Great news! Gwyneth Paltrow has started campaigning to fill the hole in our ozone. You know, I’ve been really critical about Paltrow in the past for peddling stupid, wasteful, expensive, and sometimes harmful bullshit, but filling the hole in our ozone is a great cause. Oh…oh hold on, I’m getting word that I misunderstood this news item and that Gwyneth Paltrow is filling her hole with ozone.
In a podcast interview with her “doctor” Will Cole, Paltrow admitted that she pays to have ozone blasted into her asshole because some people think that it will deliver oxygen to the body and help fix chronic diseases. It will shock you to learn that there is no convincing scientific evidence for these claims. In fact, what we DO know about ozone, which is three oxygen molecules, is that it is extremely damaging to the lungs if inhaled. It protects us from UV rays when it hangs out in the upper atmosphere, but when it gets into the air we’re breathing (like in areas with bad pollution, like where poor people live) it can cause conditions like pulmonary edema.
Butt-chugging ozone, though, isn’t actually the worst thing Paltrow endorsed during this podcast. I know. I know. I wish I were more surprised?
No, the worst thing she did was discuss her “diet.” And with that in mind, here’s a content warning: I’m about to talk about disordered eating.
Paltrow says her day of eating is coffee, a bowl of bone broth for lunch, and then vegetables, and then she fasts, presumably until the next day’s…broth. Now, she did follow this up on Instagram to clarify that she doesn’t eat like that EVERY day and sometimes she eats “whatever (she) wants.” She says she has long COVID and that this helps.
People are pointing out that, even despite that “clarification,” that all sounds super fucked up. Like, look, I think overall we need to stop judging people for their personal food choices but Paltrow is, through her own efforts, a very highly regarded influencer for people who think of themselves as very healthy and thoughtful and, let’s face it, rich. The rules are different for her. Hell, they’re different for ME! If I were on a podcast today and the host asked what I ate yesterday, I could honestly say that I ate very much like Gwyneth: a dry piece of toast for breakfast, nothing for lunch, and steamed bok choy for dinner. Am I healthy? No. I have food poisoning. Seriously, I’m not joking. Every time I’ve eaten for the past 48 hours, my intestines have rebelled and the food has immediately turned into something ungodly. But you know what, that’s the meal plan that worked for me. But I wouldn’t go on a podcast and smile and say that it’s great, that I love it, that it’s energizing, because it’s not! If I ate that every day I would literally die of malnourishment, just like Paltrow would if she weren’t apparently on constant IVs.
Which brings me to my next point: Paltrow gets fluids delivered intravenously so often she has favorites. Seriously, listen to her talk about various IV supplements the way a hipster talks about his favorite triple IPA.
This is a great little hint that Paltrow’s diet is, in fact, severely fucked up. That “random more fringy” supplement she mentioned, “phosphatidylcholine?” You know how else you can get that besides using needles to inject it directly into your veins? You can eat a fucking egg. Oh, unless you’re vegan at which point you’ll have to work hard to find it in a little known food known as “the soybean.” EAT A FUCKING SOYBEAN GWYNETH PALTROW! I looked it up, it’s only half a calorie!!! You can still be a wispy waif who can’t wear baggy clothes on windy days lest you be carried out to sea!
I’m sorry, I’m getting agitated. Probably because I haven’t had enough calories today to support basic brain function.
Speaking of which, I assume Gwyneth Paltrow’s lawyer must be on the same meal plan as her, because I happened to see this clip of him the other day in the trial she’s currently involved in because I guess she and some guy collided while skiing and now he’s suing her. This is what happens when you eat nothing but bone broth and get all your nutrients from a sack that drains into your veins! Jesus christ.
And god, I just realized I didn’t even get around to talking about Paltrow’s “doctor” who is overseeing all this (and is the host of the podcast where she’s saying it all): like I said two years ago when this grift first got started, Dr. Will Cole is actually an anti-vaccine chiropractor who got his degree from a diploma mill and who wrote a book called “intuitive fasting,” which is what Paltrow seems to be doing in between her dinner vegetables and her lunchtime broth treat.
Look, there are a lot of intersecting issues here that I don’t want to get mixed up: the average person shouldn’t have their chosen diet unwillingly scrutinized and judged by strangers, but in this case Paltrow is in no way the average person. And it sucks for Paltrow that she has long COVID, and I understand the desperation many people will feel when trying to fix a condition that the larger society has decided isn’t a big deal and shouldn’t be prioritized. But what sucks even more than having long COVID is that for all her money and fame and privilege, Paltrow doesn’t seem to have chosen to be under the care of a real science-based doctor who is trying to effectively treat her condition. Instead, she’s sitting across the table from a grifter who chuckles at the fact that she is fighting malnourishment with nonstop IVs and is blasting her rectum with ozone. I wish she’d stop spreading this bullshit to her huge audience, and also I really, really wish she’d just get help.
Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for my 12 o’clock miso soup, the bone broth of pescetarians with food poisoning.