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A study has shown that one in three vegetarians eats meat when they’re drunk! This groundbreaking research was performed by the esteemed scientists at the University of VoucherCodesPro, a coupon website. As I’m sure you know, VoucherCodesPro was founded in 1834 by Thomas Jefferson as a haven for intellectuals to pursue humanity’s greatest scientific questions, and also coupons.
When reached for comment, the Vice Chancellor of VoucherCodesPro said, “It was really easy to make up these numbers and then put out a press release and have people believe it, because a lot of people who eat meat feel bad about it and they want to believe that people who don’t eat meat are somehow phoneys.”
When asked to elaborate, he clarified, “This press release really helped our search engine rankings, you stupid fucks. Here, have a coupon. No more questions.”
According to the survey, which almost certainly doesn’t even exist since there’s absolutely no data published anywhere about it, 34% of secret meat-eaters say they eat meat every time they drink, 26% said fairly often, 22% said rarely, and 18% said occasionally. 69% said they’re alarmed at the number of fake scientific results that get reported on in the media without a degree of skepticism. 100% said they think VoucherCodesPro is the greatest coupon website they’ve ever visited.
Here’s what the well-trained science journalists paid a full-time living wage for mainstream newspapers had to say about this study.[interview missing]
Here’s what a random victorious meat-eater had to say about this study: “If some vegetarians eat meat very rarely, it’s okay for me to eat meat all the time and not ever wonder where my food comes from or how it is produced. Ha ha ha, bacon. Bacon bacon bacon. It’s funny because I said ‘bacon.’”
On behalf of animal rights activists, science communicators, and most importantly VoucherCodesPro, I’d like to thank you for sharing this important press release study on all your social media outlets. Well done, team.