No, 5G isn’t Going to Give you COVID-19 you Ding Dong

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Transcript:

Hey, do you guys mind if I talk a little about coronavirus? I mean I have to, right? Okay, okay, if you insist! Look, viruses are invisible. You what else is invisible? Fairies. How many people have ever seen a fairy? That’s right, I don’t see any hands up. In every pandemic from the last 150 years, there were fairies involved. In July of 1917 the world first saw the photos of the Cottingly fairies. By January of 1918 the SPANISH FLU began in that legendary region of Spain known as Fort Riley, Kansas. I love their Riojas. Anyway, 50 million people died.

March of 1956, the Fairey Delta 2 becomes the first aircraft to fly more than 1,000 miles per hour. By 1957 the Asian H2N2 influenza killed 2 million people.

In 1968 the H3N2 Hong Kong Influenza killed a million people. What occurred just two years prior? I hardly think I even need to say it but yeah, MOTHMAN, a large WINGED BEAST appeared in West Virginia to warn of impending disaster.

And of course, in 2019 we all remember that a winged “angel” was seen floating over Brazil. By the end of that year? CORONAVIRUS.

I don’t know how much more obvious I can make it for you: these are all fairies, and all of them preceded deadly global pandemics. We are at war and we don’t even know it. We must destroy the fairy people. 

If you think that theory is stupid, maybe you’d prefer this one from “Dr. Thomas Cowan, MD.” You know when a person includes both “Dr.” and “MD” in their title, they’re definitely worth listening to. Especially when they’re speaking at an event as illustrious as the Health And Human Rights Summit in Tucson, Arizona, which apparently was held in person on March 12 despite the fact that, you know, there was a global pandemic happening. Cowan spoke alongside other such luminaries as Dr. Andrew Wakefield, who apparently is still going by “Dr.” despite being completely discredited and barred from practicing medicine due to gross ethics violations that led to way too many people believing that vaccines cause autism. You know, vaccines? The thing we’re all desperately hoping doctors develop to save us from coronavirus? So yeah, it’s great to see Wakefield is still getting booked.

But back to Dr. Thomas Cowan, M.D. His lecture is on YouTube and despite the fact that YouTube has demonetized most of my videos for just mentioning coronavirus, and despite their promise to stop the spread of misinformation on their platform, this video has 677,000 views and has spawned a fun new(-ish) conspiracy theory: that coronavirus comes from 5G wireless.

Cowan, and his fellow travelers like David Icke (who literally believes that the world is run by actual shape-shifting reptiles), believe that pandemics correlate to various upgrades in the world’s electrical grid, like 3G, 4G, 5G, and for the Spanish flu, radio waves. Yes, radio waves, which apparently emerged in 1916? I have no idea where they got that number but the first radio program was broadcast in 1906, and Marconi got his patent for the telegraph in 1896, but sure Jan, whatever you say.

So really, there isn’t even a correlation but even if there was? Say it with me friends: correlation does not equal causation. Fairies aren’t causing pandemics and neither are radio waves. Like I said in a video back in 2016, and again in 2018, cell phone networks also don’t cause cancer. There is no good evidence to support the idea that nonionizing radiation does anything to the human body other than maybe cause a little heat, which is just one reason why you shouldn’t press your naked body up to a cell phone tower I guess.

That’s not to say that 5G isn’t without its downsides. For one, NASA and NOAA point out that the launch of a new network will broadcast in a frequency too close to that of their satellites, which might screw up weather reporting. And really, they don’t need more people complaining about inaccurate weather reports. These are the people who already have to hear “Uh what about global warming” every time it snows in Minnesota.

Another problem with 5G is the lack of cybersecurity, or as it’s known in 2020, “security.” As the US races to compete with China to set up a decent 5G network, there are experts who worry that we are forgetting to make it so that even technologically illiterate people can access the frequent software updates that this will require without compromising their privacy. 5G is going to be decentralized and all software-based, which leaves it prime for hackers to gain access to our data. We need the government to work with businesses to make sure that the network we build isn’t just “first,” but also safe.

“Safe” for our data, that is. Not our lungs. Because I’m sorry, as scary as it is, this virus didn’t come from radio waves. It came from nature, and it’s having a devastating effect on humanity because of a lack of preparedness because we elected a bunch of morons. Like, absolute piece of shit moronic assholes. The key to preventing this in the future is not to make up new conspiracy theories but to listen to experts, and put people in charge who will listen to experts. In other words, stay home, wash your hands, and if you can do so safely? Vote.