Shocking Report: The Bible is a Myth

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Okay look, I’m going to need you to take a seat. If you’re already sitting, you may want to lay down, or stand up and then sit back down again. That’s how big the news is that I’m about to share.

Alright, ready? Here we go: after a long, intensive investigation on the part of the Israeli newspaper Haaretz, researchers have determined that the Bible’s story of creation is a made-up fairy tale.

I know, I know. It’s hard to hear. All this time, you, an adult human, thought that the Bible was scientific fact, despite the fact that it includes two contradictory creation stories in the first two chapters. They’re not even long chapters, you can go read them right now and it will only take you a few minutes. They’re both stories about god creating the universe, but in each one he has a different name and there’s a completely different order of operations. But god can do anything! He’s a supernatural being! So he could probably create the universe and everything in it twice, in two different ways. Why not?

And you, an adult human, thought that that supernatural being (in one of the two creation stories) did everything in six days (before there were “days” because he didn’t make the sun immediately) and then you thought that god, a supernatural entity who created the universe (twice) needed a nap afterwards.

And you, an adult human, thought that the first man was made of mud and the first woman was made out of his rib (in one of the two creation stories) and that a talking snake made the lady eat an apple.

You thought all that happened, but now the newspaper is here to tell you that it did not. An exhaustive search has found no evidence of any talking snakes anywhere, let alone talking snakes with the persuasive skills to make anyone eat an apple. Well, I guess that’s it for Christianity, then. Let’s take a look at the comments, where surely we will see Christians offering their Bibles and baptismal pools for sale:

Davy Sikazwe of Zambia says, “No amount of reseach will disapprove the Biblical account. Science does not have all the knowledge about our world. We know even this report is subjective. The so called scientists deliberately agree on a certain position and that is what they project even though they know that it is not true.”

Ah, that’s a good point actually. This report might just be so-called “scientists” agreeing on the position that all the evidence we have shows that the Universe is over 13 billion years old and that talking snakes don’t exist.

Mark Machado writes, “That is nice. Evolutionists have yet to prove their theory also. I’ll be standing by for when they can prove to me how life was created. Till than Evolution is just as questionable.” Man, I didn’t think of that. I mean sure, the theory of evolution has been proven to be true millions of times over as it’s the basis for our understanding of all living creatures, and sure, it doesn’t deal with the creation of life, but…wait, I guess what I’m saying is that he doesn’t have any point and is just trying to ignore the fact that the Bible makes no sense as a literal historical document by throwing vague insults at evolutionary theory.


Paul Kizanis writes, “I believe the Bible is the word of God and everything in it the is true. Several years ago I seen a miracle happen at a church i was attending. There was a lady that we were praying for whos one leg was shorter then the other. We laid hands on her and started praying for her and i looked down at her leg and i could see it stretching.”

Okay, I have to drop the act at this point. That’s an old parlor trick where you can make it look like a leg is stretching out. Also it has fucking nothing to do with what the Bible says about the creation of the universe.

You guys, I don’t mean to be pessimistic here, but is it possible that this newspaper article won’t convince anyone that the Bible is, at best, a confusing allegory?


Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor. Twitter @rebeccawatson Mastodon Instagram @actuallyrebeccawatson TikTok @actuallyrebeccawatson YouTube @rebeccawatson BlueSky

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