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Last week, a tremendous mob of enraged liberals descended upon Tucker Carlson’s home. They kicked down the door, pulled his wife and daughters from their beds, dragged them into the streets, and burned them alive while Carlson watched helplessly — not because he couldn’t but because he refused to meet violence with violence, so pure is his heart and pacifist his actions.
Stephen Colbert took to Twitter to condemn the evil activists’ actions, stating unequivocally “Fighting Tucker Carlson’s ideas is an American right. Targeting his home and terrorizing his family is an act of monstrous cowardice. Obviously don’t do this, but also, take no pleasure in it happening. Feeding monsters just makes more monsters.”
He’s so right. We shall not feed these monsters.
Oh hold on, I didn’t get that initial part quite right. It seems that instead of an enraged mob of liberal activists, it was about a dozen people with tambourines, who had also brought along four legal observers to make sure that everything they did was lawful. And Tucker and his kids weren’t home. His wife was inside, she called the cops, and the cops came and said everything was fine. It was all over in ten minutes.
Although, there WAS a lone criminal in the gang, who was caught cringily spray-painting an anarchy symbol on their driveway. The cops told that guy to not do that anymore. There were no arrests, and the protestors walked away. Two of them hobbled away, with canes. This is all according to an eyewitness, plus, you know, the actual police report.
But facts don’t matter when it comes to Tucker Carlson or his fans, or to the majority of hand-wringing liberal centrists. Tucker claimed that his wife called him and said someone had thrown himself against the door, breaking it in the process, in an attempt to gain entry. She thought it was a home invasion and locked herself in the pantry to call 911. He also claims that someone shouted that they would bring a pipe bomb to his house.
None of this happened according to the police report, and surely all of it should have been because all of it would be actual criminal behavior. No one tried to break down the door, which sustained no damage at all. No one was locked in a pantry fearing imminent death. And no one said they’d bring a pipe bomb to his house, though one activist did chant something about pipe bombs, referring specifically to the fact that Tucker Carlson tried to downplay the fact that last month’s pipe bomber was inspired to try to kill liberals due to Donald Trump’s rhetoric.
It’s no surprise that Carlson is a liar — he has become a mouthpiece for white supremacists, for fascists. The KKK’s David Duke and Richard Spencer love him. He spreads bigoted, dangerous misinformation regularly, like when he outright lied about a South African policy that he said made it possible for black people to steal the land from white people. Ironic, I know.
And yet, when it came time for people to believe either some protestors or actual lying fascist mouthpiece Tucker Carlson, they chose Carlson. Stephen Colbert, who once made us all so proud for taking the stage at the Washington Correspondent’s Dinner and absolutely destroying the Bush Administration straight to their stupid faces, is now too cowardly, too spineless to even take a minute to find out the truth. Seriously, I’m no fan of the cops but when they’re on the side of protestors and not the rich conservative white guy, I’d say their word is pretty damned believable.
Sure, say that the activists should have protested when Carlson was home, and not his wife. Say that you don’t think they should be at his home. But for fuck’s sake, don’t mindlessly believe Carlson’s version of events when all the facts are against it, and then use that to shame people who are literally trying to prevent the next Hitler from rising to power (if he’s not already in power). Do better, Stephen Colbert.