Hoo, boy. As you may or may not know, at the end of each year I make some psychic predictions. It’s a way to have a little fun and show that it doesn’t actually take much to be a “psychic.” Psychics are frauds who lie to people for money (though many people who think they’re psychic are just lying to themselves). In the past, I’ve really nailed some predictions. Hell, apparently one time on my old podcast in 2011 I predicted the Trump presidency, which is…terrifying.
So each year, I take a look back at my previous predictions to see how I did, before making new predictions for the coming year. Let’s go back to what I thought would happen in 2020 and go through my predictions one by one:
I said “I hope we get fascists out of our world governments.” We did oust Trump but he’s still trying to steal an election he already lost. Then I said “I hope I get to vote for someone progressive.” I…did not.
And then, I swear to god, I said, “I hope we see fewer deaths from measles and other vaccine-preventable illnesses in 2020.” Okay, so COVID was not vaccine-preventable but it was preventable in several ways that were even easier than getting vaccinated, and we fucked it up. So badly. And as for measles? Well, in November researchers published a report showing that measles deaths have increased 50% since 2016, and due to COVID the CDC says 41 countries have delayed or are planning to delay their measles programs for 2021, which is expected to lead to an even worse surge.
Great job, Rebecca, very psychic.
I said “I hope we get concrete evidence of alien life” and all we fucking got was the god damn ex-Israeli space security chief going off his meds and trying to convince us all that the “Galactic Federation” has been in contact with the US and Israel but they don’t think humanity is ready to know about them, as if DONALD FUCKING TRUMP would learn that aliens exist and not IMMEDIATELY get on Twitter to brag about how cool they think he is. So yeah sorry but I’m not calling that one a hit.
Let’s see, what other bullshit did I say. Oh, yeah, here’s one: “I hope we get more people access to good healthcare.” AHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHAHA jesus christ WE RAN OUT OF BEDS IN THE ICU!!! THEY’RE PUTTING PEOPLE IN STORAGE CLOSETS AND DECIDING WHO GETS TO LIVE AND WHO GETS TO DIE, JESUS FUCK
Sigh. Okay, and finally I said I hoped the Oakland A’s won the pennant. They didn’t. They were beaten by the Houston Astros, the most corrupt, cheater-filled baseball team since the 1919 Chicago White Sox.
Not my best year for predictions. Is it possible I’m just…not psychic? I honestly didn’t do very well with my predictions last year, either….wait…unless…is it possible that my predictions for 2019 were actually a year early? Let’s see:
“First up I see a huge scientific breakthrough regarding a major cause of death, like heart disease or cancer.” Holy shit, COVID became a major cause of death and the huge scientific breakthrough was the fastest vaccine creation and rollout in human history!
I said a major hurricane would hit the SouthEast US, and it was an unprecedented year for storms, with the worst being Hurricane Laura, which struck Louisiana in late August.
I also said that Kirk Douglas would die in 2019. He died in February of 2020! I said Kenny Rogers would die, and he died in MARCH of 2020! I said Rob Schneider would die and he….well, his final remaining brain cell seems to have died in 2020 so pretty close.
So that’s all, my psychic abilities were just a little early, which should mean that THIS year, my predictions for last year will come true. So! Here’s what we can look forward to in 2020:
We’ll kick more fascists out of world governments!
We’ll see fewer deaths from vaccine-preventable illnesses, which is honestly a shoe-in — even if measles cases continue to rise, and even if people refuse the COVID vaccine, we will vaccinate enough people to put a stop to the torrent of deaths we’ve seen in 2020.
We’ll get evidence of alien life! Hey, who’s to say? Maybe the Galactic Federation really will get in touch. Or maybe we’ll get something less impressive but still really cool — the first study has just been published this month using the largest map of Mars ever made, exploring the geology of the planet’s ancient river systems. And the James Webb Space Telescope is due to launch next year, at which point it will begin scanning the atmospheres of hundreds of exoplanets orbiting nearby stars for oxygen and water.
And dammit, in 2021 we’re gonna get more people access to good healthcare. I may not have been able to vote for a progressive but I did vote for a person who at the very least may be able to be bullied into making sure more Americans get access to basic healthcare. It’s gonna happen.
Finally? The A’s. The Oakland A’s are going to win the pennant. They have to! I’m a psychic. Or, as good a psychic as anyone else, at least.