Hey ladies, it’s time to talk lady business! And you know what that means – this post is all about la las. Froo froos. Noonis! Blarf marfs. Jim jams. Budakhans. Ling lings. Tim tams. Flip flops. Mac Attacks.
So hey, what do you use to clean your bibimbop? Is it Femfresh, “the PH-balanced formula specially designed for intimate skin?” Then you’d better go “like” their Facebook page, where as we speak a social media disaster is happening. And it is wonderful.
I know I’ve ranted about douche before, but for those just joining us, here’s the deal: vaginas (*gasp*) are self-cleaning. You do not need to hose them down with vinegar or any other kind of douche. Nothing inside you needs cleaning and you can clean the exterior of your crotch with soap just like dudes can. Using douche internally can lead to infections, which can lead to serious problems like infertility. If there’s something wrong with your vagina, see a doctor. Douches are at best useless and worst harmful. This is why “douche” is the very best insult you can ever throw at someone.
Along comes Femfresh, and like all douches, Femfresh must sell you a useless product by playing on your insecurities about your own body. You just aren’t fresh without using Femfresh! They want you to put their vile concoction in your vagina, but saying the word “vagina” requires some level of comfort with your body’s natural state, and they can’t sell douche to someone like that. So instead they use cutesy, infantilizing euphemisms like “va jay jay, kitty, nooni, lala, froo froo!” “Expert care for down there.” Down where? My feet?
Happily, women have caught on to this bullshit and they’re not taking it lying down. Femfresh’s Facebook page is currently flooded with hilarious criticisms like these (from both men and women) (EDIT: the page has just been taken down. Ha! Here is a screenshot.):
Vaginas smell. Take your repressed, woman-hating consumerism elsewhere.
There are sadly parts of the world (including parts of the US) where women are punished, politically, emotionally or even physically for saying the word VAGINA in public. Do we really want to be encouraging young women in our society to be afraid to use the biologically correct name for a part of their body?
Don’t even get me started on the entire concept of Femfresh. As another poster wrote, if you really do think you smell bad, see a GP!
I have a baby girl and a two year old boy and feel so much pressure to avoid using the proper words for their genitals but I would much rather they weren’t ashamed of their respective penis and vagina!
Hey Femfresh, how does it feel to have your entire target demographic think you’re idiots? Why don’t you redo this page and your entire ad campaign, to something sober and unobtrusive reflecting that creepy Lysol advert from the 60s that earnestly implies no matter how tasty your meatloaf is your husband will dump you because of your hideous odor and you oughta be douching with toilet cleaner? Perhaps that will better attract the sort of repressed, terrfied person who is neurotically obsessed with how their genitals smell
Femfresh lady shaming since the 70s!!!!
If my vagina was supposed to smell like a garden, there would be daisies growing out of it.
I’m pretty sure that “one of the kindest ways to care for your vagina” is untrue, and thus is a matter for Trading Standards or the Advertising Standards Agency. Also “expert care” is misleading as my undeerstanding is the majority of healthcare professionals would advise against such a product.
Is this product aimed at children, or should I have a nooni too? I’m pretty certain I only have the standard issue vulva + vagina set at present. They work fine, but do I need to get hold of a froo froo lala in order to use the femfresh properly? If so, can I order one online? Please advise.
In perhaps my favorite thread, Tony Rudd steps in apparently acting officially on behalf of Femfresh, and writes:
We’re taking your comments and can assure you that all will be seriously looked at. Posts like this one will no longer appear as we misjudged our customers
He includes a screenshot of a Femfresh posting that reads
Hands up who’s proud of their pom pom? ‘Like’ this post if your hands are high!
To which people respond:
If your vagina looks like a POM POM, seek medical attention.
Just out of interest, what’s the gender breakdown of the marketing team that came up with this gigantic wibbling pile of scrotum?
And how old is your target market?
Have you actually got a target market, or did you just make them up to suit your product?
As my friend @vbloke mentioned when he sent me this on Twitter, it’s enough to restore your faith in humanity.