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Do you like water? Not the free shit that comes out of your tap, I mean sexy water that tastes like someone dropped a cough drop in it for just a few seconds, and it comes in a sexy can. I’m told it’s called “La Croy” but I’m fancy so I call it “La Cwah.”
I had no idea until recently that La Croix claims to be all natural, using all-natural “essences” for their flavorings, which again are like, hardly there. It’s like a real soda died and now you’re drinking its ghost.
I learned of this only because of a recent lawsuit that claims La Croix is NOT all natural, and further that they use artificial ingredients that are used to kill all-natural things (cockroaches). Cockroaches! They’re talking about linalool, which is in fact a naturally-occuring flavoring agent that is found in mints and spices. Yes, it is used in cockroach insecticides, but just because it can kill a cockroach doesn’t mean it’ll kill you. As a writer at Popular Science pointed out, we don’t ban chocolate because it can kill dogs. It’s perfectly safe, as are the other ingredients called out in the lawsuit: limonene, which is found naturally in citrus fruits, and linalyl propionate, which comes from ginger and lavender. Yep — all three are safe and, in opposition to this lawsuit, naturally occuring.
Not that it matters — a chemical is a chemical, whether you can find it in nature or it’s put together by humans in a laboratory. What matters is whether or not it is safe for humans, and according to all the science we have, these absolutely are. So why the lawsuit? Easy: money. It was filed by a law firm in Chicago and is probably predicated on the fact that the FDA does classify those flavorings as synthetic, even though they can be found in nature. And La Croix is doing pretty well for themselves, with sales of over $800 million last year alone. That means they probably have the legal forces to fight this, and most experts seem to think it’s going to get laughed out of court.
Speaking of laughing, there is one more fun aspect to all this: La Croix just issued a statement in response to the lawsuit, and if you think the lawsuit was out there, the reply is absolutely bonkers. In it, the CEO of National Beverage Corporation, owner of La Croix, refers to the company and their customers as a cult. Then an unnamed person is quoted as saying, “I get a feeling of inner peace; a feeling that my LaCroix is made with ‘Innocent’ avowed on it. I love my LaCroix – it is an excellent product – doesn’t our Innocent claim mean anything?”” The press release goes on to clarify what they mean when they use the word “essence” in their marketing:
“Essence is our picture word that means:
Nose Sensory, Aroma, Tongue Sense, Measured Taste and Mouth Feel”
“Innovation should be new – but ours has the ‘essence’ to refresh and captivate with FIZZ + Fun
“Patriotism” – If Only We Could Bottle It!”
Yeah, I have no idea but I’m now super excited to see how this all plays out. Please let there be cameras in the courtroom, and please let the CEO and whoever wrote this insane press release take the stand. I’ll be using a safe, naturally-essenced La Croix to wash down all the popcorn.