I know I’m a late adopter, but I only just saw the second Captain America film even though a bunch of my friends loved it and the reviews were pretty positive. I did enjoy it, but as I Tweeted, there was one major disappointment (SPOILERS FOLLOW FOR THE REST OF THE POST!):
Just saw Winter Soldier (SPOILER ALERT). My only complaint is that I wish it really had been that councilwoman kicking those dudes' asses.
— Rebecca Watson @SF Sketchfest (@rebeccawatson) May 11, 2014
That Tweet got tons of responses agreeing with me wholeheartedly. With that in mind, I’ve prepared this alternate script that you can imagine the next time you watch this movie or whenever you remember it fondly.
LOCATION: THE MALL, JUST AFTER NICK FURY “DIES”
BLACK WIDOW: (TO CAPTAIN AMERICA) I’m going to use this totally OP face-changing device to disguise myself while I see what’s on this flash drive at the Apple Store. I’ll look like an old lady, check things out, and slip right past the S.H.I.E.L.D./Hydra agents so we can make our getaway.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (TO BLACK WIDOW) Great, that’s a pretty awesome device and a clever plan that will be entertaining to watch. You should hang onto that device because I bet it’ll come in handy later.
BLACK WIDOW: (TO CAPTAIN AMERICA) Good thinking.
LOCATION: S.H.I.E.L.D. HEADQUARTERS, JUST AFTER NICK FURY SHOWS UP ALIVE AND ROBERT REDFORD IS ALL, ‘AH, SHIIIIIIIIT’
COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY (DISARMS ROBERT REDFORD, MURDERS A BUNCH OF MOTHERFUCKERS)
NICK FURY: Good job, Natasha.
COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY: Who’s Natasha?
COUNCILMAN SINGH (FACE MELTS OFF AND BECOMES NATASHA): Um, I’m over here.
NICK FURY: (TO COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY) Then who the fuck are you?
COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY: I’m Councilwoman Hawley, dipshit. Your boss?
BLACK WIDOW: And how did you disable all these agents by yourself?
COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY: What, you think they promoted me to the Council from the mail room? Bitch, please, I’ve been murdering bad guys since you were in diapers. Also Robert Redford is like 100 years old, so I figured I could take him.
BLACK WIDOW: Are you looking for a protégé of some sort?
COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY: In fact I am. Let’s go back to my place and we’ll eat nachos and share tips on murdering people with just our thighs.
(BLACK WIDOW AND COUNCILWOMAN HAWLEY EXIT, LAUGHING AND CHATTING)
I think that both the writers of Captain America (Christopher Markus and Stephen McFeely) as well as the actor playing Councilwoman Hawley (the fabulous Jenny Agutter) will appreciate these changes, and maybe even incorporate them in the Blu-Ray release. Not only do these changes allow the audience the satisfaction of getting a new kickass character involved, but also this otherwise great movie now passes the Bechdel test. Everybody wins!
Featured image: Jenny Agutter, BAMF