Can Wendy Davis REALLY Have it All?

wendy davisA recent New York Times cover shows a picture of Wendy Davis, State Senator from Texas and candidate for Governor, with the title “Can Wendy Davis Have It All?” I’ve seen a few people get mad over this cover, but I think they’re too quick to anger. We need a few questions answered before we jump to conclusions.

First off, is Wendy Davis the daughter of the King of All Cosmos? Has she been sent on a quest to gather up materials on earth to replace the stars that her father drunkenly removed from the sky? If she has the ability to roll up common earth items, from paperclips to skyscrapers, into a giant ball to replace the moon…well, then yes, she can have it all (in ball form).

Is Wendy Davis secretly Freddie Mercury? If so, she got it all in 1989, which definitely includes some sweet guitar riffs. Perhaps she should change her aims, then. Instead of being a governor, she could be Queen.

Can Wendy Davis transform into a gelatinous blob, eating everything in her path, while being impervious to bullets? This will certainly allow her to have it all in Texas, as it does not get very cold, and the Texas reaction to most things is to shoot.

Is Wendy Davis a conqueror à la Alexander the Great or Christopher Columbus? If so, she’ll try to have it all, but will mainly cause genocide (but be revered as a hero for hundreds of years to come). While this is effective, it is not advisable.

Was Wendy Davis created by Hayao Miyazaki as No-Face, who can eat everything offered to her (and even people who were not offered) and produce gold from her hands in an attempt to win over friends? Again, this strategy is effective, but not advisable, as the people you are trying to impress will be disappointed when you eat their friends.

Does Wendy Davis have the ability to turn into a magnetic putty, absorbing everything in her path? If so, then yes, she will have it all, and can use this as a campaign strategy while debating against her opponents.

Was Wendy Davis known as Veruca Salt in her childhood? If so, she wants it now, as well as wanting most things. However, it turns out sing-demanding things and destroying a room in someone’s factory is not a successful strategy for having it all.

If Wendy Davis is also Don Draper, she can have it all, but “all” mostly consists of a heavy drinking problem and crippling depression. Once again, a strategy that is not advisable.

Is Wendy Davis a corporation? If so, then she can DEFINITELY have it all, which includes personhood, the ability to spend unlimited amounts of money on political races, and the general ability to be completely above the law. This is the most advisable strategy, as she would gain the ability to do whatever she wanted with impunity. She could also become a fetus, because as Kristen Schaal puts it, “What’s the difference between a fertilized egg, a corporation, and a woman? One of them isn’t considered a person in Oklahoma!” (This is also applicable to Texas.)

As far as strategies go, I would recommend the corporation route, but if that’s impossible, I’d suggest being Freddie Mercury or the daughter of the King of All Cosmos. I look forward to seeing what strategy she chooses!


Sarah is a feminist, atheist vegan with Crohn’s Disease, and she won’t shut up about any of those things. You really need to follow her on Twitter (and probably Google+, just to be safe).

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    1. I don’t know, Katamari is addictive. (I’ve always loved the Gemini level.) I always wonder why this question is always only directed at women, though. In this economy, having kids means both parents work full-time by default.

  1. She can have it all, my empire of dirt.

    Actually, I just shoveled ten inches of snow out of half my drive I could park, so if she could take all of that, I’d be pretty happy. Snow is just white air dirt.

  2. this is great! :D

    *small note though. To my knowledge, no one had ever accused Alexander of genocide, and he specifically strove to keep native cultural and religious habits and structures intact when he conquered an area as it made them easier to rule. Though he *was* most definitely ruthless and willing to kill anyone who didnt like his ambitions. Whereas Columbus was basically a monster

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