good, like the service he uses that examines everything he does online, every website he visits, and monitors for pornography. If the company detects porn, it immediately sends blurred out screenshots of it to his accountability partner, who is Johnson’s teenage son.

I bet Johnson’s teenage son just cannot wait to get his regular report of whether or not his father successfully completed a wank-free week. Just a totally normal father-son relationship. Nothing to see here!

“Covenant Eyes” is, in fact, the exact same surveillance software that the Duggars used to try to stop Josh Duggar from viewing child sexual abuse material. Unfortunately that didn’t work, because he just set up a partition on his hard drive and looked at his disgusting illegal pedo shit there. What a waste of $15 a month, am I right? It almost seems like instead of Covenant Eyes being “accountability software” it’s actually a way for conservative Christians to give their families a false sense of security while they continue to do hypocritical or even immoral, deranged things in private.

It’s worth noting that Covenant Eyes doesn’t JUST detect illegal pornography, and not even just pornography in general. A Wired piece from last year revealed that Covenant Eyes is also used by homophobic churches to aid in gay conversion therapy, with one man reporting that the service sent his church leaders an alert because he had searched “#gay” on a social media platform.

Another person who used a similar program said the service told her “accountability” partners (her parents and pastor) that she had looked up “atheism” on Wikipedia. She told Wired that the apps are not just about pornography, but about “making you conform to what your pastor wants.”

Wired also found that Covenant Eyes and similar services collect a terrifying amount of information about its users to do this–unless, of course, the user knows about partitions. But many users are, like Johnson’s son, under the age of 18, and the apps are collecting and storing not only everything they do on their phone but in some cases information like when they last masturbated.

All of this brings me back to ANOTHER video I made about NoFap back in 2021, in which I point out that while NoFap and No Nut November attracts a lot of atheist Redditors, but research shows that they are by and large useful idiots for the Christian right. Instead of masturbating and pornography being ungodly, these people use pseudoscience to claim that those things are bad for individuals and for society, and that giving them up can literally give a person superpowers. Despite that faction, research shows that nearly all anti-porn activists are Biblical literalists, like Mike Johnson, who adopt the veneer of “science” to achieve their true goal of codifying their own religious shame into law.

So that’s what you can expect from Republican leadership, including the guy who is now 2nd in line for the presidency: not just homophobia and transphobia, not just outlawing women’s bodily autonomy, and not even just outlawing pornography, but the forcing on all Americans a fundamentalist Biblical lifestyle based on shame and disgust – the exact lifestyle that gave the world Josh Duggar. Don’t like it? Vote out Republicans.

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor. Twitter @rebeccawatson Mastodon mstdn.social/@rebeccawatson Instagram @actuallyrebeccawatson TikTok @actuallyrebeccawatson YouTube @rebeccawatson BlueSky @rebeccawatson.bsky.social

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