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Patrick Johnson runs Personhood Ohio, a religious group that lobbies politicians to restrict women’s access to healthcare under the guise of protecting unborn babies.
In his free time, Johnson has related hobbies, like banning female nudity because breasts lead to the downfall of society. He’s not just talking about nudie bars, but also women’s freedom to breastfeed in public places. Because as we all know, an embryo is a person deserving of all the freedoms and rights bestowed upon citizens of the United States, but once it gets born, it should hurry up and learn to feed its own damn self.
Johnson points out that female nudity is not only destroying marriages somehow, but is also responsible for the success of gay pride. Stay with me now…he says that the Columbus, OH gay pride parade gets half a million participants due to the fact that the women in the parade go topless.
Look, Mr. Johnson, I don’t know what kind of magical powers you think our nipples have that yours don’t, but I’m afraid they aren’t the hypno-tits that you’re worried about. They don’t emit some ultrasonic siren drawing married men to their deaths.
And besides that, Johnson’s proposed ban on female nudity is destined to fail. If it passed, it would make Ohio the only state in the US to outlaw breastfeeding. I have a better idea: all the married men in Johnson’s church group could just stab their own eyes out. That way, they never have to see another breast again, and their marriages will be safe. Ohio law won’t violate the constitution, babies will continue to be fed on time, and we can all still enjoy the wonderful array of boobies on display in the gay pride parade.
Everyone wins. Your move, Mr. Johnson.