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Bad Chart Thursday: Valentine Edition

It’s that time of year again, when writers across the Internet tell the romantic tale of two unlikely lovers coming together at last: Correlation and Causation.

Over on The Normal Bar blog, these star-crossed lovers teach us all a few lessons about love. And by love, I mean sex. Because it turns out, they are pretty much the same thing. Which brings me to Lesson 1: If you are asexual or just not all that into sex in general with anyone, you are probably incapable of love. Maybe you even hate love. If you even exist.

Lesson 2: You can and should buy satisfying sex (a.k.a. love) with gifts. The Normal Bar found that “Of those who said they never receive romantic gifts of any kind, 64 percent of women and 88 percent of men were also dissatisfied with their sex lives.” (Boldface theirs for TRUTH.)

Don’t identify as a man or woman? Don’t worry. There’s still a perfect romantic gift for you!

They don’t really specify whether some of these people never received a gift they found romantic (even if it was intended to be) or whether they don’t receive romantic gifts because they are clear about not wanting them. They also don’t go into the myriad reasons someone might be dissatisfied with their sex life that have nothing to do with romance.

But that’s just being nitpicky. We’re not talking about all those exceptions. This is about what’s normal. As defined by the data, people. It’s nothing personal.

The numbers are irrefutable. And even more so in chart form. Let’s see what other romantic secrets we can uncover from the data of common behaviors among people who are very happy or extremely happy in their relationships:

Lovesex Secrets3

Clearly, since all these numbers are related, the most romantic Valentine’s Day you can plan (if you exist) will involve (a) giving a romantic gift, which should be a sex toy; (b) considering a breakup; then (c) maybe sleeping on the couch (results may vary with this one).

Melanie Mallon

Melanie is a freelance editor and writer living in a small town outside Minneapolis with her husband, two kids, dog, and two cats. When not making fun of bad charts or running the Uncensorship Project, she spends her time wrangling commas, making colon jokes, and putting out random dumpster fires. You can find her on Twitter as @MelMall, on Facebook, and on Instagram.

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