It’s that time again! At the end of each year, I offer my psychic predictions for the upcoming year. I am absolutely not a psychic, because psychics don’t exist. Anyone claiming to be a psychic is either fooling themselves or, especially if they’re the type to charge people a lot of money for their services, is just a straight-up fraud who uses psychological magic tricks to make people think they’re psychic.
Before we get into my predictions for 2020, let’s see how I did in 2019.
I predicted a “huge scientific breakthrough regarding a major cause of death, like heart disease or cancer.” I also predicted that a sitting President would be charged with major crimes, that humanity would finally find direct evidence of alien life, that a major hurricane would hit the Southeast US and a volcano would erupt somewhere around the same time, and that Rob Schneider, Jimmy Carter, Kirk Douglas, Clint Eastwood, Kenny Rogers, and an unnamed young actress in her 20s would all die.
So, normally in these psychic end-of-year videos I spin each of my predictions to look way more impressive than they actually are, because that’s what “real” psychics do. But man, I gotta say I did NOT do well this year. Obviously I got one: Donald Trump is being charged with major crimes, but yeah, even I can’t sit here with a straight face and tell you that knowing that was some magical mutant ability.
There was no huge scientific breakthrough regarding a major cause of death. I could pretend there was, like how back in February, scientists announced a new way of killing cancer cells: shining a light onto the metal iridium can cause a protein in our blood to deliver that iridium into cancer cells, killing them. But it’s early, and not even in clinical trials.
Humanity has not found direct evidence of alien life. That one was, admittedly, a hail Mary. It’s one of those ones psychics throw out there because if it turns out to be right, it’s like holy shit you must be a psychic. If it’s wrong (which it was), you just pretend you never said it. If anyone asks you about it later just change the subject. Or claim it happened but the government covered it up. Or if it’s on Twitter, block them. They don’t exist.
Several hurricanes affected the Southeast Coast of the US this year, with the biggest being Hurricane Dorian in September. It formed on August 24th and dissipated on September 10th. There were 69 volcanic eruptions in 2019, and Copahue in South America did erupt on September 11th. So close. But the smaller Hurricane Barry battered Louisiana from July 11th to 16th, and on July 16th the Alaskan volcano Semisopochnoi erupted. I gotta say, that’s a hit. I’m…I’m a little impressed with that one.
That said, none of the people I thought were going to die, died. Good for them. I said an actress in her 20s would die and Grumpy Cat did die at the age of 7 but that’s in cat years and she did star in a movie I think and ah man I think I’m just too burned out on Fake News (™) to continue with these psychic predictions.
And honestly, there’s so much dangerous misinformation in the world today that I just can’t get angry at psychics anymore. I think it’s helpful for people to know that psychics are frauds, and to know how easy it is to be fooled by them, and to protect yourself and your loved ones from people who would prey on you when you’re grieving or old or sad or otherwise at risk. But yeah. I need a break.
So for 2020, I’m just going to tell you the things I hope happen in the world. And next year I will see how we do.
I hope we get fascists out of our world governments. I hope I get to vote for someone progressive.
I hope we see fewer deaths from measles and other vaccine-preventable illnesses in 2020. I hope we all learn something new and weird about our universe.
I DO hope we get concrete evidence of alien life. Intelligent, dumb, whatever. Life somewhere other than here would be a very optimistic thing to find right now. Also more dinosaur news! Someone just found a whole ass dino tail preserved in amber and holy shit that’s cool. Dinosaurs are so cool.
I hope we get more people access to good healthcare. I hope we rescue more animals and make sure they don’t breed.
I hope the Oakland A’s win a pennant. They seem really pure and like they deserve it. That’s a sports thing, to the large population of you who follow me but do not follow sports.
I hope I rock harder next year, and I hope that my Patrons keep supporting me, and I hope that all of you watching (or reading) this right now have a very happy and healthy 2020.