Christian Attempts to Outlaw Boobies in Ohio

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Patrick Johnson runs Personhood Ohio, a religious group that lobbies politicians to restrict women’s access to healthcare under the guise of protecting unborn babies.

In his free time, Johnson has related hobbies, like banning female nudity because breasts lead to the downfall of society. He’s not just talking about nudie bars, but also women’s freedom to breastfeed in public places. Because as we all know, an embryo is a person deserving of all the freedoms and rights bestowed upon citizens of the United States, but once it gets born, it should hurry up and learn to feed its own damn self.

Johnson points out that female nudity is not only destroying marriages somehow, but is also responsible for the success of gay pride. Stay with me now…he says that the Columbus, OH gay pride parade gets half a million participants due to the fact that the women in the parade go topless.

Look, Mr. Johnson, I don’t know what kind of magical powers you think our nipples have that yours don’t, but I’m afraid they aren’t the hypno-tits that you’re worried about. They don’t emit some ultrasonic siren drawing married men to their deaths.

And besides that, Johnson’s proposed ban on female nudity is destined to fail. If it passed, it would make Ohio the only state in the US to outlaw breastfeeding. I have a better idea: all the married men in Johnson’s church group could just stab their own eyes out. That way, they never have to see another breast again, and their marriages will be safe. Ohio law won’t violate the constitution, babies will continue to be fed on time, and we can all still enjoy the wonderful array of boobies on display in the gay pride parade.

Everyone wins. Your move, Mr. Johnson.

Rebecca Watson

Rebecca is a writer, speaker, YouTube personality, and unrepentant science nerd. In addition to founding and continuing to run Skepchick, she hosts Quiz-o-Tron, a monthly science-themed quiz show and podcast that pits comedians against nerds. There is an asteroid named in her honor. Twitter @rebeccawatson Mastodon Instagram @actuallyrebeccawatson TikTok @actuallyrebeccawatson YouTube @rebeccawatson BlueSky

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  1. Or he could implement blindfolds as appropriate dress code for good, God-fearing Christian men. They can, of course, remove them in their own homes and in other private spaces to take care of vital needs, while being protected from sin by being exposed to something potentially arousing, like a woman breastfeeding an infant. And, if one wants to leave the group, well, no permanent damage.

    1. I just want to put in here that boobs are kind of magical.
      I mean, you can have perfectly nutritious, perfectly warm food, ready to eat, right inside your body, and the moment a baby cries, it starts automatically leaking out.
      That’s, like, voodoo and Christians do *not* like voodoo.

  2. Rebecca Watson,

    This reminds me of a hilarious episode of Married With Children.

    Breast feeding protest in the shoe store!

    1. Most shows are 20 years (or more) behind. Married…with Children gave us losers being misogynists because they’re losers. Which is…20 years ahead.

      (Not that I didn’t notice the subtle Objectivist messages in some episodes, even if I didn’t even know who Ayn Rand was except for her habit of writing real doorstoppers.)

      1. Jon Brewer,

        How was Married With Children objectivist? What are you talking about?

        I know who Rand was, and I know a little something about her philosophy. However, I don’t see much in the way of objectivism in that show.

      2. Jon Brewer,

        By the way, I have to agree with you about Married with Children and Today’s misogynists. I think Al Bundy’s “No Mam” is a pretty good parody of today’s “Men’s Rights Activists” idiots, yet I don’t think that movement even existed at the time, or at least if it did, I hadn’t heard of it. I guess in that way, the show really was ahead of its time.

        1. I don’t think there were organized groups of MRAs before the Internet (except in the sense of the entire patriarchal social structure), but the attitude was common enough that mockery of it hit home. A much earlier example was the He-Man Woman Haters Club (or what ever it was called) from the Little Rascals/Our Gang movie shorts from the 1930s.

  3. There has GOT to be a hypnotoad joke / drawing / plush toy opportunity in this somewhere… ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTITS!

  4. I know the hypocrisy of these types is never terribly far below the surface, but I still think it warrants a special note that he organized and runs a group with the stated purpose of protecting “babies,” and yet, he is now engaged in an effort to prevent those babies he helped save from getting their free, nutritious meal when and where they need it. It’s almost as though the stated goal for his organization doesn’t really jibe with his actual goals.

  5. That should be Patrick Johnston, with a ‘t,’ throughout. I have the misfortune of being his cousin and having to cringe every time he pops up in the news or on a blog.

  6. Ah, so.. Another candidate for being teleported into the alternate future where being “registered” as a “nudist” has you granted the right to do all the stuff he is scared to death of, in public, but makes it illegal for you to own, or wear, anything other than shoes. lol Seriously, am I the only one that thinks these people need to, even if its not strictly “ethical” to have their backsides landed in the land of, “Oops, not only am I someplace where this stuff is way more legal than I like, its actually mandatory!”? ;)

    They would, no doubt, see being sent to some place where all the things they fear are common place, but their imaginary consequences don’t happen as hell, but maybe they would learn something while there.

  7. Rebecca, your suggestion that he blind himself is positively Biblical. In Matthew 18:9 Jesus says “And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee.” Does this guy not even read his own holy book? How can we get this info to him?

      1. Ai! Ai! They’re everywhere! Quick, grab your picks, dynamite and AMFO – not a moment to lose!

        Warning – do not click on the links above, lest ye become irreversibly corrupted.

        1. About fifteen or twenty years ago an organization popped up calling itself something like ‘The Organization for Morality in Americas National Parks’. The demanded that the Grand Tetons National Park name be changed as it means ‘The big teats’ in French. They had a large letter writing campaign, as not only was the name immoral but it made us a laughing stock to the French.

          They even got a response from the National Park Service saying ‘We appreciate your concern, but no’.

          In the end it turned out to be a prank by National Lampoon.

          1. Hi Weatherwax, you had me going there for a minute, that’s a good story! Thank goodness it turned out to be a hoax.

            We visited Grand Teton National Park in June and were told the Troix Tetons were named by (very very lonely) French trappers.

            Stunningly beautiful and well worth a visit as I’m sure you know.

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