Look, I think it’s very important up front to say this: not all professional athletes are morons. Like…I A confession: I know I might seem like a giant nerd but I’m actually a jock. I love professinoal sports, especially football, and so I have a lot of respect for pro athletes. Not just their physicality, but also their intelligence — you need a certain level of intelligence to do a lot of the things they do. I was going to illustrate this by naming some smart athletes but I tried googling “smartest professional athletes” but all the top results were lists that were like “this guy went to YALE” and it’s like, yeah, that doesn’t actually count as smart.
In fact, a study published last month in the Journal of Labor Economics found that more than 43% of white students admitted to Harvard are “athletes, legacies, those on the dean’s interest list, and children of faculty and staff,” and about 75% of those white students would have been rejected using Harvard’s usual standards if they weren’t athletes, legacies, dean’s list, or faculty kids. Interesting! It’s almost like people who are worried that affirmative action will let “undeserving” students into colleges are actually just racist.
But there’s another reason I bring this up, and that’s because of one Aaron Rodgers, celebrated quarterback of the Green Bay Packers, possible GENIUS, and graduate of UC Berkeley, a genuinely good school! And yet, despite all that, plus a win on Celebrity Jeopardy, a love of crosswords, and a voracious appetite for books, he is, in fact, a straight up dumb dumb.
I’ll be honest, I too was fooled into thinking that Rodgers was the thinking woman’s football star. But last week he dashed my hopes when it was revealed that he never got vaccinated against COVID-19. And it gets so much dumber. Please, prepare yourselves.
This all came to light because Rodgers came down with COVID. Surely a breakthrough infection, I thought, until he revealed that instead of getting vaccinated, he “received a homeopathic treatment from his personal doctor to raise his antibody levels.” Homeopathy isn’t just bullshit — it’s honestly one of the most brainless bullshits out there. It is the idea that water “remembers” things that were in it and then removed. So you literally just take sugar water with nothing in it and pretend it fixes what ails you. I’ve talked about this so many times, just go watch one of those other videos if you want to know more. But dear lord is it stupid. He described the sugar water he took instead of real medicine as “a long term immunization protocol to protect myself & I’m very proud of the research that went into that.”
But wait! There’s more. It gets worse. Back in August a reporter asked if he was vaccinated and he replied “Yeah, I’ve been immunized.” Which he hadn’t! People (including Rodgers) are saying this was “misleading” but it wasn’t misleading, it was a lie. “Immunized” means “to gain an immunity against a disease,” and homeopathy cannot immunize you against anything except possibly thirst. He then proceeded to take advantage of the relaxed rules the NFL allows for vaccinated people, like not being tested every day, not wearing a mask, and taking part in marketing opportunities. Most of the rules he broke directly put his teammates at risk.
But wait! There’s EVEN MORE. When asked how he was dealing with his COVID diagnosis, Aaron Rodgers said he was doing everything his doctor told him to do. Wait, did I say “his doctor?” I meant “Joe Rogan.” He’s doing everything Joe Rogan told him to do, which is eating deworming paste, zinc, vitamin C and D, and hydroxychloroquine, none of which cures COVID. Oh, and also the one thing that does work: monoclonal antibodies. Which, you know, is the least “natural” thing you can do to fight COVID. The most natural thing you can do is take the vaccine, which trains your body’s own immune system to attack the virus. Monoclonal antibodies are molecules made in a lab by scientists to very unnaturally neutralize the virus. And you, Aaron Rodgers, just uncritically let someone INJECT YOU four different times to deliver this artificial treatment into your body. Wow!
Here are some other incredibly stupid things Rodgers has said: “This idea that it’s a pandemic of the unvaccinated, it’s just a total lie.” Aaron Rodgers, YOU WERE UNVACCINATED, AND YOU SPREAD THE PANDEMIC, you grapefruit.
“If the vaccine is so great, then how come people are still getting COVID and spreading COVID and, unfortunately, dying from COVID?” BECAUSE PEOPLE AREN’T TAKING THE VACCINE YOU ABSOLUTE DOG TURD. Also, football players wear helmets and still get CTE, so are you going to stop wearing yours? Please do! I’d like to officially petition the NFL to let Aaron Rodgers on the field wearing nothing but a little beanie with a propeller on top. Do your own research, Aaron! Don’t blindly trust Big Helmet.
Finally, he said he didn’t take the vaccine because “there’s been zero long-term studies around sterility or fertility issues around the vaccines. So that was definitely something I was worried about.” There’s zero evidence that the vaccine does anything to sperm but you know what? When you’re on the field next time, in addition to leaving your helmet on the sidelines why not do the same for your little testicle-protecting cup? I’ve heard those things can get really hot and slow down sperm mobility. Better safe than sorry.
But no, I kid. What I mean to say is PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DO NOT REPRODUCE, AARON RODGERS. The world begs of you. We don’t need any more of you.
As for everyone else, please stop assuming someone is smart because they went to a fancy university. Or because they’re on Jeopardy.